I feel like I've made a breakthrough in really letting go. One of the recurring things I've dealt with was asking "Why?" - I'd wake up early and lie in bed and couldn't help but think it. I know most of the stuff - I didn't help out with dishes enough, I should have bought flowers more often, I didn't make XW feel special, etc. But there was something more and I couldn't figure out what it was.
Well, I finally ventured into the Sex-Starved Marriage forum and read some of the sitches and all of a sudden everything came sharply into focus. What I discovered is all stuff Puppy said long ago, but I couldn't hear it. What a difference time makes!
My XW fits almost perfectly the stages that Michelle Langley describes in Women's Infidelity. Her unwillingness to do ANYTHING with me, her extreme guilt, her declarations that finally she was happy and the previous decade was only a result of her naivety. Her belief that she just needed to find the perfect person to make her happy (she's now on #2). Michelle's stages 3-4.
But what struck me was how my "nice guy-ness" just made everything worse. The times I thought I was showing love and patience, she was disgusted. When I "acted as if", she thought I was weak. When I tried to push the affair onto a back burner so we could deal with the immediate problem of what was between the two of us, she was incredulous. The one time I stood up to her, she lost it and cried to come back. When I let her, she became disgusted again. And that was the end.
At the same time, these "nice guy" tendencies were the things she'd encouraged since we got married. She argued down every opinion until I agreed with her, she complained when I went out with friends or did things on my own, etc. She was a control freak. And I gradually lost the interest in standing up to her.
Nowhere more than in the bedroom. She never told me what she liked, never initiated, never did things to try to make me happy, and I slowly lost interest. Gave up. Too much of a chore.
So, I may have lost the woman I love, but now I finally realize that no woman is worth losing yourself. And in maintaining my own sense of dignity and self-worth, I could have probably saved my marriage. Live and learn. At least I know now.
Not to make it sound like her fault. Some things were - actually a lot was. She made bad choices. But my self-respect is my own thing. Who knows, my "nice guy"-ness probably goes back to my relationship with my mother and there's all kinds of stuff to deal with. But for now I need to get back to the spot I used to be - a strong but loving individual with a love for life and all it has to offer. Which I'm doing.
