Thanks Mockers. Good ideas. I think I am going to try for a week my very best to follow through on this. I am very thick skulled--I do grill, I don't mean to, but I was doing it again last night. H was in an odd mood, cold and distant and also tired. But I wanted to know why. He didn't want to talk about it. So I asked questions in many different ways to try and get to the point, is it me? How thick skulled can one be? Just let it rest! If it is me, will knowing this allow me to do anything about it anyway? No. Just will make me fret more.
So the goal is to let him come home, on days without soccer to have a decent dinner getting ready. To ask a question in a postive way: Did you have a good day? (not you look tired, what's wrong) and to act happy even if I want to kill the kids. To be a sunny, upbeat person to come home to. Even if the kids were hellions, to laugh about it.
Can we really teach an old dog a new trick?
Diet going well, only 52 more pounds to go! But I will be skinnier and fitter than OW at the xmas party!
You sound really good. One thing that has helped me in other areas of my life (like trying to keep the house clean) is to use the baby step principle in those areas too. I tend to try and take on too much, burn out and quit.
As far as teaching an old dog new tricks...I think it is definitely possible, but it's hard to change behavior patterns for sure. You are already so good at recognizing the pattern starting. It's the stopping it that seems the toughest sometimes. One thing that helped me was to come up with an image in my mind to use when I see myself going down a cheeseless tunnel. The times I'm able to recognize that it's happening, I pull that image up and use it to destract myself long enough to change course and do something different. Taking slow, deep breaths, saying a prayer and counting to ten have also helped, although it takes work every day.
Congratulations on the diet success and your fitness goals. You should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you!
Your ideas for greeting your H and showing him someone upbeat sound terrific. I think I remember in one of your posts you or someone mentioning trying to make home a safe and comforting place for your H. This sounds good too.
Keep up the good work. This is a hard road, but you are doing a great job. Thanks again for your posts on my thread. I appreciate them very much.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Quoting jackie: So the goal is to let him come home, on days without soccer to have a decent dinner getting ready. To ask a question in a postive way: Did you have a good day? (not you look tired, what's wrong) and to act happy even if I want to kill the kids. To be a sunny, upbeat person to come home to. Even if the kids were hellions, to laugh about it.
Sounds like a "plan". You may want to consider mentioning a highlight or two in your day or about the kids. Then pause a bit to see if he opens freely, if not, casually mention how you would like to hear about his day or what happened at work today.
After a while it has become a ritual around our dinner table to tell of daily anecdotes, that even D10 looks forward to hearing the stories.
You sound just like me when I get something in my head and can't seem to let go of it!
Definitely going to watch here and see how you handle this trait change. I'm sure you will and give me a lead to follow!
I think your plan sounds really good, very positive outlook.
Yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks! I speak from experience having trained several of my older dogs to advance levels of competition!! So go do it!
Gee, no way I could ever be skinnier than OW. She is one of these tiny boned people. Who is really skinny now that she lost weight last year. But great news on your goal!! I guess the Body for Life is going well then? Can you see some muscle definition yet? Just curious if you have been doing it long enough to tell a difference.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi, Jackie..have not been around for awhile..sorry about the steps backwards, but with all this great advice, I think you have a plan..I know exactly what you mean about him coming home..my h used to walk in the door and I just started talking away...he wanted to unwind..let your h relax a little before asking him anything.I also know about phone calls and leaving the room, when h ff called, he usually left the room...and of course that puts doubts in anyones minds... Keep taking care of yourself..it really does work to make yourself a s happy as you can..and great job on the weight loss..it is a struggle, but you can do it.
He was in horrible moods the past days, we went to a football game and he kept repeating to s4, you and me, just the two of us, we'll come back. He wouldn't look at me, hold my hand, nothing. I never asked what is wrong, and have been following my plan.
He hugged his side of the bed last night and this morning we talked a bit. He said he didn't know where to go from here, we have tried for almost a year and it isn't any better. He said the weight he has lost isn't because he is working so much, it is because out situation is weighing on his mind. We talked rationally and I told him my fears about D on the kids but that I don't want to be in limbo, either. He said he has lived half his life and doesn't want to spend the second half living like this. He looks at a friend who is divorced and all the great quality time that he gets to spend with his son and the time the ex-wife spends with the child and he envisions that too.
