You said "After rereading that I am not showing a lot of commitment to what I want." And I think you are right. In your posts, you did talk about the A, but you dismissed it as BTDT. You had accepted responsibility, and that's good. But she still hadn't come to terms with it. It is your personality to tackle a problem or project and then put it behind you, look to the next problem, tackle it, and then put it behind you. This a marriage, not a problem. Or perhaps you could consider it ongoing project.
What my hunch is....is that your authoritativeness and Type A personality is killing your marriage. You were ready to crucify her on the cross. That's not a marriage, bub. That's a dictatorship. Who assigned you to be judge and jury over her transgressions, when she didn't even assign HERSELF to be judge and jury over yours???
She is hurt. She does need to see a C. For herself.
Something else. You are complaining about her not working. I would like you to talk about that more. Not the complaining bit, but why doesn't she work? When you got married, did she just say "I'm not working" or did ya'll AGREE she would stay home to be there for four kids. (Lord, she's a better woman than me, if that's what she agreed to.) Did you ask HER to stay home for the kids? I don't want to here about how she is going to have to figure out a job if ya'll divorce. I want to hear about how it got this way to begin with. Has she ever worked?
I truly truly truly believe she was hurt and didn't know how to handle it. At some point you probably told her the A was over and to just get over it. Or maybe that you weren't going to discuss it with her anymore?? Or maybe you told her that you thought it was best not to discuss and then refused to. I don't know. Probably at that point, she did start distancing herself. Who can blame her? You have done the same thing.
Ugh. My advice. Not that I am a wealth of knowledge. But you both go to C, including MC, and prolly IC, too. She probably doubts herself and her ability to make a decision. Especially if you have always been there to direct the family. When you had the EA, you took away her safety net. It's hard to trust you, but then, it's hard to trust herself again too. She trusted that she had made the right decision to put her heart in your hands and then to find out she was wrong....it friggin hurts. My stitch. I had the PAs. But he had As with alcohol...something nobody can compete with. I lost my safety net. I lost my faith in him. I lost feeling like he would always put me first.
Anyway. I am done for today. Not sure what else I can tell you. You can read my stitch. My H game me the alone time I desperately needed to realize that I did love him, even though I know we have problems. There was a point. There still is a point. That I am just waiting for him to wake TFU, ride in on this stupid white horse, tell me he loves me, hold me, and say we'll work it all out and to please just....please.
We'll see. Good luck. Sorry for the 2x4s. Please keep posting here. We all want to read about success stories. It gives us hope.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
