Enjoying the "single" W-A-L-K (Faith 54)

[MAL]

Most of the classes I have left now are electives. So I'm taking the ones I'll need for my CPA, just in case. That's the plan anyway. Then I can deal with the remaining classes later, since they require more credits before you can sit for the exam.

Bowling isn't that bad, if you don't totally stink at it. I haven't been in a long time, but enjoy it when I go. I'm sure they have a bar at the bowling alley for you!

I have a friend who grew up there on the Eastern Shore. Every time I talk about going up there, she offers advice. I'd be happy to ask her for you?

[MAL]

I'll survive. I had some pretty severe pain last fall but it eventually went away.

Sorry I just saw this post. Maybe I can't keep up with you after all? SMILE

I'm sorry to hear you've been having problems. What did you injure?

I have a friend in the Air Force. I think I've talked about him before. He is down in Georgia now, and looking at retirement. He has several issues, so I expect he'll receive some disability too, but the money can't be worth it.

[jstx]

I'll survive this weekend. Mainly just plan to watch the football game. As far as the pain, I have some back problems. It periodically causes problems. Last couple of years it's been hurting more often and taking longer to get better. But it does eventually work itself out. I feel pretty good right now.

And I agree, the money you get for disability really isn't worth it. But I did have a lot of fun for a couple of decades. We all do stupid stuff every once in awhile. Sometimes it has a price. Oh well.

You have a great evening. I'm going to get some sleep.

Be good.

[MAL]

Oh, okay. I seem to recall you talking about your back before. I can certainly relate to what that feels like. Thankfully I don't have as much trouble with mine, but I have to be careful. It's all of the other body parts that hurt now. What a trade.

I'm glad you had fun. Heck, if you gotta work, make it something you love, right? Like jumping out of moving objects? Hooyah!!!

Hope your day goes well and you get out early tomorrow.

I will try to be good, but you know how hard that is for me.

Hugs!!

[MAL]

I took one of those baby steps tonight. The friend is sending an email to the guy that I think is S22's bio-father. I'm awaiting her reply. If it's him, I'm going to go ahead and send the email I wrote for him. I should know something this weekend, I hope, assuming he replies. Wish me luck.

We had family night tonight. It's a new thing. Well, kinda new. We would get together sometimes, but not on a regular basis. Since S22 moved in last month, and then out again, we made a pact that every other Friday, on the weekends that I have S14, we would have dinner and games/movies/etc... We just didn't see each other enough over the past two years, and we're trying to change that.

S14 was a bit of a pain through part of it, which seems to be normal when we all get together, but we just went on and made the best of our time together. He is the one that missed out, if you ask me.

It just irritates me when he mouths off, especially knowing that he wouldn't dare do that at his dad's house. I finally snapped when he told me I was being selfish, and I sent him to his room. We continued enjoying ourselves, but his evening was pretty much a bust after that.

I hope he isn't like that next time too. Ugh.

Speaking of the ex, a bunch of stuff went down at their house last weekend when S14 was there. Ex's W (the OW) was in one of her "moods" and made everyone aware of it. It's nuts the stuff she was doing and saying. S14 called me on Saturday morning, wanting to come home. I told him to talk to his dad.

They ended up leaving (like they do when she has one of those moods) and spent the day at my ex SIL's house. Ex-H brought S14 home Saturday night, and he spent the rest of the weekend with me.

S14 and ex-H talked a little about it. It is obvious that ex is a bit over her mood swings. He even told S14 that she needs to get help or talk to someone, but when he tries to suggest that it gets even worse.

I'm glad that he at least had enough sense to get S14 out of the situation that weekend and also talk to him. I can tell it meant a lot to S14 that his dad understood and agreed that she was out of line with her behavior.

I just hope it isn't one of those times when ex-H comes back to S14 later and says that she was right with how she felt. It ticked me off last time that happened.

It's beem 5 years since ex's friend confided in me about her mood swings, and them thinking she was a bit bi-polar. (Some of the old-timers may remember that conversation and how shocked I was in hearing it.)

It looks like nothing has changed. LOL. Poor guy! I hope he got what he wanted!!

