So, the only real difference is that I know. Should that change anything?
Your expectation is that he not have contact with the OW. He's not meeting that expectation. Therefore, something must change. You'll need some time to think about whether or not this is a M deal breaker. You did say that things were generally positive, though his communication skills need some work.
What would be a logical or natural consequence? You can disclose what you know to him, and share your disappointment and anger. You can sleep in separate beds for a week or month to gather your thoughts, and make a statement. Maybe you two need to be roommates for a week or more, while you gather your thoughts.
I think Act AS If is a good tool, when you have negative feelings, but you need to practice actions that promote connection. Your situation calls for limit-setting, and the implementation of consequences. It doesn't need to and shouldn't involve any major R decisions at this time.
Your H needs to see you acting with courage, self-restraint, and logic, not reacting out of fear. He's the one who needs to be feeling some fear.
If there's any acting to be done, it's acting with courage in spite of your fears and doubts.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
