SSL, when ever they have a lapse and are nice , the next time the spew tends to waaaaaay worse and venemous
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
so the smallest thing could set him off? That next morning, after he was with me and told me there would never be anyone like me, I had to call him about something and he sounded a little dissapointed. I asked how was work and he said so so. He didnt sound like himself. We had no r talk, it was short on my part and I ended the conversation. I later called him back about the truck being in my name and he sounded worse. Then after work, when I spoke to him, he let me have it. He seemed like he was making up something to just scream at me. He would start to give me a reason he was mad then he would say, no thats not it, I just want you to leave me alone, never call me again and hung up. I dont know the reason for his anger, is it a possibility that he was upset with himself after the night before? and when I called him that day (3) times to be exact it set him off? Maybe he was feeling hemmed in again. All I know, is I have never heard my xh scream so lound. Why do they scream? It's like a monster is inside him and he cant control it.
S, Let me try to explain to you what is going on. Your h is on an emotional rollercoaster. When emotions are all over the place, people say and react differently than if they are normal, rational individuals. That's why he's doing some of what he's doing. Haven't you ever had a time when you have been so emotionally upset that you did some unusual things? Well...if you have, multiply that by 50 and that's what is happening to your h.
I wouldn't call or communicate with him unless it's absolutely necessary. Just leave him alone. You can't be friends with him until he's settled down and seeks you out. The more you push, the harder he's going to pull away and trust me, you are going to be the punching bag for all of that spew. Now, do you really want to be the punching bag for his emotional baggage right now? I don't think so.
Keep the focus on you and also, read the mlc threads and the mlc archives. There is a lot of valuable information there that will answer a lot of your questions. The posters did a very good job of describing their situations from long ago. Also, read the current threads as well as you may find some who are at the same place you are and can chat w/you about their experiences.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
is there a chat program you all use somewhere or do you generally just talk here? How is everyone communicating besides in this forum?
Snodderly, you are right, I dont want to be the punching bag. Right now its 3:57 in the morning and I have to work sometime today, but I cant stop thinking about this other woman that is probably in bed sleeping (or whatever) with him right now!!! People are saying she is a drug head. I cant say because I personally dont know her. He is stooping so low. Plus, his friends are upset because of all the lying. I assume lying is a part of this journey. Although my xh always stretched the truth, I think it ran in his genes.
S, If you read the threads that I suggested, you will find a lot of characteristics of the mlcer. Lying is at the top of the list. You've got to stop giving the ow all of your head space. She's not worth it. You are giving her far more credit than she deserves in your h's life.
Focus on something else and when thoughts of her come to mind, turn your focus to the rubber band on your wrist. Snap!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have one more question...for now anyway. I have asked my xh if he is serious with this "girl". When I ask him this he screams at me and says to stop asking him this, and wants to know why I always ask him this with each woman. He says just because they stay over doesnt mean I am serious!!!!!! He says that just means we are (well you get the picture). He doesnt care to tell me. NO RESPECT. He just says I shouldnt ask if I didnt want to know. Is he right?
Thats why it says NO R talks...you are prob get an answer you dont like.
now think about this,,,,isnt he acting like a rebelious snot nosed teenager....dont fall into the "mom" pattern. He wants it all his way ...doesnt want to be accountable for anyone.
and you dont need to be treated this way, remove your self from the line of fire. Go dark or dim. Let him see the life he has chosen that doesnt have you in it.
sweets they lie, they cheat they spend...
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
S, We always emphasize the no relationship talk conversations and that includes the ow. You will never get a right answer from him and most likely the answers will hurt you more than you ever imagined. It's important to keep your conversations on business and or child related questions and not on the relationship.
In your h's eyes, you are the authority figure (MOM). He doesn't want that right now because he's slipped back into the teenager who was emotionally stunted a long time ago. He wants to someone who is fun, no responsibility and will not question his every word or move. Right now, you are MOM. Right now, you are a reminder of the life he's running from. What do you do? Leave him alone...live your life and allow him to come to you.
Read the MLC Resource Threads and the Archived MLC Threads. Educate yourself on mlc and depression. This information will help you better understand why you cannot talk about the relationship, the ow. Those threads will enlighten you in ways you never knew because your h is a case book example of mlc and running away from reality.
BTW, N2M has told you exactly what is going on.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
a new 2maro and snodderly, I am blown away by what you said, it makes so much sense because once I was speaking to him and accidently said something like, "listen son", not even realizing what I said. My xh came up of the sofa and screamed "dont call me son", "I am not your son". I totally believe what you guys are talking about, it makes it soooo much clearer for me now. I have been questioning if this is MLC, I truly think it is. Do you all think so?
Also, this morning I spoke to my xh about our heat that went out in the house. He said he was tired of the drama and ow talks and just wanted to get along basically. I agreed, he said he understood why I get mad, but he was sooo tired of it. He started talking about a friend of ours that left his wife and 3 kids for ow. I told him he had no right to say anything, and he said, yes I do, I didnt leave you with 3 kids. (no he left me with one rebellious teenager, that I love very much). He talks like since there are no young kids involved, that he did nothing wrong. He has said this several times to me. I also told him that no he didnt leave me for a "woman", he left me for "women". and he said yep that he was not in love, he was in "LUST". One of those things I could have went without hearing if I would of just left it alone. BUT, I continued by saying that I thought he was satisfied at home (if you know what I mean) and he said he was but he wanted to try something new. Sometimes if I let my xh just talk, he will tell me things without me even asking him. It's like he needs someone to explain things to. He is ashame to talk to his buddies. (they are all married and dont understand), so he talks to me, he tells me not to ask if I dont wanna know, but he doesnt realize how much he confides in me about this craziness. Does this sound familiar?
I also wanted to add that I thought the no R talks meant only about us, I didnt know it included the ow. I will definately tr and change this.
