Hi, Jackie

I wrote a really, really long answer, with lots of quotes but somehow it never got posted. I suspect it was a casualty of the site remodelling.

In any case, here is my take:

1. I beg to differ with nearly everyone about the apartment. From the tactical point of view (have you read Macchiavelli's The Prince?), it may be a good move to help him. Of course, only if it feels right to you. I'll explain myself: by what you are telling us, your H is clearly going through a major MLC and is absolutely confused on what he wants or needs. If you help him move, you are acting as HIS FRIEND and 'facilitating' his getting some space to think (hopefully). So, you are the good guy, not the clingy wife. And, here comes the machiavellic part, if you two pick the place together and even you help him decorate it, you are giving him nice memories of you every time he comes in. My H stayed in our empty house while my D and I went on vacation just after I found out about the EA and called me 3 to 4 times a day just to 'check up on me' He felt the house was falling on him! Help him out and then leave him alone, give him time to miss you.

Of course this only applies if you really feel that is good for you. Trust your instincts, not your emotions!

2. Agree with mockers about the kids. They need to be told by both of you. And make sure to tell them that you both love them and you'll always be their Mom and your H will always be their Dad. Repeat the mantra often. And do not limit your H's access to the kids. It is not fair for them.

3. Also agree with mockers on 'no limits'. Go ahead and set up your life, do your stuff and act as if, but leave him a door open so that he knows that if and when he gets his act together you'd be open to consider a R. Something like 'ILY and want what is best for you. Go ahead, think about your life, repair yourself. Once you have clear what you want, come back and tell me. Then if at that time I want to, I will decide whether I want to continue with you on those terms. And if you like the physical side, enjoy! but do not take it too personal, just as good fun. Women tend to equal sex with intimacy but it is not the same for most men. Just use that side as another channel of communication without reading too much into every gesture

4. Do not push the therapy thing. Or Retrovaille. He seems to have a lot of mental housekeeping to do. Time will come.

Keep up the good work!

"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little" Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"