During the drive home on Sunday I tried to get my thoughts in order and assimilate all the great advice I have been getting. And I wanted myself prepared for what I believed my H would be telling me.
He called the cell when I was about 20 minutes away, they were just sitting down for dinner, do they want them to save it for me. Yes, thank you.
So I get home and there on the island in the kitchen is the book I had been reading upstairs, How to Help Kids Through Divorce. Big clue if he is reading one of my books, of course he didn't pick any of the relationship books. So I attempt to eat and things are awkward, but I try to act as if and chat and such.
We put the boys to bed and I unpack and he is sitting on the bed watching. I go and sit and we begin to talk. He asks about my weekend, how was it. I told him it was good, sad, hard and every emotion in between. It was hard to see happy families on the beach, but I also figured out things I need to do to get myself through these weekends. I said I didn't like it, but I survived my first weekend of not having the kids.
He then asked about my week last week. I told him it was hard, but I can do it. I told him I had to pack up all my scrapbooks, they made me too sad. He said he had noticed it, and he said we have had many happy times together.
He finally began to talk about his week, he went through it day by day. He liked last Saturday as he worked and then we did S6's soccer game and then had lunch together and then he went to the hotel to watch football. Sunday he said was rough, he said chuch was bad because he it letting God down by not keeping his vow. And being alone was tough. But, the week was fine, he cried when he told me he felt really bad, but he didn't miss seeing the kids on Monday. This weekend was fine, they just hung out and didn't do too much.
It was just like last week, we did so much talking before he left. He is still unahppy and is planning to leave. I told him I did not understand why he was doing this, but that I feel he really believes that he needs to do it and I support him in that.
He talked about telling his parents, how dissapointed he knows they are going to be and telling his boss that he won't be moving with the company anymore, he will stay in this job. We joked about how maybe his mom will be happy to finally get rid of me. I told him I planned to email people and then take the phone of the hook, he can get me on the cell. I told him I don't want to talk to people and hear them say awful things about him, that I have goals in this and I want to achieve them.
He asked about my goals and I told him I had two: The first was to reapir this relationship and leave the door open so he never feels like he is crawling back. And I don't want people to be trashing him in teh meantime, I don't want to become bitter. The second is to not screw the kids up.
A litte bitterness slipped out here and there, he said I want to do what is best for the kids, and I told him that would then be a two parent family and he told me I should then go find another parent.
We discussed (or I talked, he listened) about being in love vs. falling in love. I said some of the gestures he makes are loving ones, he said they are just caring, he would do it for my sister, and I said, yes and you love her, but I'm not in love with her. So we stopped the coversation, I didn't want him to keep going on and on about why he doesn't love me, it was a conversation taht was just going to be painful.
I told him to take the pictures we had done at Knotts Berry Farm in June, too painful, I thought as a family and couple we had a great time. He said he did, but we were on vacation, and we always have fun on vacation, it is the everyday stuff that is hard. I disagree with that to a point, if you really don't care/love, whichever word you want, a vacation won't be great.
He seemed a bit upset that I had the book on divorce and kids, why did you get it when all your other ones are on relationships? I told him he left, I needed to face reality that this could happen and I need to be ready to do what is best for the kids.
We talked practicalities, he didn't like the apts he was thinking about, he and the kids went and checked them out, so he needs to keep looking. I don't know when he will go, we still plan to do soccer games and boyscouts together. And the joint S6 birthday party in two weeks. He said he will get a hotel room for the weekend so I can have "my weekend" with the kids.
I asked if I could call him if I was horny, he said yes, I said good, because I am still your wife. He said, he didn't understand why if he was leaving he still wanted me, I told him it was because I was a good lay, he said no, a great lay. So why is this man leaving???????????
He asked a little about this weekend, I told him I met some great people who helped me look at things from his side too, that just because I didn't think he was working on things, it was because he wasn't doing it my way, didn't mean he wasn't doing things. I told him I was proud that I walked into a place where I knew no one and survived and enjoyed it. He was surprised that there were men there, I think I had made it sound more like a girls weekend.
We talked about his birthday and how hard they are for him ever since he hit 30 and he agreed that was part of this problem. He didn't want to be 50 and look back and think he had this opportunity 12 years ago to go explore whether we had "it". At one point (before he told him his plans), he said where do we go? I told him what I wanted to do, the weekend away for troubled couples, he said he'll think about it, but isn't ready. I told him I'm a good person and i deserve to feel more than I do. I asked him if he felt loved by me and he thought for a long time and said his heart is closed, but he does know it.
We talked about death and I said you don't have anything to worry about, you'll live until you are 98--he said, in only 60 more years he will be dead. I asked if he ever considered thearpy, that with or without me he is going to have birthdays and this is going to be an issue. And to find a competent therapist. He didn't reject the idea, said it is hard for guys to see therapists. I told him if he says the word I will do some research into finding a competent therapist.
Gosh, this is getting to be a novel.
Questions, He wants to move out, do I 1. Tell him if he is going, leave now, 2. Help him research apartments or 3. Act as if and let him find his own damn apartment.
He wants a hotel room for the weekend, I think it is stupid, wait till he is moving to the new place to tell the kids, don't confuse them more. Do I stick to this point or let him do what he wants?
He wants to co-parent, do I continue to do this or do I try and let him see the harsh realities of divorce and not seeing the kids regularly?
I really think the birthday in mid-August did us in. Should I continue to talk about seeing a therapist, try to find one for him or let it drop? He is a bit male in that it is not easy in getting him to a doctor.
Thank you for every ounce of support you have given me and for reading this mini-novel.