[MAL]

I was just doing some searching on the internet, checking out pics of S22's bio dad and seeing if he had been on the site anymore since the last time I checked.

When I think about what I have been doing, researching all these people that I've never met....

OMG!! No! Is it true?

Have I turned into a CYBER STALKER!! LOL

It's just so amazing what you can find on the internet. Within moments I found where S22's dad worked, lived, etc... I found his birth annoucement on Ancestry.com, plus more!

For my bio family, I have SS#'s for my brother and his father who have both passed away. I have addresses for my sisters and I have names of my nephews. I could go on and on with what I found through various websites and search engines.

These people don't have a clue that I've been finding information about them. I almost feel guilty about doing it. But there really wasn't any other way.

Do you think they have a 12-step program for CYBER STALKERS?

I could also use one for my addiction to the Apfel Korn that I drank tonight (apple schnapps liqueur). I think I had 3 shots maybe? I should sleep good tonight. But I am going to have to find another store to buy another bottle. I got this one up in PA last year during vacation. I may just have to make another trip up there, if I can't find it around her.

[MAL]

In the meantime, you realize I've been in your neck of the woods for almost a week and today is the first time I saw the sun? What's up with that?

I was expecting a little more sunshine.

I almost forgot...I put in an order for you, and it finally arrived today. I hope you enjoyed it!

[MAL]

Just felt like journaling tonight for some reason....

Robert had some family in town tonight, so S14 and I went over there for dinner and visited for a little while. We couldn't stay long, because S14 has to finish the 2 essays that he is writing for his application to the academies. The applications are due on Monday.

On the way home tonight, I was thinking about a post I made last night. I said that there were advantages to being divorced now. But I also rememberd that I said I would have rather been over on the Piecing forum.

I guess I am piecing. Maybe not piecing my M back together, but this forum could also be called "Piecing my Life back together." Doesn't that seem to apply for those who are post D and no longer on that roller coaster?

Don't get me wrong, I'm doing well. But I think these past few months brought me to another one of those onion layers -- where I'm peeling off another layer.

I don't know why it surprises me, since it's not the first time that I've found myself reflecting, but it does. It's obvious that I keep growing and changing, and when I do, I look back at where I've been, where I am, and where I want to go next.

I've changed over the past 6 months. I knew something was different with me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I think it has something to do with college, being busy with life, getting back into church, my career, the bio family search, keeping busy with my kids, etc....Somewhere in there, I learned more about independence and being single. I see goals that I want for myself, things that I still want to fix inside of me, and they don't involve another person in my life.

The bad thing is that during all of that, I've been in an R. Robert and I have been dating for 1 1/2 years now. Last summer if he had asked me to marry him, I may have said yes. But if he asked me today, I would say "No, I'm not ready yet."

I don't think that's a bad thing. It just means that I am not ready yet, and that's okay.

Heck, he may not even be the one, and that's okay too. I know that.

But the fact that I have grown away from him during these past 6 months may be a bad thing.

I know he feels it, but we haven't discussed it. It wasn't until this week that I finally put my finger on it.

By living my life, working on goals, I have become more distant. Again, that may just be normal considering the past 6 years, and all that has happened in my life. I will be cautious. I'll enjoy my independence. All that stuff that we go through post D, especially women like me, who have so many other things to fill their lives.

Fear is in there too, of course. I can admit that.

I think part of it also has to do with our R, and some things that are missing. And I have a fear of stepping back into the same routine that I had with my ex-H.

I probably need to explain that more. But later. I need to go prepare the sunday school lesson for tomorrow. It takes a lot to keep 4-5 year olds busy for an hour - short attention spans, ya know? But it's very rewarding.

Last week when I was getting ready to leave church, one of the little girls ran up to me and gave me a hug. That made my day. Another one who is very introverted was singing one of our songs in the car one day. Her mom asked me what the song was. This is a little girl that I wonder about, and I can never tell if I'm getting through to her. All of those little things make it worth while.

Well, let me go get that together. I'll be back.

[MAL]

Ouch. I worked out on the elliptical trainer tonight, and my hip and knee are not happy about it. Sigh...I am getting old!

More journaling...

