Climbing out of the swamp

[25yearsmlc]

I'm angry.

depression is anger turned inward. Depression fueled by drink. It not only supressed our anger, but it supressed our view of the reality about us. Like taking a pain pill rather than seeing the doctor.
And when you are depressed, the blame is all internal.

I agree

That is where you have been, as I was (and am to a degree).

In my case, the next step was hate. I realize now it was not hate at all, just added anger. But the added anger allowed me to focus not only on me, but on her and the environment around me. That was a major step. I remember when folks here, including you told me to lose the anger. But I am glad I did not

Then you were told, or chose to do, the opposite of what the DB coaches saidto me OR, you did not show it to her. My DB coach was adamant about "Losing the anger in front of the WAS" or you'll fuel their reasons/rationalizations for leaving (ie 'she's a bitch and I was right to leave, she just proved it, blah blah blah)...for ME, losing the anger in front of h enabled us to converse...and later, helped me get a life b/c it was consuming me. Somehow, maybe, we are playing with semantics here...

. The added anger was a signal to also look at her, look for the first time. My perfect, loving W was not the perfect person after all. And use that info to help me fix what I need to fix in me.

Interesting...


Like the horror story where Dorian Gray's portrait changes for the worst yet he appears the same, I was forced to look at my W's portrait and it was hard to look at. It still is; I still turn away. Of all the things left to do, the hardest for me is to accept, really accept, that my former soulmate did what she did and how a loving person and mother would break up a family. How her portrait showed me that if the clock were turned back that I should have not seeked her out, even as a friend.

But she too is human. This also told me that if we ever did get back together, what I would need to accept and forgive in her and myself to make a R work.

I still do not have my arms around this.

Yes this is HARD. How could H be the man I thought he was, and also be really selfish? and deceitful and be "him"? I struggled with that a long time and sometimes still do. One note, suppose h is a selfish person at times. Or in general even. Does that fault of his MANDATE that I divorce him? I dont' think so. His career, fighter pilots like my brother, surgeons, trial lawyers, often have an air of cockiness that you WANT in their professions, and can also be self centered too...so, is it a flaw or a trait? And what do we do with it?

The anger helped me work through this to the point where the anger is almost gone and acceptance is within reach. If you are angry frank, it only means you have emotional work to do. Yes, you "get it" logically as I did, but the anger you feel tells you that you don't get it emotionally yet.

From your C's discussions, I believe that you will turn that corner. The anger is the signal to do something and to look at the whole picture objectively.


Amen


As men, we have work to do to work on us. But rather than react to our anger with depression or aggression (we have never spoken but from your words I doubt that is a problem for you), we take skillful charge of the situation.


Don't know what that means, I'm not a man. It's too manly for me...

After my "hate" period when my anger peaked, I finally began to see things in a different light. I learned to set and enforce boundaries. I cannot emphasize how important that is.

healthy Boundaries clearly expressed...mandatory.

I am also now learning that her portrait on the wall is not the whole story either. The more I accept, the better I feel. Acceptance leads to compassion and compassion to forgivensss.

I still have work to do, as you can see.

Beautiful. Yes.


I warn you, it takes time to process these emotions. To see the reality around you clearly. To see the real portrait behind the people. To see that you are not the total blame and that you can reject being a doormat for others or a co-dependent.

Expect the backslides, especially when W moves back in.

You took a new road frank. Anger is telling you that you have work to do.

And you will do it. You will do fine.

Okay, I think I get it. But if someone hasn't ever really "expressed anger" before, (whatever that means and I still say it got expressed, just not in a healthy way), I hate the idea of springing on w now, at this time. It's dicey. I wish I knew Frank had the tools to know healthy ways of expressing anger and when it's well targeted. And what about the girls?

Strength and Honor.

Okay