Well, He is moving out. He stopped and got information about an apartment last night.
The evening started with me being pleasant and giving him space, but I knew something was terribly wrong. After putting the kids to bed, he came in and said, oh your working, we'll talk tomorrow. I didn't want to put it off. So we talked and he told me. He then was ready to talk about the whole divorce proceeding--who gets what! I tried to slow him down and say, let's do this as a year thing, consider it as a trial separation and then go from there. He was shocked that I would want to stay in the house and collect alimony. I told him it was 2 years of separation needed for a divorce, so I think he wanted to hurry out the move out process. We talked money for a bit and then I finally told him I had enough to process for one night, I needed to go for a drive and sort things out and possibly stay the night in a hotel. That shocked him, I was rational and calm while he cried a bit.
I don't have many friends here, but I have a very good couple who are my friends and I went there and we talked. They told me I was too nice in what money I wanted from him (only covering the mortgage) and that I am leaving him off too easy. I don't want to make him bitter, I want him to not feel like I'm his enemy.
I got home around midnight and he thanked me for coming home. Around 5:30 I woke and he was awake and we talked for a bit. I asked if all the times he said ILY this past year were bullsh*t, he said no. I didn't feel I had anything to lose, so I told him all my real opinions. I didn't feel that he worked on the M, that when it got hard, he just stopped. That he didn't attempt to make any changes or find solutions to our problems. He is a perfectionist and thinks he can do everything and there is not time in the day for him to get everything accomplished and the stress is overwhelming him. He asked me where I thought I changed and I listed them and he agreed. He asked about his changes, I said any changes were a result of mine, but did he feel he changed. He said he supported my karate and Creative Memories, I told him he had always been supportive, so I don't see where that is a change.
He asked me why I still loved him. I told him a bunch of reasons and said that I never knew the depths of it until this crap hit, but somedays it was harder and I would force myself to think of what I love about him, to rid myself of negativity. My friends also suggested that I go to my parents for a week to a month and remove myself from the equation of his life and see how that works for his misery. Use the 900 for an appartment on a babysitter. I said I was thinking of this to him, and he said, but you aren't the problem! He got angry at this suggestion. He was sobbing ths morning over all this, I was weepy, but tried to continue to be rational.
A suggestion I made was for him to move into a suite hotel for a month instead of making the long term decision of an aparment and see how that goes. He seemed to listen, but took the apartment information to work with him.
We talked about the eggshells a bit and I said how so much of my life the past year was about not pissing him off, getting the kids to behave, but the model of a family that we are working on are our parents and their lives are drastically differnt from ours. He said he wouldn't spend time on his own as he felt guilt about not being with his family, yet he is willing to go the ultimate distance and break up the family. I talked a lot, but I thought I have nothing to lose and I'm tired of being scared to speak my mind. I told him that I was disappointed that we couldn't brainstorm and come up with solutions to our problems.
The he told me that I am still his best friend. So I gave him my theory on why that surprised me. I think we did more talking then than we have the past 10 months.
So that is my sad story. I don't know the end, but I know I don't want someone with me because I had to beg/plead/cry for that. I think I have surprised him with my strength. He said I am the stonger of the two of us. I don't see I have any choice in the matter.