I know part of the problem with my R is me. Being so busy means there isn't much time for anything else, and I've been putting him at the end of the list. And I definitely don't want to move back into the old patterns that I had with ex-H.

(I can't seem to find it in me to call him GWH anymore - maybe because we've been getting along? With the new court stuff, you may see me calling him that again soon.)

But even before these past few months, there was something missing with Robert.

I remember about a year ago I had a bad cold. When I got home from work that night, I found chicken noodle soup and a note from Robert on my front porch. That small gesture was worth 3 dozen roses to me! I had a board meeting the next night and mentioned it, and all of the women loved it (like most women would, we're sappy that way.)

Then there was a tough week at work and with college, and I was feeling overwhelmed. I came home to a nice card in the mail (he does that sometimes).

But those moments don't occur much anymore. I remember he brought me flowers once when we were first dating, and none since.

In that time, I also stopped trying. A card in the mail, or a little gift...not like I did before. Last year I brought him jelly bellys on the anniversary of his W's death. This year, I just called to see if he was doing okay. I don't try like I used to. That's bad.

I have explained that I'd like more romance, some flowers sometimes. Even a cheap rose from 7-11. Anything to add some spice. There is also a lack of physical intimacy. Back in the beginning, he seemed to be very into me. But that slowly tapered off, and although he says that I do it for him, I don't see that.

He said it has more to do with having a respect for a woman and the way he was raised (more old fashioned). I can understand that, and I thought that if I explained it was okay and I needed more, he would finally get it.

It's not just about s3x though. Anything physical - we don't have to have s3x to have that.

I am beginning to think that he is more of a LD kinda guy. I can understand that as we get older, that can happen. I'm not like that though. I am more HD then I was during my M, but in a long-term R, I'm sure that would taper off some. However, I doubt I will ever be LD.

I tried telling him what I wanted and needed, and I've done it several times. I see now that I stopped telling him sometime last year. I didn't see anything changed, and I just started to accept that it may always be this way.

I am bothered by it thinking that if we are only dating now, when we should have all of the chemistry, hormones, etc...,and we've already settled into this pattern, what would it be like if we were M?

About a month ago, several flower deliveries arrived at the guard desk at work. I walked out one day and made a comment to the guard about it. He said that maybe one was for me. I replied "No, if I ever get a call from you saying that I have a delivery, I'll know that it's just that, a delivery. I won't get flowers." It came out so quickly and matter of fact that it shocked me. Did I just say that?

I was honest with Robert and told him about it. I explained that it's not about the flowers. It's all the other little things.

He did surprise me a couple of weeks ago. He got off work early and called and asked if I wanted to meet him for lunch. I had to go up to college during lunch that day, but I knew that he was making a good gesture. So I took a few extra minutes for lunch and met him at a fast food place. I didn't have long with him, but it was the thought that counted. So I know that he hears me. Unfortunately, it may be another 6 months before he does something like that again. He just doesn't think about it, and I feel like I'm nagging.

Last week, we were in a little convenience store, and I saw those little packages of flowers, and I said something mean. I said that I should buy myself some, like I used to do, because nobody else buys them for me. I knew it wasn't quite appropriate, but again, I'm trying to ask for what I want (I know men can't figure it out on their own.) He chuckled because he knew I was picking at him. A few minutes later, we were at the counter, and he showed me some mentos. He said he would be happy to buy some of those for me - show up at work with some?

I replied that it would be awesome if he showed up at my office and dropped off mentos with the guard. Even though I don't like mentos, that would make my month! I again said that it's not about the flowers. It's the idea that you would go out of your way to show me how you feel about me. It's the romance. I didn't mention the lack of intimacy (maybe I gave up on that?).

He's wonderful in every other way. He is there for me. He is a good man. He comes from a great family. He is my best friend. He helps me when I need it. He is not a workaholic and would rather enjoy life. He laughs at me and makes me laugh. He would never cheat on me. Honor, integrity, family - all have a strong place in his life. I have all of the other things that I did not have with my ex H. All but the spice, intimacy, and romance - I need that too.

And for the last 6 months, while I was working on all of the other things in my life, I stopped expecting it from him. And by doing that, I changed, and distance grew between us.

I am just now figuring out what happened, and why.

