Thanks for your help. I need to come up with some 180s, I am still very accomodating. His mom called again tonight to check on S6 and asked where H was. The at work may not be working for much longer.
H asked me to call him after I put the kids to bed, I don't know why as it was a frustrating and difficult conversation. I need to keep reminding myself he is in pain, he is not purposely setting out to hurt me.
I had printed off Heart Blessing's 6 stages for him. That, of course, annoyed him. He goes into the you accused me of being depressed 10 months ago and now you are saying I'm in a midlife crisis. I tried to tell him I just wanted to give him info so he wouldn't feel so very alone. But, I'm also wondering if I'm pushing will that make him pull.
Of course all his talk tonight was about separating and the dynamics of it. He is also upset that I am getting along so well without him. I asked him if that bothered him, he said yes. I told him that didn't me we didn't miss him.
I told him I saw that he had three options at the end of the week: 1. come home and we both work our butts off to make M work, 2. Continue think period in furnished apartment or 3 Break up family and get apartment. Well, he got upset at my choice of wording, break up the family. He takes it that I mean he would be shirking his parental responsiblity. I explained what I meant, we would never be a cohesive foursome again.
Everything I say is wrong, but I calmly try to explain what I'm saying. A 180 for me would be confrontational, I wonder if I should just stop being nice and say things bluntly. He did thank me for being so patient. I told him he was welcome.
I dont feel like I'm handling these conversations well, maybe because I want some type of resolution, and it isn't coming.
He had to go to bed early tonight for work tomorrow. He was also mad because on Sunday I was busy and we didn't go to Toys R Us together like we talked about.
Is the answer just not talking? Let him figure this out without me? When we do goodnight calls, just quickly put the kids on? He said he isn't doing as much writing as he thought he would be, thought he'd be doing pro and con lists. He said where he is at now is he isn't happy with the direction his life is going.
I thought I was fine with the thought of him filing for divorce, but my stomach is dropping at the thought of it. My BIL sounded just a little too happy at the idea of my H falling from grace in the eyes of my parents and he getting to be the good son in law for a change. Glad someone is happy about this.
Quote: He is also upset that I am getting along so well without him. I asked him if that bothered him, he said yes. I told him that didn't me we didn't miss him.
I think his saying that means something. I've always kind of had the opinion that his issues were more with himself than with you, and this makes me think it more so.
Quote: He was also mad because on Sunday I was busy and we didn't go to Toys R Us together like we talked about.
Quote: That, of course, annoyed him.
Quote: Well, he got upset at my choice of wording, break up the family.
Look how many times he was "upset", "mad", and "annoyed". Which brings me to this.
Quote: He said where he is at now is he isn't happy with the direction his life is going.
No kidding. He isn't happy - but I can't see anywhere from your recent posts that make me think his unhappiness has anything to do with you.
It seems obvious that there is something there in his heart for you.....look, he got what he wanted (a separation) and he is just as miserable, or even more so, now that he has it. And now he's upset because you seem to be doing fine without him??? What did he want you to do - curl up in a little ball and beg and plead???
My point is, Jackie, that I think he loves you. But he doesn't seem to like himself very much.
What to do about it??? I don't know. Maybe getting blunt is something you may need to do. I'm not sure I would go there quite yet though. I think I'd give this separation a little more time.
I don't feel like the strong one at the moment. My eupohria of being off eggshells is wearing off and the intense sadness of it all is setting in. Especially when the boys are telling me how they miss Dad and why can't I work so Dad can be home?
He has this fantasy that he will be just as much a part of their lives as he was, but I don't know how to get through to him that reality isn't so. But, from reading the first chapter of Mars v. Venus, I am seeing how my unsolicited advice and help is unwanted. So i'll stop with the articles and such.
I'll wait on the blunt talk, strike when the iron is cold. But if he divorces me, I don't know if I will stay here, should I tell him this, that I could possibly move 8 hours away or should I keep my mouth shut and not make him angrier than he is?
Quoting Dagny: I'll wait on the blunt talk, strike when the iron is cold. But if he divorces me, I don't know if I will stay here, should I tell him this, that I could possibly move 8 hours away or should I keep my mouth shut and not make him angrier than he is?
Jackie
Jackie -- IMHO, there's plenty of time to tell him something like this....no need to bring it up now.
