It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sandycay]

Hi sandy

You seem to have quite a barn-burner going here. Your casual posting here has been up-ended for a bit while you process this latest twist.

Well before I get swept up in the twist, I just want to say that it is nice to see you on here. I hope that in the interim time since your last posts that things have been going real well and that you have been the recipient of many blessings. I think it is important to remember that life is a lot broader and has a lot going on with it then the micro of the event s that you are diligently working on processing right now.

If you even begin to 'drown' yourself in the micro of this or any episode, then the devil is succeeding at tearing a part of you away from the Lord. We mustn't let it happen.

I don't necessarily wish to do any dissecting of any of this. I am late showing up to the 'parade' anywayze. And anything that I might say would be unsolicited anyway. I focussed on your posts and caught a little of what your responses were. Seems you have good guidance from good people. Not that thatis new around here. That is a blessing in and of itself.

What you were made privvy to was just another in a long series of tests. Tests of your meddle. Stay fastened to the Lord as you do and you will be fine. H needs to do the same.

I will be praying for yuz.

T

You know T I've been trying to figure out if it was Satan or God that put that few minutes of conversation in my ear. If it was God was he trying to show me the way...????? Was it the devil trying to break this thing up? Very confusing

[sandycay]

Brag time- My S won the divisional championship last night for the 200 IM (swimming) and he's a freshman....I broke the dim I've been in and contacted H very excited with the news. He was out to dinner and sounded happy by my tone and said he would call me later. He checked on me a couple of times through out his work day to "see if your all right"

We spoke last night for about an hour or so. I asked him where he thought we where at last night in our relationship. He said, " I think we took 300 steps backwards to the 10 we had made forward. I think we are closer now than we have ever been to not working out. I feel like in three seconds your going to say you've had enough and are done". I didn't discount any of this because frankly it's what I am feeling too.

He did state again that whatever I "thought" I heard wasn't his intention, never was never will be. He wants this family, he wants me, he wants the kids. He stated that he felt relief that I heard the part about "OW" stuff because now it's out in the open. I told him it's been there and I knew and told him and that he denied it. He agreed that was the truth but he didn't want to hurt me anymore, he was tired of hurting me.

He says I deserve a better man than him, he says he doesn't deserve my trust. But he knows he hasn't done anything wrong.

Here's the deal.... my H never lied to me about the A after I found out about it. He hasn't lied about the details of it nothing. So because of that it's hard for me to think he is lying about stuff now. He is not a natural liar. I think you guys Know what I mean.

Anyway, haven't heard from him today as he is in a simulator in St. Louis and he will be headed to TN tomorrow for 10 days.

I am still unsure if I am at the end of my rope. I have time to think about it and make my decision wisely.

He keeps asking "so what are you going to do?" I this time I don't have an answer.

[Silent Chrleader]

Honey, you have that poor man scared to death! Remember, the way you handle your fear will teach him whether he can be completely honest with you or not.

I really think it was just a BS conversation between guys, and it doesn't deserve the currency of your pain!

It sounds to me like he has tried to reassure you, and he hasn't attacked you for listening (thus indicating something to hide). I think it's time to show him you can give him the benefit of the doubt.

Also, remember your H has a lot of guilt inside him to process, and that is not an easy thing for anyone (thus refering to himself as a f'ing p**sy with his friend). He knows he was wrong completely for the affair, but as you have said, it didn't happen in a vacuum.

I don't mean to point fingers or lay blame at all. I am just saying that you don't want to stay in a situation where he is the bad guy and you are the victim. Neither of you will ever be happy that way, and it will completely sabatage your efforts to re-build your M.

I know you love your H and want to trust him, and I know the fear is almost crushing! But, you are strong! And he needs to know that you are determined to get beyond this too, and are willing to take a risk to do so.

JMHO!!!

Take care, my friend!!

[sandycay]

Here is an email that I got today from H, any thoughts:

I'm sorry Honey....I'm sorry that I let our marraige get to a place where it was 18 months ago. I'm sorry that I made the decisions that I made. Mostly, I'm sorry that I let someone else into my heart. I know that's hard for you to read....but it's true....I did. We have both had pieces of us die and others grow over the past year or so. For me....some that should have died a long time ago.....are lingering. I'm not sure if it's because it ended the way it did...and I still feel SOOOO STUPID!!!!!!!......for letting myself become so emotionally involved with someone that was so......whatever...I don't even know the term. But I do hate myself for it sometimes...and that's it. When things get tough for us...my mind spins it like this......this is my fault, because of her, because of what I did. I think sometimes when you get a little crazy...it makes me think....Jesus...I'm right back in it again. That happened a lot in Guam. That trip was a big eye opener for me...for the life that sits ahead of me now. The life that I made ...caused....whatever....and it can be depressing...sometimes...you have to see that. You have to see that, not blame, but responsibility lies squarely on my shoulders for this whole mess. I'm very angry sometimes...for all of it. At myself, at you, and still sometimes at her...and that part is the trouble. Why am I still angry at her? Who the hell knows...the only thing I can wrap my mind around is that she hurt me and even worse....much worse....she made me hurt my family. I did it....but I feel...I dunno ...like she bears some of the fault. Maybe that's a cop out...it's not meant to be.

