So I have been looking under rocks. And at the GYM lifting weights until sweat dripped down my face. Looking at websites for how to rock your man In the bedroom. I polished my nails. Made myself crazy. Looked crazy. Did not value my values anymore hoping that would wake him up? Kept trying to be prettier. If I am an expert at this BJ~ for sure , this will work. Let him walk all over me and then offered myself up again whenever he felt like it. Laid myself at his feet in hopes he would change. Bought jeans to accentuate my booty. Cried and pleaded my case. Told him how much I loved him. Cooked like a pro. Loved him too much, allowed bad behavior. Criticized him , surely if I point out his flaws he will miraculously change. If I worry enough about him he will be happy. Stop being me, pretend and lie to myself that this is all ok and I am happy. Withdraw and lose myself more. I could have put a wreath of flowers on my head and a beautiful long flowing dress and thrown myself in the Volcano?????
None of this worked.
Oh yeah and I read so may books? I have highlighted so may passages. I was smarter and more enlightened.
But~ I was looking for something that was in me all along. And sure it sounds like a great Music Video. But it is really what I did.
I now know that I can not give myself up in hopes of getting my hubby. I have to let him go in hopes of getting myself. I have to not sell myself out. I have to LOVE me, as silly as it sounds. I have to do this for me. I am not give up my integrity anymore. I have just done this recently. I am still a work in progress, but I have not felt peace like this in ages.
I selflessly gave of myself in order to save my M . But the ingredient that helped save it? Once it was saved I forgot about it. It eluded me. And so I was on the search , trying to find it.
It was me being me, and being true to myself and my INTEGRITY. It forced me to be more honest and humble with myself than I had been in a long time. I look back and read my old posts and I love that Woman , that Woman is me.
I am thankful to you all for listening to my story and for being there for me.
It is like if I looked at the sky and just realized . MY God it is blue.
I can finally see. I know I will not go back. I have suffered long enough. I am going to enjoy my H. Not try to, or work at. I am going to enjoy him He is welcome to come play with me. If he doesnt want to play fair then I will keep my integrity and he will have to figure it out. I am not waiting for any right moment to live ... that moment is honestly now.
I will keep posting my random thoughts. I am in the midst of transforming myself. And finding the me that has always been here. Not in hopes hubby will love me, he always did. I didn't love myself enough to ever really put myself first. On the surface I did. But deep down I was never good enough. I get it now, I really do.