I know it's trite but I hope that you are taking really,really good care of yourself.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I know it's trite but I hope that you are taking really,really good care of yourself.
To be honest, I don't even know what that means anymore. Eating brownies and fast food? Just don't feel like cooking and cleaning, have all these projects floating in my head, but just can't get motivated to do anything. Just feel like I'm existing, not much beyond that.
My BIL just sent pictures of the new twins, just hit me, I'll probably never really meet them, I'm no longer an aunt!
The Mars/Venus book has some interesting insights, should have read it years ago.
I agree with Sage. You don't need to mention to your H that you will move away if you D. There's plenty of time for that.
I know you don't see it, Jackie, but I don't think you are anyway near the point of no return. I agree that things have taken a bad turn, but I don't think it is hopeless.
God knows I know that we never see our own sitch's the way others do (I was exhibit A on that one!), but I just don't think your H is thinking clearly at all. There are too many mixed signals. Don't give up yet!!!!
Jackie, it's impossible to know what your H is thinking.....maybe you will get D'd. But I don't think that decision has been made yet.
I think that you don't need to tell your H that you will move if the D comes. Right now I don't think would help your sitch. I agree with Steve that this is not past the point of no return.
The other day I went with my W to a friend of hers that is got remarried to the guy that she D over a year ago.
Your husband is obviously(sp) confused. You know this, so I know this is hard but instead of worring so much start doing things for yourself that if nothing else allow you to think about other things. I know easier said than done. Anyway my 2 cents.
Quoting Dagny: I know it's trite but I hope that you are taking really,really good care of yourself.
To be honest, I don't even know what that means anymore. Eating brownies and fast food? Just don't feel like cooking and cleaning, have all these projects floating in my head, but just can't get motivated to do anything. Just feel like I'm existing, not much beyond that.
So...maybe letting yourself just exist w/o guilt is #1 on the list?
I'm guessing we'd all have slightly different lists. I guess mine would look something like:
1. Cut myself some slack regardless of what the rest of this list looks like. 2. Eat as well as I can. Strike a balance between healthy eating and not depriving myself. Remember that I feel better when I eat good food. 3. EXERCISE. There is nothing like it, for me. Walk, run, dance, lift weights, yoga, whatever. Just do something 5x/week. 4. get outside in the sunshine 5. watch funny movies 6. meditate every day 7. listen to loving audiotapes (Jack Kornfield, Pema Chodron) 8. Cry if I feel like it. The shower is a good place! 9. Don't drink to excess 10. make sure to get enough sleep but don't wallow in bed if I can help it. Go for a walk in lieu of exercise. 11. stay away from big crowds -- they bum me out. 12. seek support from the BB
etc.
Maybe just #1 is enough for now?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hey..Jackie..been reading your posts..I know the pain of h leaving..if you have read mine..h is gone now 10months..at first I wanted to call..let him not forget me...then I backed off..and he came around a little..he started to do laundry here..then decided that it was not he space he had asked for..just sleeping somewhere ele..that hurt me, but it got easier..we don't have young kids, so we have no reason to talk much..BUT...I just read Teach's thread and she said that this whole thing has made her wake up and take charge of her own life..and I have to agree...I have changed so much about me and have seen h in a different way these past months that I took for granted. It is hard..and there are bad days...but go on with life..take it slow..but don't just sit around. your kids need you to be strong and happy. Take soe walks..do some stuff that you have put off. I have joined a book club..church stuff..I am losing weight..decorating the house. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I am going to live life to the fullest..it is too short and precious. Yesterday was our 25th anniv..I cried some tears as I thought about our vows so long ago..but I asked God for the strength to continue on.
Thank you for your kind words, they come at the exact time I need them. I've been trying to be strong, but tonight, the pain, the enormity of this all and the impact on the kids (and me) is just too much. You are right, it will make me stronger, I will learn new things about me and I'm sure going to go through these episodes again. Just the sense of failure is overwhelming.
Why me. But I guess we are all like that, feel that, not one of us would have believed that we would be in these positions. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through your 25th alone. You sound so strong, Sue. I know I need patience.
Sage, thanks for the list. Sometimes it just seems like the most obvious things are so far out of reach. I'm glad there are clear thinking people around here when we are so far from level headed.
