Well, I blew it. My first call to him during this mess. I was just a wrect last night and he is the only one I have ever turned to when I was in such a state. I was watching a movie where the parents died and the kids had to adjust and thinking, is that easier, dealing with a death, where the parents had no choice to leave you vs. this willing abandonment?
Anyway, I called at 11:15 and the cell was busy! Who is he talking to late at night? Her? Okay, assumptions, I know. He did eventually call back and we talked. he was kind. I did ask, is this what you really, really want? He said, that is what I'm tyring to figure out.
That Mars/Venus book hits it on the head, we females type just need to talk and feel listened to. We chit chatted and I calmed down and then said goodnight. He seemed mystified that I was better and there was no resolution. Told him all I needed was to talk.
So I have blown my strong image. To him and myself. At least the kids were asleep.
JAckie..don't beat yourself up for feeling weak..there are going to be many "weak days"..it DOES NOT mean you blew anything.We all have a right to our emotions...pick yourself back up and keep going...he says he is trying to figure out what he needs and wants..yea it sucks that we have to wait for their decisions..and you know what we choose tow ait becasue we love them and we want our m to continue..He is talking to you as my h is...but DON'T keep questioning if this is what he wants..NO R talks..I know it's. I came here many times and asked if I should say this or that, I still do..and most every time the advice was keep quiet..I still wonder if I should let h have it and give him time frames to make up his mind...but the great friends here ground me back to letting him figure it out..
Get out today and do some fun stuff for you...don't just sit and only think about h and your m...trust me when i say this..I did all that..and then I got moving on to taking care of me..and it reflected with him.
Jackie, I'm glad you're checking that book out finally. I've refrenced ideas from it in responding to your threads more than anybody elses threads on here. I'm not sure why, but a lot of what I've read about you and your H seemed to revolve around issues in that book.
Don't think you blew it either. You're in a real hard spot in your sitch now and it's so new with him living somewhere else. I thought I completely blew it on more than one occasion when my W first moved out and I had nights like you had....where I would show her my emotions and be a mess. However, I was able to pick myself up and move on the next day as if nothing happened(or at least that's what I'd project to her). You just gotta make sure the good days are more frequent than the bad ones and you'll be fine. As long as you're not constantly emotional with him about it every time you talk, than an occasional show of emotions is ok and normal. It will be easier in time to make those bad nights scarce too believe it or not. I'm down to about one real bad day a month now, and even then I'm able to contain it without venting it to my W. So rest easy..you're still very much in this game. He's still uncertain and that's all you can ask for at this point, is uncertainty...which is better than being certain he wants out.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
I guess part of the Mars/Venus book ties in with the beginners mind, I always thought love and good intentions would get us through, but it isn't enough.
I'm glad to hear that my "blue" days are not going to doom me forever! I know it is normal, just sucks to be going though it.
I wonder if all his anger at me is because of guilt, just his overall unhappiness or if he really does hate me? All body language and tones suggest this desire to be as far away from me as possible. I know not to push it and only just email to relate info to him, to difficult to put on a happy face, so tyring to avoid it.
Sunday is decision night. My best bet is he will be getting an apartment.
He took the kids last night, hard to be alone. Even the dog was upset when he just came in and then left. She curled up by the door and stayed there. The boys talked this morning about how they never see Dad and how mean it is that he has to work all the time. How are they going to handle it when they discover it is his choice to not be here?
Just catching up on your thread. This is a really tough part. But you are doing very well. You may not be able to see that, but we can see it for sure.
Just a few thoughts while reading your thread.....
*About you BIL's twins. You are their aunt. Try not to let yourself get caught up in thinking in terms of already being D. One of my friends here kept telling me "don't go there. You are not at that point yet. You will cross that bridge at some point if you need to." This is so hard to do - especially at first, but it is important. The whole idea of self-fulfilling prophecies and act as if. The thoughts you are having are a normal response to your H moving out, but try to minimize this type of thought pattern as much as you can. I agree with everyone else who has said that there is now way to know what will happen. I believe your H is confused and hurting, and that this is far from over. The moving out makes it seem like it's closer to being over, but that's not true in alot of cases.
* I don't think you have blown your strong image at all. It takes incredible strength to hold up under this pressure. You are human and have emotions. It is ok for your H to see this side sometimes. Just make sure he sees your "brave face" mostly. You also showed strength in your conversation with him by settling down and feeling better within the same phone call. He seemed to notice this too.
* Your idea to back off now and give him time to think is good. He has told you that this is what he needs, so give him this. Communicate as you need to, but for the most part, let him be. When the WAS gives you a clear idea of what they need, it is important to go along with it. Look at it as a gift - for the moment you know exactly what he needs, and you can give him the time and space to think. This will mean alot to him.
*Don't beat yourself up for showing emotion. Treat yourself gently.
*I know the feeling of not wanting to do anything. Try to take baby steps in this area also. The list of things to do for yourself posted above is great. Here are a few more ideas: ~go to an IMAX movie - coral reef adventure is great ~plant some bulbs in your yard ~have a cup of coffee or tea at a coffee shop ~go to the zoo ~get a pedicure (or just some special foot moisturizer - Dr. Scholl's has a great peppermint lotion that's not very much - I found it at walmart) ~make plans for yourself and for the boys. When your H has them, go out. (This is tremendously hard, but make yourself get out of the house.) ~Talk to your friends who know about this and let them know you may need to talk more/see them more/make plans with them during this adjustment time. I hesitated to do this, but this is important. It reminds you that you are loved, when it is hard to feel loved at all. One of my friends even offered for me to come and be in their spare bedroom for the afternoon/night/whatever. She said I could come there to be alone if I needed or spend time with them. (Another friend of hers had gone through something similar, and had done this.) ~Take each day on hour at a time if you need to. ~Cry when you need to. (I agree that the shower is a good place for this.)
