H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[25yearsmlc]

Dawn,

First time I've posted to you but I've read your sitch. It's a hard one. Your snooping brought you great pain, and I'm so glad you were able to eventually stop it. That was huge.

But here are my questions for you. What are the changes you refer to making, doing? I mean, what 180's are you doing? What did you do differently around your h that would make him think your changes are both good for the M, and lasting?

What I got from your story is that the depression was a huge issue for the M. THe meds affected your sex life and without them you got way too down. I also don't hear much about your family of origin. Mom and brother?

In the past You had threatened suicide if he left and implicitly were saying it was his job to save your life and keep you "happy" enough not to take your life. Wow, that's a lot to ask of someone.

So, why would he think you've changed? B/C you act upbeat around him? Good. B/C you don't cry around him? Good. What else? I mean I understand he needs his space...whatever...but you gave him space in the house and it almost killed your soul and showed him what? From what I read, you gave him the "polite but shortish on convo, roomate" behavior.

What do you think he gets from OW that he didn't get from you, other than PA? He talked to her for hours, but when he wanted to talk to you, you refused. So, how did that work for you? I read that and thought, wth? Why refuse to talk with him?

My DB coach gave me some tough but useful advice. She said that when my h would call from his "planet", (first more schooling--he's already an MD, and then off to Alaska...long story) for me to 'LISTEN LIKE A LOVER , or Best friend, (depending on what you can handle.)

"Contrast the negative images he's using to justify his actions, with positives. Don't fuel the negatives". So, if he says you won't even talk to him, TALK. For me, I had to decide about intimacy issues when he visited and as far as I know there was no OW, or maybe I should call her "Alaska", but anyhow, bottom line was to contrast the place he was, with a warm, loving home with laughter, and fun, and create as many good memories of NOW time, as possible."

At this time, are you pretty much moving on to GAL or do you still want to restore your M? Given the type of c you want, (and good luck finding all that in one c) it seems you want to stay M. So what type of contact do you have with h?

Are you pretty much waiting without any contact, and hoping his memories of the M long ago, will re-surface and that he'll return? Will his memories be good? Or have his revisions (and some things that are fair and accurate but that you may have glossed over) made him think he was miserable the whole time?

What is your action plan and GAL plan? I note that you read a lot and so do I. But it is isolating, time consuming when work is due, and with your working from home without employees, you are alone far too much don't you think? For now anyhow? You really should increase the teaching if you can, or get outside, or do a serious 180, not bandaids. Interesting to note that it cleared your head of h for awhile. Side note, when I do theater, it requires my total focus and those are the times I got out of the whole H drama. BUT it even helped me forget back pain after a surgery, so there's something about our mindset and dealing with pain. (Sorry your h wrecked the show for you with is weirdness...I love theater. Tacky to have ow there...and at some point he will be embarrassed by her appearance and who knows how that will affect him. ...you have NO control over it and you do know that so I'm glad we don't have to harp on that.

Please know that threatening suicide can be a life saver if you are sending out a red flare to the universe (I loved the story of the hotline voicemail...excellent...). But it's also an incredible burden to put on someone. Not unlike an alcoholic who will get drunk every time you upset them or places their drinking problems on your shoulders. It can be very unfair and manipulative. Do you think your h was attracted to that at one time? Isn't he using it against you now in the sense that he has asked you outright if you were going to do it if he left? Can you see how that made HIM feel?

Have you ever apologized to h for that? Can you tell him not to worry about you now as you are GAL and a lot stronger now that you've gone thru this, and THANK HIM for that? I mean that'd be a 180 and it would show him he does not have to carry you all his life. Remember that you have to be a woman only a fool would leave. And you are. So why on earth would a man think you'd fall apart without him? . OTOH, does he know you loved him madly and did he want you to fight for him? I have 2 relatives who divorced and later remarried, years later. But they kept in touch after the initial phase of the D.

And he'll see your working improving...and OW will lose her luster as her neediness and dependence grows and yours does the opposite. If that makes him stay with her, I'd be surprised. Seems he wants to rescue and save and if she is "another hopeless case", he'll quit that. If he requires the person to be in obvious need of dependence and rescue and pity, as her weight suggests, then he has his own issues. And he does have them. The whole SL is soooo "Dwight Shrute"
from the tv show "The Office". I know you don't watch tv, but there are some hilarious shows out there, some that even touch on this topic showing how pathetic and nerdy it is to "live" a virtual life when you can have a real one. But then, what do your books do for you? I noticed a lot of fantasy material listed. Hmmm.

Anyhow, you have made great progress. I went to several c's b/c a lot said throw the towel in, and h didn't care for any of the ones who said he should stop acting like a single man when he makes geographic choices, and he didn't like them and they ALL said that. So I got some coaching from DB and that was the single most helpful thing, and 2nd, I did find a pro-m t who likes DB stuff but does not advertise as such. He's also Christian but won't shove it down your throat if you aren't. I am.

If you suffer from SAD (I sure did in Alaska) MOVE to a sunny place if you and h don't end up together. Why are you in a place for so long when you are still struggling financially? I mean, no kids and both working...what costs so much, before the OW I mean? Travel? '

Have you thought of relocating (I know it's a separate issue but when times are tough, I don't get why people don't go where the money is, OR the houses are cheaper and their salaries are comparable--Texas for one--just a thought. I am affected by weather and live here now and am so glad I can count on taking a walk in the sun almost every day. When it rains, we need it and it won't last long. But dang, the gray skies of the NW and the darkness of the long arctic winter sucked for me.

That's it for now. Hope you are fine with this post as it's intended to help.
( j )