Enjoying the "single" W-A-L-K (Faith 54)

[MAL]

Just felt like journaling tonight for some reason....

Robert had some family in town tonight, so S14 and I went over there for dinner and visited for a little while. We couldn't stay long, because S14 has to finish the 2 essays that he is writing for his application to the academies. The applications are due on Monday.

On the way home tonight, I was thinking about a post I made last night. I said that there were advantages to being divorced now. But I also rememberd that I said I would have rather been over on the Piecing forum.

I guess I am piecing. Maybe not piecing my M back together, but this forum could also be called "Piecing my Life back together." Doesn't that seem to apply for those who are post D and no longer on that roller coaster?

Don't get me wrong, I'm doing well. But I think these past few months brought me to another one of those onion layers -- where I'm peeling off another layer.

I don't know why it surprises me, since it's not the first time that I've found myself reflecting, but it does. It's obvious that I keep growing and changing, and when I do, I look back at where I've been, where I am, and where I want to go next.

I've changed over the past 6 months. I knew something was different with me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I think it has something to do with college, being busy with life, getting back into church, my career, the bio family search, keeping busy with my kids, etc....Somewhere in there, I learned more about independence and being single. I see goals that I want for myself, things that I still want to fix inside of me, and they don't involve another person in my life.

The bad thing is that during all of that, I've been in an R. Robert and I have been dating for 1 1/2 years now. Last summer if he had asked me to marry him, I may have said yes. But if he asked me today, I would say "No, I'm not ready yet."

I don't think that's a bad thing. It just means that I am not ready yet, and that's okay.

Heck, he may not even be the one, and that's okay too. I know that.

But the fact that I have grown away from him during these past 6 months may be a bad thing.

I know he feels it, but we haven't discussed it. It wasn't until this week that I finally put my finger on it.

By living my life, working on goals, I have become more distant. Again, that may just be normal considering the past 6 years, and all that has happened in my life. I will be cautious. I'll enjoy my independence. All that stuff that we go through post D, especially women like me, who have so many other things to fill their lives.

Fear is in there too, of course. I can admit that.

I think part of it also has to do with our R, and some things that are missing. And I have a fear of stepping back into the same routine that I had with my ex-H.

I probably need to explain that more. But later. I need to go prepare the sunday school lesson for tomorrow. It takes a lot to keep 4-5 year olds busy for an hour - short attention spans, ya know? But it's very rewarding.

Last week when I was getting ready to leave church, one of the little girls ran up to me and gave me a hug. That made my day. Another one who is very introverted was singing one of our songs in the car one day. Her mom asked me what the song was. This is a little girl that I wonder about, and I can never tell if I'm getting through to her. All of those little things make it worth while.

Well, let me go get that together. I'll be back.