He was in horrible moods the past days, we went to a football game and he kept repeating to s4, you and me, just the two of us, we'll come back. He wouldn't look at me, hold my hand, nothing. I never asked what is wrong, and have been following my plan.
He hugged his side of the bed last night and this morning we talked a bit. He said he didn't know where to go from here, we have tried for almost a year and it isn't any better. He said the weight he has lost isn't because he is working so much, it is because out situation is weighing on his mind. We talked rationally and I told him my fears about D on the kids but that I don't want to be in limbo, either. He said he has lived half his life and doesn't want to spend the second half living like this. He looks at a friend who is divorced and all the great quality time that he gets to spend with his son and the time the ex-wife spends with the child and he envisions that too.
He said he will not go back to a MC and said he is overwhelmed at the possiblity of all that will have to be done for us to separate. He has only stayed because of the kids and that he doesn't love me. I told him my love for him on some days is stonger than others, but it is always there. When I said ILY he said if I say it do I have to mean it? I said yes and said, well I can't say it. He says that making love is not an emotional thing, it is just a physical thing for men, I am just a body.
Okay, so we believe their actions, not words, but it has been 10 months. So I know now those few ILYs were sympathy ones, not real. Am I just hoping against hope? Am I doing the right thing for the kids when we are both more on edge because of the tension in the house? I am easier to be around when I'm not searching for his approval all the time, which is not coming. Would I be a happier person without him? And if I'm ever going to really get him back, must I let him go and see if he finds the happiness he is searching for that I'm not providing? Am I just saving a M because I don't want to be divorced and alone? I feel like I have more questions and doubts than I have ever had and I don't know if they will get resolved. I feel that maybe I'm just being a wimp and holding off the inevitable.
Am I just searching for signs of things are turning around and being like a dog thrown scraps every so often. This is my life, not a dress rehersal, and I'm questioning everything and unsure of it all. How can I love someone who has no feelings for me, who thinks I'm just a body, who is so many ways despises me.
I'm afraid a trial separation would mean the end of us, yet, maybe it would bring about the right conclusion to our problems in a speedier fashion.
I'm more confused than I was at the begining. Any advice/thoughts appreciated.
