Thanks for the support. The weekend was so grueling as it kept us near each other and both in misery, the thoughts never stopped flowing and the stop sign just wasn't working.
At times I would sneak a peak at DR, just read a page to give me strenght. I hit upon one woman's story who said that she had four choices: seperate, divorce, stay married and miserable, or stay married and make herself happy. I wonder if what I've been doing, subconsciously, is just fueling the third option.
S4 came into bed at 3:30 and there was no H. I found him in the guest room and asked what was wrong. He said toss and turn--didn't want to wake me. So I borrowed some of DR and what I thought about and told him that I thought the glimpse of happiness I've seen the past year give me hope, but I also thought that he is going through a soul searching/rest of my life time and wasn't prepared at this time to work on the M. I gave breaks in my talk, hoping he would join in, but he said I should just keep talking, I was doing a good job. I said I think we gave up working on the M (the exercises we were doing) because it became hard and I'm willing to wait until he wants to work on the M. I also said one of the things the C told us a long time ago was we should do things for ourselves and he doesn't do that--his life is all work or us, no outlets. I left it at that, except to say that s4 and s6 were two very good reasons to keep going.
This is the worst I have ever felt about us. I'm discovering that I am pertified of being single, that maybe I do things to seek approval from others and need that approval to keep going. Then I get angry at things that I feel are character flaws. I've been living under this cloud, make daddy happy, don't make him mad, that I've become this shell of me. When I seem to just let go, with friends, etc., I just do something that irritates him. So many times we hear to do things that make us happy, I don't even know what that is. Before it was sharing things with H, doing things together that brought me joy and happiness. With that gone, I don't know where to turn. And I hate that I have turned into such a wishy-washy person. I don't even have a career or job to turn to for self satisifacation. And this is sounding like a pity party. Just rambling, trying to collect my thoughts.
I will do my best to be pleasant and happy. I will no longer wallow in misery, but seek opportunities to learn what I can do. We do it because it is hard.