Maybe try to do one small nice thing for yourself each day. It had gotten to the point that I wasn't even taking a bath every day - gross , but I felt that crummy. I promise you will feel a little better if you do something for Jackie. Just treat this like everything else and work on small baby steps. Give yourself some time to adjust to this new stage.
*Maybe in a few days, work on some new goals. This has helped me at every new stage in this awful, painful process. Having a "to-do " list, something concrete to work on, helps me focus on something other than the pain.
Hang in there, and know we are all pulling for you. (((((Jackie)))))
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
*Re-read the success stories from DR, DB and this bb. This helped me so much.
*And I already forgot the other idea I had - good grief . Oh well, I'll post it when I remember. How old am I again?
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
You're getting some great support here, don't be afraid to lean on it some more.
Quoting Jackie: Sunday is decision night.
Why the deadline? Your H has lost his way on the journey of life (I agree here with the others, his unhappiness here is more than with just M). There's more to his decision than the fork in the road stuff. All he knows is that he doesn't like where he is at now at this point in his life. To be honest,Sunday is decision night. I'm sure he honestly doesn't even know how he got here, which is why he so confused. He thought he was doing all the right things and yet he is so unhappy. He has to figure out what went wrong (like that pros & cons list), so then he will know what needs to be corrected, before choosing where he wants to go, then he has to find the "landmarks" that are the telltale sign of the direction he needs to take before making any decision to which fork to take. In other words, it a deep thought process that needs to take lotsa time to come to a conclusion with any certainty. More than a week, even more than a month for most. Any mention of a timetable by you will only pressure him to feel hastened to make a decision. If he caves to that pressure to give you an answer, he will do an "eenie-meenie-minnie-moe" (I have no idea if that's spelled right1?) and his "moe" will be your "minnie".
Maybe that was a little too metaphorical to make sense. If so, each time you ask him what wants to do OR-wise, he is felt pressured to answer when he hasn't figured out the answers yet. That will have the effect of pushing him in a direction opposite of your goals.
Jackie, I know its sooo hard to do because all you want to do is help him ... that it pains you so much that he is hurting so ... that you wish you can "fix", but you need to stay on the sidelines and let him figure out his moves on his own. No more articles, no more asking what he wants, no more timelines for decisions to be made. Giving the all the time he needs to figure this stuff out is the best approach to take for the greatest chance of it becoming clear to H the path to take is the way back to his whole family.
Quoting Jackie: The boys talked this morning about how they never see Dad and how mean it is that he has to work all the time. How are they going to handle it when they discover it is his choice to not be here?
(((Jackie))) I know you're bracing to endure more pain here, as you should, but don't approach H about how he should "fix" this. He needs to deal with their questions without your intervention in order to determine just what kind of R he will have with his sons in the future.
Jackie, its time now to stop worring about how H will go about resolving his issues and focus what you should do to make yourself feel better. That's essence of detaching ...
Mockers, thank you for that wonderful list of things, I am going to print it out and refer to it often. Seems like at this point I need to tell me feet to walk, everything that was once so simple appears to be an effort. But I'm making the effort. I'm moving, trying not to withdrawl too much.
KAW, I hear what you are saying, I need to back off and let him deal with the stuff on his own, in his own way. I need to be strong and support the journey he is on. He made the hotel reservation for this length of time, that is where the timeline comes from. I don't know what his plans are going to be. I am going away this weekend and he will have the boys on his own on Friday and Saturday night. I have no idea what Sunday night will bring.
I am a bit fearful, of course. I'm fearful that he'll come back, but not for the right reasons and we will continue where we were and it will build up again and he'll become unhappy. I'm scared he is going to leave and that is the end. But as sage is saying, I must have faith, leave fear at the door. Either way, I will be okay. Just may take a bit of time. A weekend with dad will do the kids wonders.
Hi..Jackie...you sound very stong..you know what you have to do and say or not say..now put the plan into action..remind yourself that it does not mean the end because he moves out...it means that the two of you can have some breathing and thinking space...I had to smile as I read KAW'S response to you..he has a way of making you see the light..an easy way!!!
Keep taking care of you..I don't know what to say about your kids and their comments..are they old enough to explain that the two of you need some space? I am sure it is extra hard with young kids...my kids don't say to much..my dd (almost 21- who adores her dad...and who sat with tears streaming down her face last fall when he told them he was leaving)one night when I was talking to her about wishing he would just let me know something..she turned to me and said"Mother..let him be..when he figures out what he wants, I am sure he will let you know!"Well ok..I have heard that so much this past year..I just want to scream..and the only way I am going to find anything concrete out is to point blank ask him, and that scares me..I don't want to hear what I don't want to hear..so I wait...
Keep venting here..it does wonders to come here and have a good cry!!
Feeling guilty about not being on the BB more but then it passes
You're getting lots of great words of wisdom here, I know it helps, just enough, to get through the day. Your kids will know the truth one day, if it comes to that, and in any event you'll be a great example of love and forgiveness to them. Hang in there auntie!
, but I felt that crummy. I promise you will feel a little better if you do something for Jackie. Just treat this like everything else and work on small baby steps. Give yourself some time to adjust to this new stage.
. Oh well, I'll post it when I remember. How old am I again? 