As for fighting for you....Sandycay...you know I would die for you. And...I'm not suicidal...but I have considered whether or not that would be the best thing for you. Again...I need for you to understand my point...just the point....that all I want is to make sure you and the kids are taken care of. That's it...of course I want you to be happy and the kids....but I want you to be taken care of. If that means that we have to separate...divorce....whatever...I won't stop taking care of you. Until you don't need me anymore.

Now that part was all very difficult to write. VERY!!

So.........I'll go to counseling. I'll take the drugs or what ever so you can keep the dog and he won't bite anymore. But, Sandycay, then you don't have ME anymore..... and neither do I. I just have this doped body and mind until it gives out. What ever....I don't like it...and you know it. But I'll do it if that's what it takes.

Now...go back and read the whole thing again and please try to be objective and please don't pick apart the words I used or anything, just try to understand the intent of the whole thing.

Love,
Your H




I just don't know what to think. Parts of the letter are lovely but it always brings it back to duty and taking care of me. Now I know that's not bad thing but does he mean love in the context. I am looking for the "love" is that what he means when he says that stuff?

[Kim07]

Sandy,

1st, i'd like to congratulate you & your son for a job well done in the 200IM! I'm a swim coach & I know that takes a lot of work & endurance on his part,,not to mention moms' work,

I really feel for you and understand completely what you're going thru. My H is also in the "travel" business with a whole lot of prestige. But my H is at the top of his game right now & thinks hes' God, even tho he denies that he has a big fat head, lol! He is such the narssisist not to mention shallow, but I still love him. The trust for me is no longer there, especially when he is out of town or the country on business. I find things or hear things later that don't make sense & make my mind reel. Been dealing with my sometimes overactive imagination as well, but have set some boundries so i'm no longer the doormat I use to be. Still working on how to be kind to him in the face of his obnoxious lies,,not doing so hot.

I would love to talk to you by e-mail, IM or cell sometime. Not sure if you know Joanie, she lives in WA, but that would be a way to get a hold of me since we can't discuss it here.

Keep up the good work, you are doing a lot better than you think!

Kim

[sandycay]

Kim

I don't know Joanie but I am on the alternate universe. You can find me there. if you need more information about that let me know.

Cool that your a swim coach, thanks for acknowledgement but it's my pleasure to take my kids to do things.

[sandycay]

Crappy Anniversary to Me!!!


LOL it just hit me as I looked down at my sig line that today is the day H left me last year. He's not at home this year either. He's in Knoxville, but I'm pretty sure he's coming home this time. Maybe if Mike could drive down there and 2X4 him for me.. he could get out of his head.. which seems to cause a lot of angst for him and therefore me ;-)

[BobbiJo]

Did you reply to his email? I hope so. I would have thanked him for being open and honest with you. I know my H wrestles with himself almost 24/7, he still can't understand how in December 06 he stayed up all night working on my Christmas present and by May 07 he was sleeping with someone else. He honestly says he doesn't know what happened even though HE did it and not me....

So I am sure your H is very much 'in his head' about this stuff. I wouldn't want him to just 'be there with you' like it kind of sounded in the bottom part. But he was repeating that no matter what decision you make he'd always be there for you, so I think that IS love...

[sandycay]

You know BJ I think most of the S here love us excluding the real asses on here of course. I don't doubt my H love for me and I just don't if it's enough for him. Becauee, I see that it seems like his duty, like doing the right thing, and that would absolve him of his guilt. But that's not working for him. I don't know if it's the love a man should have for his wife in a normal way.... not a obligation or duty way. KWIM

I can never give him the first part of the relationship feeling again. I think that's what he is missing, the endorphine rush of it (that's what he said, not her) well you can't stay on the roller coaster forever, we'd all like to feel like that everyday but I am fine with what I have. Happy me, happy kids, but he's not so happy. It kinda drags you down after awhile after doing all this work. I guess it's just impatience on my part and I need to step back, stop R talk(again), stop temperature checking and be a little dim and hope for the best. That being, he will work it all out in his own mind and stay faithful.

It just seems like it should be so simple. OW turned out to be the w*ore I knew she was and he has lingering feelings from the emotional BS she fed him. It just hurts that isn't gone by now. But it is what it is.

How'd we get here anyway?

Can't we all just move to Eutopia and leave this all behind? But according to human nature as I know it now.... it would happen there too..LOL


Yes, I've responded and as always I validated and praised him for his efforts. It just gets hard to do it sometimes. Where's mine? Oh that sounded selfish. I start feeling like that when it's get to this point but I don't voice it because then I might have a MLC myself!

[BobbiJo]

I feel that "where's mine" all the time! It is sooo human...

My h has said more than once that his head tells him he should stay here but his heart is undecided....well I would like to have the heart part too, thankyouverymuch. I think that is what you mean too? You don't want him to 'honor his commitment' by staying, you want him to stay b/c he wants YOU, right?

Glad you replied to his message and didn't leave him thinking you were walking out the door. I know one thing I did a lot when H was still living here was to do the temperature check thing way too often and get emotional when he wasn't where I wanted him to be. He got really tired of that really fast....Glad you can see that and stop the pattern.