So that is my sad story. I don't know the end, but I know I don't want someone with me because I had to beg/plead/cry for that. I think I have surprised him with my strength. He said I am the stonger of the two of us. I don't see I have any choice in the matter.
Jackie
Jackie -- I'm so sorry to hear about the latest turn of events. It does seem as though h is tired, confused, stressed, all those things...sad, too, and (IMHO) not at all sure that this is "the end". Not sure that helps to hear too much...but I do see positives in the honest talk you had with him...his reactions, too.
I wanted to read your entire thread...do you remember the name of the earliest one?
{{{Jackie}}} I'm sending you positive thoughts...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm so sorry. I admire the way you handled it, though, and I'm glad you stepped off of the eggshells and really put your feelings out there.
My W did a lot of crying as she made the decision to leave, also. In her case, I've come to the conclusion that they were "poor, poor me, I have to go through this again" tears, and tears of guilt as well. I hope that isn't the case with your H.
Quote: They told me I was too nice in what money I wanted from him (only covering the mortgage) and that I am leaving him off too easy. I don't want to make him bitter, I want him to not feel like I'm his enemy.
Completely understandable. I had people "advising" me that I should charge my W for the labor I put into getting the house ready to sell, as she didn't make any offer to help, and also that I should go for more than half of the proceeds since I paid the mortgage by myslef for 14 months.
But, even after all of the pain and hurt she has caused me, I cannot, and will not, be an a$$hole.
Just don't let him have his way 100% - be fair, but make sure your are fair to yourself as well.
Quote: The he told me that I am still his best friend.
It always amazes me when they say this (my STBXW has never said it to me, btw, not since she left).
But it's as if they think they can throw away the part of us that they no longer want, but can pick and choose the part of us they wish to keep. Pardon my french, but f*ck that!!! (IMHO, of course).
Hang in there, Jackie. you are a good woman, and don't let the thought of being single scare you too bad (yesh, like I have a right to say THAT!!).
If a divorce is truly in your future, you'll have no problem finding a guy who you deserve.
Oh yeah, many of the tears were those of guilt. It is all or nothing to him, the world is black and white and he feels he has let us all down. I know he is confused and sad, I just don't know if he will ever come to any conclusion about it.
Sage, my first piecing thread was Taking the Plunge and moving to Piecing.
My first ever thread was Does the Pain Stop? Under the id of JackieH, I changed the name to make it a bit harder for H to find me on here, wanted some type of outlet. It was back in November.
I think I'm to the point where I truly believe he needs to make decisions, his statements all contradict each other, I'm not the problem, but he wants a divorce? Just one day at a time, now.
I hear you on being stronger than you thought and what choice do you have now.
I think you are doing great with the honest talking and maybe the distance will let him figure himself out. That is sure what I hope David is doing with his living with his sister.
I don't think with the responses he is making it sounds hopeless. Don't give up, I know easier said than done. But just keep taking care of yourself and be his friend.
{{{{{{{{{{{Jackie}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
This is tough and very painful, but I agree with Sage that you handled yourself beautifully in your talks with H. I think you were right to let him know your feelings, and that you did it well. I also feel that things are far from over, and that there are positives in your conversation.
Hopefully the separation will give H the space he needs to think through things and get a taste of really missing you and the children. Just a couple of ideas - one that you touched on. My H rented a house with a month to month lease, so he wouldn't be tied into a lease for 6 mos. or a year. And something I thought of yesterday, but forgot to write - have you heard of retrovaille? It's a weekend an dfollow up meetings for couples who are having serious relationship issues. It was founded in the Catholic church, but isn't overtly religious in context, and is supposed to be wonderful. Right now is probably not the time to bring this up, but maybe at some point this will be a possibility for you and your H. There is a website - just search using "retrovaille" if you are interested. There are testimonials from couples who went as a last resort before a separation or D, there are some who went "just for the kids," and the results seem incredible. The principles sound similar to DR in that they discuss the stages of marriage (marriage map), common problems in communication, and the fact that M's need constant maintenance. It gave me hope just reading the website. This is something I'm hoping my H will go to, but I haven't brought it up again yet.
