I recently read a book that clarified what "happened" to me, as if it was written about me. A few snippets which I hope will help to give you the strength to end the limbo are below:
-A woman's tendency to judge a man's behavior causes her to always be standing just a little bit outside of the relationship. Although women believe themselves to be naturally committed, they're actually naturally inclined to judge and assess men's behavior to determine men's level of commitment to them.
-The mindset of a partially committed person is "I hope" or "I'll try." The mindset of a fully committed person is "I will."
-After you've given up your option to live in limbo, then you will be able to decide what to do regarding your marriage. The moment we accept our fate, regardless of what it is, we can begin to heal. Marriage is not about holding the other person hostage or responsible for our happiness. Great relationships serve to inspire, help and support each partner in discovering and following their passions and in fulfilling both an individual and a shared purpose.
S&A is so spot on. My B&N didn't have NMMNG in stock, so I ordered it online and then read the website (nomoremrniceguy.com) and also lurked on their boards. It is amazing. My husband is SUCH the "nice guy" and is reading the book and is still resisting accepting the fact. Good God.
The example S&A gave about the approach to initiating? I think I'd faint if my husband ever found his raw sexuality and found the bravery to say that. It is awesome. Of course, it's all in the delivery, too. And, your wife has to have a basic attraction for you. So many factors at play, no wonder it's scary for men.
Ali: I assume what you wrote is in Passionate Marriage. The part about backing down and settling just reinforces that it's OK for them not to try... BAM! That is good. And, that's why this has to be my last time I approach this, do or die.
I recently read a book that clarified what "happened" to me, as if it was written about me. A few snippets which I hope will help to give you the strength to end the limbo are below:
-A woman's tendency to judge a man's behavior causes her to always be standing just a little bit outside of the relationship. Although women believe themselves to be naturally committed, they're actually naturally inclined to judge and assess men's behavior to determine men's level of commitment to them.
-The mindset of a partially committed person is "I hope" or "I'll try." The mindset of a fully committed person is "I will."
-After you've given up your option to live in limbo, then you will be able to decide what to do regarding your marriage. The moment we accept our fate, regardless of what it is, we can begin to heal. Marriage is not about holding the other person hostage or responsible for our happiness. Great relationships serve to inspire, help and support each partner in discovering and following their passions and in fulfilling both an individual and a shared purpose.
Ali: I assume what you wrote is in Passionate Marriage. The part about backing down and settling just reinforces that it's OK for them not to try... BAM! That is good. And, that's why this has to be my last time I approach this, do or die.
yes PM. I think you are going to love this book. I do. Yes it is a hard read but you are Italian you can handle it. I still have to work on me being a sexual diva again. Any books on that????
But this book is genuis. See , you already got that? Bam~ You are ready for change. Keep your heart open Lucky. You are going to be just fine. You are one smart cookie~!~ Xoxo, Ali
Wow! Sorry to hijack, Cinco, but had to say something.
I've only lurked a bit in this forum and just stopped by Cinco's thread after he posted on soulm8's thread. I had no idea of the discussions going on here, but reading these last few pages is like an amazing revelation to me. Between S&A's post, NNMNG site, and Women's Infidelity site, I feel like the problems that led to the end of my marriage have been described in stark detail. I can now see how the DB actions I chose, like validating, only highlighted the worst of my nice guy tendencies. And her lack of sexual initiation or interest, followed by an A, underscores how long the problem had existed. She's now in relationship #2 - another nice guy - but I wonder for how long
Thanks everyone for your insight and experience. I may not have saved my marriage but I sure can be more intelligent about my next relationship.
S&A is so spot on. My B&N didn't have NMMNG in stock, so I ordered it online and then read the website (nomoremrniceguy.com) and also lurked on their boards. It is amazing. My husband is SUCH the "nice guy" and is reading the book and is still resisting accepting the fact. Good God.
The example S&A gave about the approach to initiating? I think I'd faint if my husband ever found his raw sexuality and found the bravery to say that. It is awesome. Of course, it's all in the delivery, too. And, your wife has to have a basic attraction for you. So many factors at play, no wonder it's scary for men.
Ali: I assume what you wrote is in Passionate Marriage. The part about backing down and settling just reinforces that it's OK for them not to try... BAM! That is good. And, that's why this has to be my last time I approach this, do or die.
Cheers to Cinco finding his inner "bad guy"!!!
Lucky,
Its going to be difficult for your husband to accept that large parts of what he was taught, believed, and lived all his life, have disempowered him by disconnecting him from his masculine core and energy. Be supportive - show him the website, but remember its his life, and his choice. Only he can decide whether or not he wants to get in touch with his inner "bad guy".
You also might want to get The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida (which I read first, but should probably be read second). NMMNG strips away all "Nice Guy" behaviours, whereas Deida shows how to grow into a spiritually strong and truly loving man. Its kind of a weedkiller + fertilister thing.
And yes, you are right, it is all in the delivery (which depends on one's own confidence and mood etc), but I said something very similar to my wife recently, and... .
This is still fairly new territory for me, but even so, I simply don't see myself ever going back to my old style of "initiating". I think its all about the right combo of seduction and directness (Thanks again, DanceQueen).
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
