Cupid's Arrows

[Concerned_Listener]

I ended up going to a dance lesson without my W last night. She hasn't been feeling well this past week with a respiratory problem.

I had a great time. It's important for me to not let my W hold me back from getting out, when we have a dance lesson or event planned, and she has a late cancellation. In the past, when she would decide at the last minute to not attend a lesson, I would also stay back.

At the lesson, the female instructor, who I consider an acquaintance told me I was "too nice." I don't know what prompted her comment, but it continues to resonate with me. I replied to her, that "I know."

My W is wanting me to resume IC to address intimacy issues. She contines to hold the perspective that it's my issue, versus a relational one. My perspective is that it's both. She needs to realize that her actions will either promote it or create distance.

I received a long email rant earlier this week. I felt like I was walking around with arrows in my back, like out of an old western movie. I ignored that particular email. I responded to the other emails where there were solvable problems (agreeing to hire snow removal for heavy snowstorms, and ordering a larger trash container from the garbage company).

My W found a Friendship Force trip (already, and we're not even members) to Columbia in July that she wants to go. I proposed that we not pursue the August Puerto Rico trip if we wish to make this one. We'll see how this plays out. I'm glad she's excited about it.

My W called up a male friend and went dancing without me tonight, because she didn't think I was paying enough positive attention to her this evening. I failed to communicate that I was tired, and needed some space. I could have gone to the dance venue on my own, but chose to stay home with my sheep puppy dog.

I wrote her an email about my dance intentions this weekend. Last weekend we missed a dance because we didn't have a firm schedule, so napped until it was too late to go. I'm going to take the lead this weekend, and will create and let her know the schedule if she wants to ride with me to the dance events.

I feel like I'm letting her have too much control over our evening plans. I'll give her at least a day's notice what my intentions are, tell her what time she needs to be ready, and allow her to negotiate an alternate plan, if she feels she can't make it. At some point, though, I think it's fair to no longer wait for her and go on ahead of her, if she chooses to procrastinate about preparation.

As far as tonight, the plans were vague, so I can't be too upset. I assumed we were going out dancing tonight. As stated, she can be unpredictable and reactive, so chose to go independently.

It's time to take responsibility for my evening and weekend plans. I will work towards partnership, but will start setting some limits so as to prevent her last minute actions and decisions from thwarting my evening plans.

I can't expect that she will always choose to act as a partner.

CL

CL