So I have been asking myself - Do I settle for all of these other great things? Is that good enough? Am I expecting too much? I know that in the long run, all of these other things are what will be there and will matter. In 20 years, roses won't mean much, but having someone there will.

But in 20 years, is it still possible to have the little romantic gestures that make you feel special? I think it is. And that is where I have a big gap.

I realized this past week that he is just like my ex with his love language - "Acts of Service." He will do anything for me if I ask, and to him, that is a way to show love. Those things are important to me, yes. Especially now that I'm single and I could use some help around the house, yard, etc...But that is not all that I need.

I told him about 5LL, and I think he understands it. But I don't feel we've done anything about it.

Again, I'm journaling more than anything, so I can get my thoughts out. I know that I own this situation too. It's not just about him. Just trying to figure it out.

Thus, the new thread title. I am enjoying the single walk, and feeling a little guilty about it. I don't know when I'll want more, or with whom, but if I do decide to mover forward with someone, I do think it's supposed to be more than what this is right now.

Is a 7 out of 10 the best we can expect? I hope not.

So back comes another layer of the onion. Finding me, finding my way, and deciding what I want out of a partner and myself.

[MAL]

Okay....I was upset that the Cardinals didn't win tonight, but it was a good game! A bit frustrating in that last few minutes, but that is what made it exciting. I had to leave the Super Bowl party early, and missed the half-time show, but I did catch the last part of the game, and most of the 4th quarter.

Wow, I've had a busy weekend. Then tonight we put the finishing touches on the two essays and applications for S14. They are due tomorrow.

He is applying to two academies here in the public schools:

• Global Studies and World Languages
  Legal Studies

He wants to do something with foreign relations eventually, State Department, CIA, language interpreter, foreign travel, or something like that.

So either academy will have benefits for him, but he prefers the Global Studies and World Languages academy. He is already taking Spanish. He would add a 2nd language during high school, and after college, he should know 3 languages. He's considering Chinese right now, and this is the only school in our city that offers it. (Not sure if I went into that much detail in earlier posts, so I apologize if I am repeating myself. That's what happens when you get old.)

He would have opportunities to travel in either academy, but some more foreign travel in this one (which he really wants to do).

If he doesn't get into that academy, then perhaps the other one. Both offer great opportunities that he would not find in his home school.

So anyway, that is just about done, and will be turned in tomorrow. Wish him luck! If he doesn't get into one of the academies, we may move this summer. I would rather stay where we are, but we'll see.

No updates yet on the search for S22's bio-dad. The email went to the man today (the one that I think is him). My friend is going to update me if he replies. In the meantime, I need to put some finishing touches on the email that I will send to him.

Talking about a tough email to write! Sigh.... Yo Dude! You have a son, here's his pics, wanna meet him again? LOL

Well, I wasn't that blunt, but it feels like that.

I know that it will be what it will be, and I'm okay with that. I'm doing the best I can do, and if he doesn't want to meet his son or share info with him, then it's his loss. S22 is a great kid!

I thought some more about what I posted about Robert, and I realized something else.....I see that in my earlier years I always felt like I was lucky to have someone love me. That maybe I didn't deserve it, or maybe I didn't have many choices, and I should be happy with what I got. I often lived in fear that my ex-H would leave me, and I was always grateful that he didn't. Of course that finally did come true, but imagine always living in fear that he might tire of me and move on.

Now, here I am knowing that it isn't like that for me anymore. If someone doesn't love me or leaves me, I'm okay with it. I don't live in fear, and I never will again.

It's the reverse of how I used to be, and today, I feel like the person who would be the walkaway.

I see it as a good and a bad thing. Good in that I have enough confidence in myself to know that I can live on my own, and I am not afraid of being left behind or hurt (been there done that). But it's a bad thing that I almost think I could walk away too easily now. And I don't want to hurt someone because I don't exactly know what I want.

So no long-term commitment feels too good right now.

I think it is just more indication that I'm still changing and growing. When I'm ready for more, I don't think I'll feel this way. I'm not worried too much about it all - I just need to understand it.

So for now, I'll keep thinking and over-analyzing like I always do, and I will figure it all out (like I always do). That just means more journaling here....while I work through it. LOL.