My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

[25yearsmlc]

Well I am not saying it's tit for tat or the moral equivalency although... they may be...frankly, it this were a competition, I don't see that her actions are worse than his. As far as we know, the only proof (sorry but I am a L -but a nice person!- and get bogged down in what is known vs suspected vs mere pondering...) we have of anything on her end, is short lived, immature raunchy flirting....but that's not my point.

My point is that somehow I didn't get that he had had an A at at all, or that it was an "EA" long ago, as in, a "non-issue for the M" and now I see it differently...so when I read her post to the mutual friend, and she mentions the A of her h, I saw great pain in her. Definitely an unresolved issue for her at least.

The good news is that the pain means she is not indifferent but I was really really surprised to be reading that THIS h had had an A of this type (as opposed to a drunken one night stand, etc) and that you had done the whole myspace fishing thing, first, b/c the way you posted here, to me, seemed as if is you'd never do something like this and that out of nowhere, she does this to you..and you got all bogged down in snooping issues, and you said you'd leave HER for sure if she cheated...wth!?? That bugged me Jeff, okay? In fact it's a little odd to make that type of declaration, given the history, don't you think?

Then when I re-read the more recent posts about your A, and your words: "what's done is done" something in me felt like saying, "really? Easy for you to say..." Oh and guess what?" IT AIN"T 'DONE'..." But I don't want to hammer you anymore. Especially because I think there is real awareness now of your own issues and without letting her off the hook, you can see that SHE ended this and took him off myspace and not b/c you forced her to!! That should be very encouraging to you.

Please also note I see more hope here, b/c it's possible that part of her "motivation" (NOT justification, please, I get that) was to assure herself of her womanliness and attractiveness. MORE important than anything else she wrote/felt, IMHO, is that his affair rocked her world, so her perceptions of who she married and possibly her whole life, got shaken.


Gentlemen, I think you may recognize what I'm about to describe. When my h first drove off for yet more training away from family all so he could then leave for Alaska, without us, knowing this would likely end the M, with me and my 3 kids crying in the driveway, it took the floor out from under me. I was reeling with thoughts like "Who is this man? Isn't he the father of our children and a 'great guy'? OMG, if I'm this wrong about HIM, what else am I wrong about?"

I literally questioned my faith, my values, my worth, and had to really settle down and get a grip to move forward and remember to lean on God, family and supportive friends, find a good c, make the kids the priority, and let that guide me in all my confusion...

SO, who knows? Maybe she had a similar experience. To call it "unsettling" is a gross understatement. I can only imagine the type of pain and shock it must have been for her to learn of your A. And she is still discussing it when she says she is a stupid woman." From her tone she sounds incredibly embarrassed, and ashamed of her behavior. She discusses your A as if it rocked her world and got her to kind of act crazy. FWIW, I did not pick up any part of her saying "H made me do it" but more like feel she was saying, "I lost it when h had an A, and I haven't been the same since..." Her self description of being "a stupid woman" is sad. Really sad, and yes, foggy. Is she seeing a c?

Anyway, you say now you are having "real" talks, so that's great! Just listen to her a whole lot, and please don't forget to have good times together as a family and when you are ready, as a couple, (Sometimes we tend to do R talk so much we get really boring)

Make sure that she knows she can actually have fun with you too, so watch a comedy or take her to dinner and keep the talk light hearted, or see a comedian (support LIVE THEATER) or whatever SHE enjoys doing. Be the guy she fell in love with long ago. You said you've been a selfish h, so do some 180's. What does SHE like to do? Is there a place she's always wanted to go but you never got around to taking her? An activity she always wanted to do (sky diving? dance lessons? pottery? whatever) but with 4 kids, could not do.?? Figure it out. Are you anywhere near discussing some things to do, in the future? No pressure, but hope...goals...

And as for SD, oh...God that breaks my heart. The only parent she knows won't leave her is her mom. No wonder she's clinging. Teach her that you will always, no matter what, be there for HER. You are always going to be part of her family and she will always be part of yours. Please, this isn't just for the sd either.

Seriously. I'd ask and ask for time with her (as long as w doesn't feel threatened) so that sd knows she is wanted. Discuss with w, and if you get a chance, get the book "What About the Kids?"

Female input--- No mother is unmoved by the interaction of a father with her children. It's a turn on. (Not quite foreplay but close...) So when your w sees your concern for your boys AND the girl you've raised for years, it'll touch her. Again, be clear you are not overstepping your "rights" so she won't feel threatened, but do make it obvious to your stepdaughter that you love her as your own.

( j )