S&A, I don't have a lot of time to respond fully but I want to say that before she left today I talked to her concerning her trust issue with me (the not trusting that I won't leave again).
"W, I have been thinking about what you said about trusting me. If we have the passion and show each other the love each day as I am wanting in our marriage, I would have no reason to leave. Why would I ever leave if everything that I desire is right here with you? You need to know that I do love you and I want to be with you but not in an empty relationship."
She questioned, "How will I know if what I am doing good enough?"
I answered, "There are no guarantees about anything in life. Want me because it is something that you want not because it will keep me around."
I felt really confident saying this to her. We hugged and kissed before she had to leave.
S&A I think I will get NMMNG. You are right that my self image is sucking for air right now. My father was in my life (my folks divorced when I was 10 and mom never remarried) and we did do many things together and had a pretty good relationship. I was however raised more by my mom, 2 sisters, gram and aunt. No guys around regularly. I have denied that this could be part of my problem relating with my W. I think I do need to take a look at that book.
S&A I'm sorry I poo-pooed your advice for so long man. My W even said today, "H, you are just so touchy-feely like a woman. You are that way because you were raised by all women." Duh.... I'm a prime candidate for a "nice guy".
It sure does take a long time of looking inward before you really see the truth that lies within.
Cinco,
That's cool dude. It took me several years to really "get" what my fundamental problem was. I continually told myself it was that I wasn't getting enough sex. But that was just a symptom of the real underlying problem. The problem was a fear of life and the outside world.
I'd not had such a gnawing fear until we had a child. That naturally brought out all my wife's maternal instincts. I felt shut out and denied the attention I felt I "needed". Sex. Or so I thought.
However, the truth was more complex. My own parents divorced when I was very young - about 5. Unusually I was brought up by my father. I'll skip over a lot of history, but the long and the short of it is - I never got the kind of maternal, physical love in my formative years that probably a lot of boys take for granted. I was "starved" of it you could say. This might be why I have always been attracted to older women?!? And in some weird way, this "childhood wound" opened up into a kind of inner emptiness when I saw my wife and child together.
I kind of shrunk back to Little Boy all over again - needy, anxious to please the Mother figure, and fearful of pushing myself in the outside world (in a way that I had never even been as a little boy). However, as an adult I translated this "need" into a need for sex. Can you see how unsexy this dynamic was?
So anyway, I've made huge progress since then. Importantly, I've recognised my "childhood wound" and its now healing of its own accord. I now think, act and love like the adult man I am. And my life and marriage is much healthier as a result.
Nice Guys come in all kinds and sizes. I was starved of "maternal love". Cinco, your problem may be that you had too much of that stuff? You became dependent on it, and you've now translated it into wanting it all the time from your wife, so you don't feel complete or confident without it? Maybe your wife (despite her own issues) actually has a point?
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
