Waiting for the Happily Ever After Part

[Dagny]

Sage, you are right. I need to learn to word things so they aren't getting up his defenses, which is/was a theme in the m, he always felt like he was under attack. I never felt that way, don't know if that is from childhood or I do it inadvertently.

Day 1 as a separated person over. He called last night to check up on s6 and then called to say goodnight to kids. He told me he got the books and articles. I asked if that was okay, big pause and then he said yes.

I told him friends were coming to spend Saturday night with the kids and I, they didn't want me to be alone. He said, then I guess they know, I said, yeah V told them you were going through a tough time. Our friends children (15 & 17) are our children's god parents, I think he wanted it avoided having too many people know about this, but it is reality.

His next comment was I guess you aren't going to church then. I was planning to take the kids to Sunday School. I said probably not, then open my big mouth (why must I be so accomodating?), Did you want to attend a service together? He gets annoyed: I'm going whether you go or not, it just would have been nice to see the kids.

He also told me that our friend told him he really needs to be sleeping more, he has been getting very little, so he told me that is what he is going to concentrate on this next week. $1200 so he can get more sleep? Ugh. Getting frustrated. I think I do better when I keep my mouth shut. Listen and validate. I must make that my mantra during our conversations.

Jackie

[Dagny]

Idling about on a Saturday night, plans fell through to have visitors. Day 2.

Saw H for S6 soccer game and we had lunch together. H fairly quiet, but pleasant. Told me more about his talk with V---said one of the things she suggested was getting his resume together. I said that sounds like a good idea. He said that the dilemma they discussed was if he got a new job, 1) there would probably be a pay cut and the grass isn't always greener. and 2) He would be giving up a job he loves and then the M could still not work out. I said I hate to see him give up a job he loves. All I said, he gave me a look and said and.... I just left it at that. Asked if there was anything that could be done at work to ease his stress level/delegate. He said not. He was at work again today. I said the two books I thought would help with the work dilemma were Road less Taken and 7 Habits. He sounded a bit down tonight when kids handed me the phone after saying goodnight. S6 kept asking him what time it is where he is.

jackie

[psluke]

Hi Jackie,

Sorry your plans fell through for company last night.

It seems at least that your H is telling you some of the thinking process he has going on right now. David did that in the beginning some but I am blaming his distancing on my meltdowns. Could also partially be he just needed more space from me to help him figure himself out.

I don't suppose he could get a job in a similar area but without as much stress? David has kicked around another job also but he really likes what he does and some of the local people at his job.

He probably is down some. I thought David was down a lot of the times when he was first calling. I think it is an adjustment for them and they have to deal with the fact that they did leave and that they do miss their family and probably a lot of other thinking as well.

Just keep being his friend. He does sound way over stressed and sort of confused right now.

{{{{{{{{{{Jackie}}}}}}}}}}}

[sage]

Jackie -- Have you ever read "men are from mars, women are from venus"? I found it very insightful about how men may perceive certain comments and actions from women as "controlling".

Sage

[SteveO]

Hi Jackie

I was posting my update while you were posting asking about it!

How are you doing??? You sound like you are hanging. That's about all we can do.

I will say that I don't think your H has given up completely yet. I just don't see it that way. But the limbo is SOOOOO difficult.

I pray for you that he will find his way. The grass is never any greener on the other side, but for whatever reason, these WA's always think it is.

((((Jackie))))

Steve

[Dagny]

Pam, I agree, he is confused and he seems very miserable, not that happy to be living responsibility free and on his own.

Sage, thanks for the book reccomendation. I bought it years ago and never read it, I dug it out last night and started to read it and seem some salient points already.

Steve, I do think he is somewhat still undecidied. Fortunately, I have done things and been with the kids alone a lot, so this time isn't that difficult in terms of the practicalities of life. The weekend was lonely, but being off the eggshells had a bit of freedom to it.

I saw him at s4's school today, it was the first day. I took some pics, even with H and s4. He left a message on the machine asking me to send them to him. He sure is calling me a lot for someone he doesn't care about. I haven't responded yet, think I'll hold off a bit on that.

Jackie

[SteveO]

Jackie

He sure is calling me a lot for someone he doesn't care about. I haven't responded yet, think I'll hold off a bit on that.

I think holding off on responding back is a good move.

As for his calling a lot, I can only relate my own post-separation experience with that.

From the time she left (8/1/2002), until the end of the year, she called me very rarely. From the beginning of the year on, the calls pretty much ceased (unless she had no choice).

So I think he may be finding reasons to call. I think it's a good thing.

Thanks for your input on the e-mail. I think I'll wait until after the house settlement to send it though.

Take care

Steve

[mockers2]

((((Jackie))))

The weekends are hard. The pain is so much that it seems physical sometimes. You did it, though. Continue to take one day at a time (one hour at a time if you need to).

I agree that your H sounds confused and in pain. Someone posted to me early on in all this - Soupman, I think - to be aware of my H's pain, because it's there. This is something that has really helped me, although at times it seems to be hard to see it - espescially when I'm angry at him.

Continue to do things for yourself, and make plans with your children and supportive friends. Be proud of yourself for taking care of the children on your own. I have found this to be one of the blessings which has come out of this awful time.

I think you're right to wait a bit in returning his call. It was kind of you to have included him in the pictures with S4. This shows him your strength. Hang in there.

Have you seen the book Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On by Stormie Omartian? I have just gotten it, and it seems good. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Oh, that quote form my thread - I'm really not sure who wrote it - maybe Elizabeth Barrett Browning? (So much for being an English major? Fun to already be forgetful.) I think the other part is "launch off into the deep, let the shoreline go." Maybe this will ring some bells for someone here or maybe I can find it on some sort of quote search? Not too helpful. If I find it I'll let you know.

[rjd5974]

Sorry things are so rough for you right now. I hope you can find your way out of it.

On a bright note, he is calling a lot. I had a different experience at the beginning of my seperation. For the first couple months she wanted very little contact with me and so I complied and went dark on her. We don't have kids so there was absolutely no need for contact. This was very difficult so be glad that he is in regular contact.

Being that he's in regular contact it might be time to dig back into the DB basics and think of some good 180s. What could you do now that would surprise him? I think being less responsive to his calls is a good start. This doesn't mean being cold towards him, but if you act as if you're fully prepared to move on that just might shake him up a little bit. What else can you do that will surprise him? Take advantage of the regular contact by making some changes that will get him thinking.

[psluke]

Hi Jackie,

Sounds like you are getting some good advice here and I also think it is a good thing that he is calling a lot! That he asked for the pictures. I don't think he is decided at all. I think he sounds confussed and stressed and hurting.

Hang in there.

{{{{{{{{Jackie}}}}}}}}}}