Quote: At times I would sneak a peak at DR, just read a page to give me strenght. I hit upon one woman's story who said that she had four choices: seperate, divorce, stay married and miserable, or stay married and make herself happy. I wonder if what I've been doing, subconsciously, is just fueling the third option.
it is possible that if we decide that our m will make us misserable that it infact will. I know myself that when I take the stance that I'll just stay and stick it out I am not happy, when I take the stance that I will stay but make myself happy, I tend to see the m in a different light.
Quote: I said I think we gave up working on the M (the exercises we were doing) because it became hard and I'm willing to wait until he wants to work on the M. I also said one of the things the C told us a long time ago was we should do things for ourselves and he doesn't do that--his life is all work or us, no outlets. I left it at that, except to say that s4 and s6 were two very good reasons to keep going.
it's great that you were able to talk with h (how do you think it went?)
you point out that he doesn't do things for himself (no outlets, just work seems a common theme...my h too has little outside of work...well there's football but that's about it unless of course sleep is an outlet?) but you also note in a later paragraph that you don't have much outside of him and the kids either.
something that occurs when piecing r's is that in the begining there seems to be a rush of "effort", r talk, working on it...as time passes those things start to feel like effort...it can be overwhelming and bring on thoughts of "will it take this much effort always?" which can bring an abrubt stop to the work...unless of course we note if any of the work has brought about possitive change that stays until the next push of "working on it" comes along.
Quote: This is the worst I have ever felt about us. I'm discovering that I am pertified of being single, that maybe I do things to seek approval from others and need that approval to keep going. Then I get angry at things that I feel are character flaws. I've been living under this cloud, make daddy happy, don't make him mad, that I've become this shell of me. When I seem to just let go, with friends, etc., I just do something that irritates him. So many times we hear to do things that make us happy, I don't even know what that is. Before it was sharing things with H, doing things together that brought me joy and happiness. With that gone, I don't know where to turn. And I hate that I have turned into such a wishy-washy person. I don't even have a career or job to turn to for self satisifacation. And this is sounding like a pity party. Just rambling, trying to collect my thoughts.
this paragraph sound a bit more like..."this is the worst I've ever felt about me" rather than simply the m itself.
what terrifys you the most about being single?
I hear you on the not having a career or job to turn to for self satisfaction...it's not easy being a caretaker...what I did during my seperation was to create some things for myself...one morning I woke and thought "hey I'd like to join a book club" there wasn't one in my town so I started one...we meet once a month and it makes me feel good about myself. a job or carreer at this point would probably only serve to overwhelm me. what small things can you do that would give you a sense of self? possibilities... join a club or start a club.. join a league bowling or darts (they are typcially one night a week) take a class (for fun or for a future career) assign yourself one night a week that is for you...have h put the kids to bed that night and you go out..go shopping, go to a book store and read, go to a movie, go get a massage...go for a walk, go do whatever you want at first it might be awkward but you may find you enjoy your alone time.
