We had the MC today and then met with a friend of mine and her kids and went for lunch. He then went to work.
2 hours MC today. He had the exercises but needs to redo some because for example at the question "what are your fears regarding your R with Maria" he answered "that something will happen to her". He said he thought he couldnt mention anything about the past...??? I had 3 pages with ALL my fears including that I may have outgrown him, cant love him as I should, he will do it again, live a lonely life if I stay in the M, carry all the burden etc etc...
He listened and didnt comment. He also heard all the OW comments and didnt react. I got upset when the one C said that it's ones right to find a OP if he/she is not happy in the R. I said I dont agree and that is the easy way out.
They said we need to do something for each other every day, surprises of any kind that we can think of. One each day. They are trying to make him act and make me find patience.
One thing interesting : he said he is afraid he will get fed up with the responsibilities again in the future... K
"They said we need to do something for each other every day, surprises of any kind that we can think of. One each day. They are trying to make him act and make me find patience. "
...sounds very different to the last idea of MC - are these different MC? Or the same ones flip flopping?
By the way - I like the latest idea much better than the previous one!
best and KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
I agree! I read that and thught.. hang on, make the effort to do a surprise, every day?? Thats a complete reverse of what they said last week! Yuo sure these guys know what they are doing! What with the comment about the OP (which I think we all agree is not on.. the mature thing to do would be to TALK about it, say, hey, I am feeling ignored/trapped/fancy a woman at work, what can we do to sort this problem out? or, go for IC, but NOT just lie to your W, betray her and have an A! Theres no excuse for that !)
Phew. Anyway.. Mercury goes forwards tommorow! I dont know what it means, but it is a good thing...
Hi Kalni, I've been following along although I haven't been posting.
Originally Posted By: AliSuddenly
I agree! I read that and thught.. hang on, make the effort to do a surprise, every day?? Thats a complete reverse of what they said last week! Yuo sure these guys know what they are doing! What with the comment about the OP (which I think we all agree is not on.. the mature thing to do would be to TALK about it, say, hey, I am feeling ignored/trapped/fancy a woman at work, what can we do to sort this problem out? or, go for IC, but NOT just lie to your W, betray her and have an A! Theres no excuse for that.
I thought the very same thing. The MCs are now asking you to do the very opposite of what they told you and H to do last week although I do like their suggestion of making the effort to do a surprise every day. Maybe they have a reason for doing things this way.
YIKES!!! The comment about a spouse having the right to find OP if he/she is not happy is really troubling. Good for you for voicing your opinion on that one.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Well, I may be a bit unfair to them but i did say I had more to post...
First I asked about the selfish thing. They said that is the way I translated it. They meant self care, not do anything that makes us feel uncomfortable but definitely dont be selfish in the bad way of the meaning.
Then they had said do one thing for the R (wrote it down to the papers they'd given us). I thought it was one thing until we meet again, they said one per day. It wasnt clear so I misunderstood that. Sad thing was H did know about one day per day but STILL didnt do it.
About the OP although the original statement was as I described it when I objected they rephrased a bit but still insisted that it is only natural when there is a gap between 2 people the gap needs to be filled somehow. (I was going shopping he was going...).
I had a rough time because they both seemed to say that what happened was because of my low self confidence and my dependency on H. I dont agree and we discussed this. I did keep my Saturdays free for H but since Sat were the only days we could see each in daylight I didnt do it because I was depending on him, I did it because it was my way to contribute to the R. When I stopped doing that, we collapsed. When I stopped asking for him, for time, for fun with him, we drifted apart and the rest is history...
I asked about time and how can we do this with no time. They asked if H came/visited us when anything happened with the kids. H got all excited and said YES, I AM ALWAYS THERE. I didnt have time to answer. So, they asked him, "how come you cant find time for good things also, for fun, to be with your wife, to surprise her...?" He looked at them and said "I didnt think it was important, priority". And they both asked him if he can see now it was first priority. He nodded.
He will redo the "what am I afraid of regarding Maria ?" exercise and the "what do I want in my R to feel content and happy". I wrote pages and pages, about his needs he said he wanted respect and peace. About fear "he is afraid if something happens to me".
I asked them about expectations. If it is ok to want a relationship with all the things I described and whether I am realistic or not. They both said "what each person wants for his life, is acceptable and that's what he/she should look for, nobody an judge your expectations".
The plan now is for H to bring the exercises, we discuss them and then we take home the other's person paper and really see where our expectations match etc etc. They also want to see what we want in life (H needs to do it) and see if we can find common ground. They said they have come across to couples that the emotion was there but neither one was able to give up on basic goals they had in life or needs and had to separate (like have kids or not, move to the countryside, jobs etc etc).
I know I am a bit confusing but cant really write all that was said. It seems to me they know what they are doing and I trust them. We'll see. 7 weeks to go. K
Your counselors sound fun changing up the focus on a weekly basis freeing you up from following a set routine.
They give you both assignments out of your comfort zones. What's easy for you is hard for him and vise versa. It seems this is something where you focus on your own self growth, not on how the other spouse does.
Neat. Hard work. Tough stuff. Says a lot for each to be there trying.
A happy family is worth the price. Absolutely. The reason I am having a hard time is because I am trying to see if there is room for me to be happy within this "happy family".
I dont expect to have my expectations met in 8 weeks. I am no fool. I hope I will either start have some feelings for him and he will have some idea of what kind of "work" an R needs to be kept over the danger zone or I will feel so dead inside that I will be able to make a decision to proceed with the divorce.
I am not expecting to have a dream marriage by the end of these weeks. I definitely want to feel some progress by then though. K
K, Sometimes I think you are in fantasy land but then I see you are realistic, down to earth and a survivor.
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Lol!!! fb2 you are killing me. Fantasy land, moi? because I want time, sweet talks, gifts, smiles, sex, support, appreciation, laughs, verbal sworplay (stole that from lisa) etc etc etc? LOL!!! Yes I am.
Today he came in, brought his nephew with him and without knowing previous arrangement with D, lost it with me because I yelled at her. In front of them made a big fuss and yelled about how I am responsible about my S being "aggressive" and how I should be calm.
I shut off and refuse ever since to talk to him.. We spent a whole day not talking, me in my bedroom and him watching football... Fun day. At least 4 times i thought of telling him we are done. But i didnt, I a making a note about it for the MC. I have an issue with him criticizing me about what I do with the kids, not being patient enough, cool enough, calm enough after him walking out on them because he couldnt handle the responsibilities.
I think it is really easy to be patient with two kids you see 10 hours a week, I have this notion I would be super calm too. I wanted to call him a jerk etc etc and kick him out. BUT..., I didnt. I am keeping to myself so we will not have to discuss it in front of the kids... K
... that doesnt sound very loving. Or very nice. To YELL at you, thats not a very mature way to communicate! And in front of the children even and to be so insensitive as to not understand that it is YOU that is there, every day and night taking care of HIS kids and he doesnt have to be cope with that day in day out. How can he have the audicity to tell you that your son's aggressive tendency lately is your fault??? What is he doing, as a parent, to resolve that? Just blaming you? How is that helping?
Sorry, but the more you tell me about your H, the more I think he sounds pretty selfish. Sorry !!
Thats not helpful.. well done on keeping your cool. Perhaps you should calmly say to him though, that you found his words hurtful and just tell him how it made you feel? Instead of just quietly seething over it and then hitting him with it at the MC? He will wonder why you didnt say anything at the time of the row (or will have forgotton about it by next week).