Give yourself some time to adjust to this new phase of this journey, and then rewrite your goals. This helped me tremendously when my H moved out. To have something concrete and specific to work on helps me stay focused. It does hurt so much, but I think there will also be a slight sense of relief from the tension and eggshells you have been feeling.
Make some plans for activities for you and the boys. Get together with your supportive friends, have them or their Dad keep the children and have time for just you, plan some new activities for you and the kids, visit family, continue to work on your personal goals. You are wonderful and so strong. This is a different part of the journey, but you can do this.
Hang in there and know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Thanks Pam and Mockers. I was looking at the retrovaille stuff, might ask him about it, printed off some info.
Update (after only 8 hours, more communication than before)
H calls, he said my boss had called him. I told him I had emailed her and told her (also very close friend of family) and I was surprised he had told her about this in Feb. I had never said anything during this time. He said he needed someone to talk to. I told him she had asked if he had anyone and I said I didn't think many people, so she asked if I minded and she would call and offer a friendly ear. I think he is going to take her up on it and I think that will only help him.
He also told me that he thought about what I said about moving into the suite hotel. He is going to do that and we will tell the kids it is because he has so much work to do, this isn't outside the norm in our life. I told him I had only told 3 people about this and we agreed to not tell either set of parents what is going on (his guilt, but I don't want to make him coming home any harder, having to explain to so many people). So I have my small support system, but they are enough.
I mentioned to him I have some book suggestions that he could read to help him think. Anyone have any I can give him. He did say that would be good.
Hang in there. You are doing beautifully during a really painful time. Although your support system is small, I think in some ways it is good not to have too many people know. Often it is so hard for them to see you hurting so, that they aren't as supportive while you stand for your marriage. My own parents know nothing (only my stepmother, who is able to be more objective). My H has told his parents, but they are the only family who know. You also have us here, although I know that's not the same thing. Your family remains in my prayers.
And - you aren't being selfish at all.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
A book that you might want him to read or suggest to him to read is the 5 LL's. In there he could gain some insight as to what this could be. Also there is a chapter headed LOVE IS A CHOICE. Maybe that kind of a thing would be good for him to know. I know that in my sit my W still thinks love is a feeling not a choice. I know better. Becuase I chose to love her even when she was being evil . Anyway that would be my suggestion.
We have done a lot of taking, mostly me, so now he knows all my thoughts and feeleings. I told him I was still optimistic this would work out, he said he was not. He said that he does not feel like the man in the commercial who screams I love this woman in the middle of the courtyard when he gives her a ring. I asked about a few dates in the past year where it felt like this was true, and he said, but this feeling should be everyday. I told him I had thoughts on the subject, but I didn't think I would hold any weight with them and to talk to my boss about it when he speaks to her. I think it goes to the perfectionism, every day should be this high and nothing less is acceptable.
I think I need to shut up now and let him do some thinking. I printed off a list of books with amazon reviews and was going to just give it to him along with some info about retrouvaille and he can do with it what he likes.
There are some ways where I want to keep reaching out and talking to him as we are doing more than ever before and other thoughts where I should just back off. His only brother just had twins, so that was weird when my BIL said your an aunt, and I thought, well, probably not.
H said, are you going to come to hospital tomorrow (2 hour drive), I said do you want me there. And then it was, if you want to come. I told him it was his decision, I would be very happy to go. He said, it would give us time to be together if we go.
Quote: He said, it would give us time to be together if we go.
If he said that, I think you should go. If he just was positive it was over between you, I don't think he waould have said that.
Quote: . I asked about a few dates in the past year where it felt like this was true, and he said, but this feeling should be everyday.
This is one of the things that frustrate me with the WAS. It is IMPOSSIBLE for that feeling to be everyday, once the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over. The trials and tribulations of everyday life guarantee it. I'm sure my STBXW feels exactly as your H does. They just don't get it.
But, the shame of it is, they enter into this journey looking for a relationship where it IS like that everyday. They will never find it. Isn't it enough to know that even if you only feel it occasionally, that to feel it means it must be there to begin with???
. Anyway that would be my suggestion.