How to deal with OW

[hopefulinEG]

My story is posted here ____ but long story short. My wife and I are separated living in same house but separate rooms. She says it is over with no hope of saving the marriage but we will stay living together for financial reasons and "try" to be friends. I started DBing recently and trying to create good will between us and have done good and bad.

One of the things causing a lot of problems is her "new bestfriend". I am very jealous of her and the time my wife spends with her and feel very uneasy about the relationship and where it could go. I will call her the OW.

The OW is the secretary at our daughters school. I thought it was great since she had a new friend because she had pretty much lost touch with all her old friends and had talked wishing she had some friends. Well I found some emails between her and her "friend" that really made me think they were having an affair. She was telling the OW how sexy she was and when she came over she wanted her to be waiting naked in bed. The OW didn't ever respond in kind to these remarks though so I'm not sure if the sex talk was mutual.

At one point she and the other woman were writing about another person at the school the OW is very good friends with and she asked "if the OW was ever going to tell him about us". And the OW responded that she didn't think so. She wasn't ready for people to know yet. I didn't know how I could think anything different than they were having a relationship. This was also still when we were "trying" not after she said it was definitely over.

The last e-mail was about a ring that she had bought. She had taken off her wedding ring and bought a different one to wear on another finger. They were talking about her getting it inscribed and the OW said she should put her name in it. She said she had already thought of that but that would cause more problems they didn't want to deal with. The OW said to put it in Hebrew and then no one would know. She said that is a great idea and she already e-mailed someone who knew Hebrew to get the spelling. This again totally freaked me out but I knew I could never tell her I read her e-mail.

So during our next fight after she told me she didn't want to try anymore, I told her I knew she was having an affair with the OW. And I quoted the e-mails back to her. She actually explained them so that I believed her that they weren't having an affair. She said that it was really just a friendship but she admitted that it had crossed the line. They were flirting and stuff but that the OW is straight and she was also not at all interested romantically in the OW. She said the e-mail about not telling the friend was just about their friendship because he already thought they were having an affair and didn't want him to make him think it even more. And the ring she was just jerking OW's chain to freak her out. She was very sincere and I believed it. We had also been having very good sex and I figured if she was having an affair she wouldn't want to sleep with me at all. Well I tried to befriend the OW so she would definitely not want to start anything with my wife. I invited her over for Christmas eve with her son and over to play the Wii. I really didn't like her much because what she did with my wife was totally inappropriate but I didn't show it.

When my wife was in the hospital one afternoon I called to say I was on my way and she said to come later because she was going to take a nap and would call when she woke up. When I called 3 hours later to find out why she hadn't called yet the OW was there. I of course thought that was why she had told me not to come and would have kept it hidden from me if I hadn't called. I said to call me when she was gone. The OW heard me say that and asked if I was mad at her. I believe now that she really was taking a nap and the OW just called and she said to come over and she wasn't trying to hide it.

Since then she has been going over to the OW's house a couple nights a week. It bothers me every time she does and most of the time I haven't been good about hiding it and once I told her I hated the OW. Unfortunately she went right over and told the OW that I hate her and now the OW hates me back. I don't really hate the OW, it just that I hate my wife wanting to spend time with her instead of me. The OW says she will never come over to our house if I am there. They are staring a survivor watching group that will rotate houses and the OW asked my wife if she could make me leave when it was her night to host and my wife actually thought I should leave and it was not unfair to ask me to. I said absolutely not. I would not leave my house so she could bring over someone who hates me.

So now I am trying to figure out how to deal with this woman. I don't think my wife and her have done anything. It is kind of funny that the every single time my wife goes over there the OW always has another friend there. Almost like she thinks my wife might try something and she wants a chaperone. But I also think that something could start up with how close they have become and I don't believe that my wife isn't attracted to her.

Because I worry that something may start between them, which I think would destroy and chance of us reconciling I keep throwing it in her face. I know that my behavior is going to destroy our chances just as much as her sleeping with the OW but I have so much trouble controlling it when it comes up. Anytime she mentions her name the anger just comes up so so strong. I asked her to try to give me 1 days notice so I would have time to absorb it and not react and when she has done that it has worked but just as often she tells me she is going tonight and will go in 2 hours or whatever and that is when I react.

Please give me some advise on all this.

~Catherine