H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Wow, I can't believe it's been over two weeks since I posted on my own thread! I have been trying to check the boards less often because I just keep getting sucked into reading everything and I'll be on for hours and hours. Not a good thing, that. I'm trying to wean myself from spending so much time on the computer overall, and this board is a significant factor. But I should get notified if anyone posts to me, so you can do that to get my attention and a response.

I am doing okay. I have been sort of hibernating; the weather has been not very nice where I am, and it is a slow time of year for my business, so I have been vegetating a bit too much for my own good and not getting very much accomplished. But I think it's time to take steps to break that pattern.

I started teaching another (small) calligraphy class--two returning students and one new one--a couple of weeks ago. I really enjoy the teaching, which is a big surprise for me (I had resisted teaching for years--I was scared to teach, afraid I couldn't communicate the concepts well, but it doesn't seem to be a big problem and I really like interacting with my students). The bonus is that it's the ONLY two-hour stretch every week when I DON'T think about H at all! That is a great relief for me, since I'm not very successful with the thought-stopping thing.

My aunt (mother's oldest sister) died about two weeks ago, and so for the last week, my mother has been halfway across the country dealing with related issues and visiting her remaining sister. She is coming back tomorrow, and her car has been in my driveway since she left (I live in an area with a major airport; she lives two hours away in the boonies). I was going to take the car I don't drive out of the garage and park it in the driveway, and put her car in the garage instead, but then it snowed. A lot. And neither of those cars is exactly in mint condition, and it wouldn't hurt either of them much to be out, so I decided not to worry about it. After I pick her up from the airport tomorrow, my mother is staying with me overnight and driving back Sunday when it's daylight. And it looks like we will be having dinner with my friend Lynn and her H--at Lynn's request; she wants to get to know my mom better (which makes her kind of a rare bird, since my mom is a great person in many respects, but many people find her rather...hmm, how to expresss it?...formidable, and [unintentionally] intimidating). Anyway...I was not really close to the aunt who just died--we lived about 1000 miles apart, so I hadn't seen her in at least 10 years, and she was 87...but I never knew her to be critical or unkind to anyone, and I remember her fondly. She was one of the gentler souls in the family, despite being the oldest of six (my mom is the youngest--but you'd never guess it if you met her; she acts like a first-born!).

I am completely out of money at the moment (okay, my checking account has $40...but I've already written checks for more than that amount, just haven't mailed them yet). I have a stack of unpaid (and mostly overdue) bills at my elbow that is about 4 inches high and I'm afraid to look at them, and I have no savings or credit cards of my own. However, I'm expecting checks from several clients in the next few days, so even though they won't cover all of my bills, at least I will continue to have food and water and heat and a decent car and a roof over my head, and my cats and I won't be out on the street. I have legitimate access to the account my H's paycheck goes into, and also several credit cards that we hold jointly, but I am trying to avoid using his money for anything other than what he volunteered to pay for (mortgage and utilities for the house, which I am still living in although he is not). I will use some of his income if I have to, and I don't *think* he would begrudge me doing so (especially if I explained that the alternative was starving or whatever)--although who can predict when a MLCer will take offense--but I feel strongly that I need to become financially independent ASAP. I really hate the fact that I am in this predicament, in which I am not even earning above the poverty line for one person, despite my education and intelligence and skills and the effort I have put into building my business over the last fifteen years. And here I am completely broke, and I'm just hoping to learn whatever lesson this is supposed to teach me QUICKLY.

I have been trying to motivate myself to finish the work I need to do for my website while the paying work is slow...so that I can get lots more paying work. (It might seem that the issues mentioned in the previous paragraph would provide adequate incentive, but unfortunately that has not done the trick so far.) I have so many ideas for marketing my work (even though I am definitely no marketing guru!), but they have all been on the back burner waiting for the website to be up and running so that when I talk to people about what I do, they can go to my site and judge for themselves whether they find it to be of interest to them. And the part that I need to do isn't even hard stuff...just scanning samples of my work, which I already know how to do. I just need to do it. I think the reason it's taking me so long (my site has been under construction for over four years, and is still just one basic info page with no samples of my work) is that I have this fear of no longer having that excuse for why I'm not earning even enough to scrape by. Yes, as I've mentioned before, I definitely have issues. Too bad I can't wave a wand and fix them.

Absolutely no news on the M front; it is now over five weeks since my last contact of any kind with H (just to refresh your memory, he dropped by unexpectedly on Christmas Eve, for about 5 minutes, at which point I hadn't had any contact with him for 3 weeks). So I have seen him once, for five minutes, in the two months since about a week after he moved out, and there has been no phone/email/text contact either. It is getting easier (in emotional terms) to deal with his leaving, and is definitely more peaceful in the house without having to deal with his MLC issues. I don't know if I qualify as detached, but I feel much better not being around him as long as he's possessed by Mr. Bluto Zorg, Space Alien.

The only news I have about him that hasn't been mentioned in prior posts is that my neighbor (I have talked to her and her H about my sitch) told me this week that her H saw my H out driving somewhere with OW, and he (the neighbor) came home and told his W, "I know Dawn said OW was big, but my G*d, she's HUGE! She filled up the entire front seat of his car!" <heh, heh, heh!> So, not to make anyone here feel bad about their weight, but the validation of the contrast (since I'm a size 2!) made me feel better and helped keep away the "It's all my fault" feelings.

I have a question to present for the benefit of your collective wisdom. H's birthday is in a couple of days. I definitely am not going to get him a gift or a card or call him, but I'm wondering if I should email/text a simple "Happy Birthday" message. Should I break NC to that small extent? I am fine with it either way, I'm just not sure what would be the best move here, DB-wise. If it were an anniversary, I would just ignore it (that's what happened last year--neither of us has mentioned an anniversary since the bomb), but I'm not sure what to do about his birthday when we have been in NC for over a month. I'd just as soon not have any contact with him at all while he's treating me as though I'm some sort of nasty fungus, but I will have to communicate with him at some point regardless, if for no other reason than to discuss tax filing issues before the April deadline. And I don't want to give him more ammunition for demonizing me--"You didn't even acknowledge my birthday!"

My last birthday (mine is in July), we were still living together but he was very reluctant to so much as touch me, and he verbally wished me a happy birthday before he left for work, and then in the evening, asked what my plans were, and I told him that Lynn and her H were taking me out for dinner. He surprised me (since he had not indicated any interest in spending time with me for over six months, except to periodically tell me how unhappy I made him) by saying, "Oh...I was going to offer to take you out for dinner." So I invited him to go along, which he did. And that was it for my birthday. No gifts, cards, flowers, etc. from the man who, for over twenty years up to the bomb, normally had at least three gifts and multiple cards for me on any gift-giving occasion (he is amazing at selecting just the right gift--and I'm not talking about the cost, but the suitability to the recipient--especially for having a Y chromosome!), and we always went out to eat for birthdays and anniversaries and Valentine's Day.

So...I am inviting your advice on this matter. What do you think would be best for me to do, and why? Operators are standing by...

Peace,
Dawn