So, after talking to some friends I get that I don't need to 'avoid' W. I need to do whatever I would normally do and if she's around just be me.
As far as dinners, we're giving the girls a mixed message if both of us are at the table with them. We're separated, room mates. So I'm going to suggest we alternate days having dinner with the girls.
and your goal in eating separately is what? You'd do that with a roomate? i really doubt that your girls will think eating together is sooo mixed of a signal. I mean, why'd you have a birthday dinner for d18 with w there? Why not have separate ones? Oh, I remember, b/c d18 wanted to have dinner together. And you have a d13 too? Well, I am not there and don't know what your reactions and options really are.
Seriously, do whatever you can handle and feel alright about.
( j )
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Frank, why make it more difficult.What is it going to hurt to have dinner with your wife and kids.Make it as easy as possible, don't create friction.Your kids are smart enough to realize what is going on.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
and your goal in eating separately is what? You'd do that with a roomate? i really doubt that your girls will think eating together is sooo mixed of a signal. I mean, why'd you have a birthday dinner for d18 with w there? Why not have separate ones? Oh, I remember, b/c d18 wanted to have dinner together. And you have a d13 too? Well, I am not there and don't know what your reactions and options really are.
When my dad got angry, he hurt people, emotionally or physically or both. Period. He didn't have the tools...
So yeah, I get afraid when Frankd says he wants to be angry...and you guys egg him on as if you know what it'll mean for his daughters. Sorry, but that's my take on it.
AmyC suggested that I say I am 'offended', not 'angry'. 'Angry' carries too much weight to it. And 'offended' is closer to how I am feeling.
As far as dinners, we're giving the girls a mixed message if both of us are at the table with them. We're separated, room mates. So I'm going to suggest we alternate days having dinner with the girls.
I honestly believe you make life too damn complicated for yourself.
You are not giving mixed messages to the girls, in fact you are setting an example of what co-parenting should be.
My snarky quote about the ruby slippers basically meant that you have had the ability to be Frank all of the time, you just refused to pay attention and use what you already had to get there.
You don't need 72 people posting to you, all giving their advice. Most of this is common sense.
I don't mean to be short with you, really I don't, but the analysis paralysis you suffer from sometimes makes me spin too!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
First and foremost you ( and everyone posting to you) have been in this "bs" for lack of a better word, for much longer than I. I may even be out of line to post to you, who knows?
You are a very intellegent man Frank, and in almost every aspect of life that is beneficial. There are times however, that can work against you. I have never met you, but I have seen enough to KNOW that your a very good person. The positives outway the negatives by far.
Now this is from one overthinker to another....
I have one close friend I open up to outside of the DB boards. One. He has been in a similar sitch. and he knows me best. I was venting to him one day.(one of many) He looked at me with a sh*t eatin grin and said." Do you know what your problem is?" I said What?! He said, Your too much brain and not enough balls. Frank, at first I wanted to deck him and he just grinned. Please don't take offense to this. I am by no means directing that at you. It opened my eyes though.
Frank, Your a great man and father, who desires to become better after walking through hell.
SIMPLICITY
Take some time alone and picture the "Frank" you desire to be, this part should come pretty easy.
Now, Little by little, bite by bite, MOVE to the "Frank." For YOU and only you.
It doesn't matter how small the movement is as long as your moving.
Lack of knowledge is not your problem. You have THE best offering their advice and your already extremely smart.
Keep moving toward "Frank." No matter how big or small the step, just keep moving. If you have that mental image of "Frank." there is nothing left to think about.
Keep your guard up, take care of your daughters, keep moving forward and Find FRANK.
You're doing fine. Make your plan and stick with it. The abundance of contradictory advice here is exactly what leads to your paralysis by analysis.
There's nothing wrong with refusing to eat together as a family. Your wife has made her intentions clear. She has come home for illegitimate reasons which you are not required to appear to endorse by sharing meals with her.
It IS possible to work towards effective co-parenting without yiedling to every direction given by a spouse who has already violated your trust by sleeping with others. And as a fellow male, I can tell you that I can COMPLETELY understand how hard it would be to do all these things that SHE is deciding need done.
Alternate meal nights with the girls is a perfect compromise. Recall that until yesterday she didn't even live in the house anymore.
You're doing well.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
