Enjoying the "single" W-A-L-K (Faith 54)

[MAL]

Ouch. I worked out on the elliptical trainer tonight, and my hip and knee are not happy about it. Sigh...I am getting old!

More journaling...

I know part of the problem with my R is me. Being so busy means there isn't much time for anything else, and I've been putting him at the end of the list. And I definitely don't want to move back into the old patterns that I had with ex-H.

(I can't seem to find it in me to call him GWH anymore - maybe because we've been getting along? With the new court stuff, you may see me calling him that again soon.)

But even before these past few months, there was something missing with Robert.

I remember about a year ago I had a bad cold. When I got home from work that night, I found chicken noodle soup and a note from Robert on my front porch. That small gesture was worth 3 dozen roses to me! I had a board meeting the next night and mentioned it, and all of the women loved it (like most women would, we're sappy that way.)

Then there was a tough week at work and with college, and I was feeling overwhelmed. I came home to a nice card in the mail (he does that sometimes).

But those moments don't occur much anymore. I remember he brought me flowers once when we were first dating, and none since.

In that time, I also stopped trying. A card in the mail, or a little gift...not like I did before. Last year I brought him jelly bellys on the anniversary of his W's death. This year, I just called to see if he was doing okay. I don't try like I used to. That's bad.

I have explained that I'd like more romance, some flowers sometimes. Even a cheap rose from 7-11. Anything to add some spice. There is also a lack of physical intimacy. Back in the beginning, he seemed to be very into me. But that slowly tapered off, and although he says that I do it for him, I don't see that.

He said it has more to do with having a respect for a woman and the way he was raised (more old fashioned). I can understand that, and I thought that if I explained it was okay and I needed more, he would finally get it.

It's not just about s3x though. Anything physical - we don't have to have s3x to have that.

I am beginning to think that he is more of a LD kinda guy. I can understand that as we get older, that can happen. I'm not like that though. I am more HD then I was during my M, but in a long-term R, I'm sure that would taper off some. However, I doubt I will ever be LD.

I tried telling him what I wanted and needed, and I've done it several times. I see now that I stopped telling him sometime last year. I didn't see anything changed, and I just started to accept that it may always be this way.

I am bothered by it thinking that if we are only dating now, when we should have all of the chemistry, hormones, etc...,and we've already settled into this pattern, what would it be like if we were M?

About a month ago, several flower deliveries arrived at the guard desk at work. I walked out one day and made a comment to the guard about it. He said that maybe one was for me. I replied "No, if I ever get a call from you saying that I have a delivery, I'll know that it's just that, a delivery. I won't get flowers." It came out so quickly and matter of fact that it shocked me. Did I just say that?

I was honest with Robert and told him about it. I explained that it's not about the flowers. It's all the other little things.

He did surprise me a couple of weeks ago. He got off work early and called and asked if I wanted to meet him for lunch. I had to go up to college during lunch that day, but I knew that he was making a good gesture. So I took a few extra minutes for lunch and met him at a fast food place. I didn't have long with him, but it was the thought that counted. So I know that he hears me. Unfortunately, it may be another 6 months before he does something like that again. He just doesn't think about it, and I feel like I'm nagging.

Last week, we were in a little convenience store, and I saw those little packages of flowers, and I said something mean. I said that I should buy myself some, like I used to do, because nobody else buys them for me. I knew it wasn't quite appropriate, but again, I'm trying to ask for what I want (I know men can't figure it out on their own.) He chuckled because he knew I was picking at him. A few minutes later, we were at the counter, and he showed me some mentos. He said he would be happy to buy some of those for me - show up at work with some?

I replied that it would be awesome if he showed up at my office and dropped off mentos with the guard. Even though I don't like mentos, that would make my month! I again said that it's not about the flowers. It's the idea that you would go out of your way to show me how you feel about me. It's the romance. I didn't mention the lack of intimacy (maybe I gave up on that?).

He's wonderful in every other way. He is there for me. He is a good man. He comes from a great family. He is my best friend. He helps me when I need it. He is not a workaholic and would rather enjoy life. He laughs at me and makes me laugh. He would never cheat on me. Honor, integrity, family - all have a strong place in his life. I have all of the other things that I did not have with my ex H. All but the spice, intimacy, and romance - I need that too.

And for the last 6 months, while I was working on all of the other things in my life, I stopped expecting it from him. And by doing that, I changed, and distance grew between us.

I am just now figuring out what happened, and why.

So I have been asking myself - Do I settle for all of these other great things? Is that good enough? Am I expecting too much? I know that in the long run, all of these other things are what will be there and will matter. In 20 years, roses won't mean much, but having someone there will.

But in 20 years, is it still possible to have the little romantic gestures that make you feel special? I think it is. And that is where I have a big gap.

I realized this past week that he is just like my ex with his love language - "Acts of Service." He will do anything for me if I ask, and to him, that is a way to show love. Those things are important to me, yes. Especially now that I'm single and I could use some help around the house, yard, etc...But that is not all that I need.

I told him about 5LL, and I think he understands it. But I don't feel we've done anything about it.

Again, I'm journaling more than anything, so I can get my thoughts out. I know that I own this situation too. It's not just about him. Just trying to figure it out.

Thus, the new thread title. I am enjoying the single walk, and feeling a little guilty about it. I don't know when I'll want more, or with whom, but if I do decide to mover forward with someone, I do think it's supposed to be more than what this is right now.

Is a 7 out of 10 the best we can expect? I hope not.

So back comes another layer of the onion. Finding me, finding my way, and deciding what I want out of a partner and myself.