I have never felt this badly or had this little hope that things will work out.
We have had good moments over the past ten months, yet I still wonder. Am I better mother when I'm not terrified how he will react when he gets home. It is a cloud hanging over my head.
He told me that the decision to divorce is on the front burner now. He stares at me with hate and barely speaks. What a horrible weekend, I dread every minute as the day passes. I can't eat or sleep. His words seemed burned in my head--I'll never love you again like I did when we met. Those feelings are gone. We've tried for a year now, it is hopeless and I don't want the second half of my life to be spent like this. But he worries about the kids. I know that is the only reason he is here. He is miserable, I'm miserable and the kids are starting to feel the brunt of it.
This is what I'm planning to say to him, what do you think?
I think the past year has shown that we are capable of having good times together. When I took my marriage vows and more importantly had kids, I made a commitment to provide a two parent family. I understand that you are confused and unsure of us and this marriage. If you decide to leave, that is your decision and I will not fight you or beg you to stay. My choice is to work on the marriage and stay and try to learn the secrets to fixing it. I will not give up, but I will be as understanding as possible if you do.
What do you think? I go back and forth on this decision. I think I have resented him for not trying to work on the marriage or change his behaviors and maybe this has come through even though I thought it hadn't. Maybe I've been expecting certain behaviors and not understanding enough of the pain and confusion that is in his heart. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to be ignored the rest of my life. I'm tired of being unsure and meek. I'm tired of not knowing what my purpose in life is. And I'm scared of failure and spending the rest of my life alone.
