Hi Veronica, I think you're right about the negatives - and it reminds me of a post I read between SmartCookie and Dudess in which they talked about not leaving with anger.
I'm going to share something now that I feel I just have to talk about. B dropped the bomb and starting talking about divorce on my birthday in May of last year. Since then we had stopped sleeping in the same bed, briefly went to MC, and then slowly deteriorated more and more. By October of last year, her list of reasons for leaving had grown to include fictions about me - fictions about my stealing money from the family and fictions about me as an abusive husband.
I know that B had a rough childhood - and I know that she has many profound and painful issues to heal through - and I hope for her sake (and our son's) that she does.
Before she dropped the bomb, I was very unhappy in our M - and I had often thought about D myself. I know that a lot of that unhappiness stemmed from me and my expectations of her - and that my expectations lead to my feelings of resentment. I also know that in the many years we've been together I've often just doubted that she wanted to be with me...as I've mentioned before, there had been EAs and at least one PA that I know about.
She moved out in November - and we've not had a discussion about anything at all. We've not talked about the nature of our separation - we've not talked about checking in with one another after six months and seeing how we feel...we've not talked about what could be worked on to improve things...rather, any conversation has opened up her anger toward me - and reminded me, over and over, of the unhappiness I used to have at living with someone that slammed cupboards, yelled at my S11, resented me when I was happy, and who seemed, more and more, to dislike the relationship I had with our baby.
When I think about how things were for us before - how I was within that dynamic - I just don't want it for me or my children anymore. I love B - I suppose I always will to some degree - she is a remarkable person - brilliant, imaginative, beautiful, kind - she has many fine qualities that make her into a rare person - though her demons just make her a stranger to me - a stranger that I've lived with for nine years...and someone that I just want to let go of and move on with my life.
These thoughts, what I've written so far, have been with me for a long time - I started writing about such things several weeks ago, and had even reached the point where I didn't want to work on my M at all anymore and wondered if it would be best for me to leave this board...I haven't left the board, obviously, though my thoughts about B haven't changed - in fact, I've grown further apart from her since she has moved out. My distancing from her has nothing to do with her coldness or anger when she come by to pick up S2, nor is it because of her manipulative threats to call the police and claim that I intimidate her - my distance comes from opening my eyes to a lot of what I had given up in order to maintain this M...what I had given up in order to feel loved by her...and I just can't do that anymore.
Now comes the part that might bother some people...I've met someone that I am very fond of. We've not developed a relationship - though we have a friendship that continues to grow - and a way of talking with one another that just amazes and fascinates me. I am taking this very, very slowly - because I know that I have a long way to go before I can be in a new relationship - but her friendship is reminding me about a lot of things I had misplaced in myself...or simply neglected.
I was reading that jealousy button thread - and I thought to respond with the following: Meeting someone, taking interest in another person in order to affect one's W is unfair to everyone involved and it is a distraction from the real work one must do in healing. I've met someone I want to get to know more - but I cannot and will not let it go further until I have reached a point where I know that I am in better control of my healing - until I reach a point that I know I am working, constantly working, on feeling complete and living a fulfilled life that would be complete even if on my own entirely. For me, and I've come to this slowly I suppose, the work done through DBing is to find oneself and to feel complete and honorable in oneself to such an extent that loving someone, caring about someone does not become an attachment. I've mentioned this once before, but I'll say it again here...the idea of "you complete me" is terrible in my view - since it suggests that we need another person for us to feel whole - and that is just not true. We should be complete - and our partners should be complete in themselves - so that we have our own spheres of life - and when we come together, we simply overlap in a shared space - without have to have one sphere subsume another.
The woman I have met knows all about my situation - and we talk about it - and she knows that I have much to work on before I can be involved in a relationship with her. And my interest in her has nothing to do with B. It is, quite simply, an attraction to someone that came to me very unexpectedly - I was not searching or looking for anyone - I was doing the opposite, in fact, I was staying away from anyone that showed any kind of interest in me...so it's still very much a surprise to me.