He said he will not go back to a MC and said he is overwhelmed at the possiblity of all that will have to be done for us to separate. He has only stayed because of the kids and that he doesn't love me. I told him my love for him on some days is stonger than others, but it is always there. When I said ILY he said if I say it do I have to mean it? I said yes and said, well I can't say it. He says that making love is not an emotional thing, it is just a physical thing for men, I am just a body.
Okay, so we believe their actions, not words, but it has been 10 months. So I know now those few ILYs were sympathy ones, not real. Am I just hoping against hope? Am I doing the right thing for the kids when we are both more on edge because of the tension in the house? I am easier to be around when I'm not searching for his approval all the time, which is not coming. Would I be a happier person without him? And if I'm ever going to really get him back, must I let him go and see if he finds the happiness he is searching for that I'm not providing? Am I just saving a M because I don't want to be divorced and alone? I feel like I have more questions and doubts than I have ever had and I don't know if they will get resolved. I feel that maybe I'm just being a wimp and holding off the inevitable.
Am I just searching for signs of things are turning around and being like a dog thrown scraps every so often. This is my life, not a dress rehersal, and I'm questioning everything and unsure of it all. How can I love someone who has no feelings for me, who thinks I'm just a body, who is so many ways despises me.
I'm afraid a trial separation would mean the end of us, yet, maybe it would bring about the right conclusion to our problems in a speedier fashion.
I'm more confused than I was at the begining. Any advice/thoughts appreciated.
I am so sorry to hear that things have turned downward.
I am not a good one to give advice about this stuff, as I have no idea what it takes to save a marriage.
But I will give advice when I think I have some to give.
Quote: I'm afraid a trial separation would mean the end of us, yet, maybe it would bring about the right conclusion to our problems in a speedier fashion.
I think the chances of saving a marriage erode significantly once the parties separate. I think that I should have tried harder to get my STBXW to stick it out at home instead of so easily letting her go. I too, thought maybe it would help us. All it did was show her how much happier she was once she was gone.
I think a separation decision (on you rpart anyway) should only be made as a last resort.
Jackie, I know how you are feeling. I was there. Hang in there, and know that I'm thinking of you.
I have never felt this badly or had this little hope that things will work out.
We have had good moments over the past ten months, yet I still wonder. Am I better mother when I'm not terrified how he will react when he gets home. It is a cloud hanging over my head.
He told me that the decision to divorce is on the front burner now. He stares at me with hate and barely speaks. What a horrible weekend, I dread every minute as the day passes. I can't eat or sleep. His words seemed burned in my head--I'll never love you again like I did when we met. Those feelings are gone. We've tried for a year now, it is hopeless and I don't want the second half of my life to be spent like this. But he worries about the kids. I know that is the only reason he is here. He is miserable, I'm miserable and the kids are starting to feel the brunt of it.
This is what I'm planning to say to him, what do you think?
I think the past year has shown that we are capable of having good times together. When I took my marriage vows and more importantly had kids, I made a commitment to provide a two parent family. I understand that you are confused and unsure of us and this marriage. If you decide to leave, that is your decision and I will not fight you or beg you to stay. My choice is to work on the marriage and stay and try to learn the secrets to fixing it. I will not give up, but I will be as understanding as possible if you do.
What do you think? I go back and forth on this decision. I think I have resented him for not trying to work on the marriage or change his behaviors and maybe this has come through even though I thought it hadn't. Maybe I've been expecting certain behaviors and not understanding enough of the pain and confusion that is in his heart. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to be ignored the rest of my life. I'm tired of being unsure and meek. I'm tired of not knowing what my purpose in life is. And I'm scared of failure and spending the rest of my life alone.
I wish I knew something to say to help you right now.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jackie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I don't know that when you are this emotional it is the best time to try to communicate something like this to your H.
But it actually I think sounds pretty good. Not accusing him for giving up, not hateful and not begging.
But I am terrible at this sort of thing. I sure hope someone with a clear head is around this weekend.
I certainly understand what you are feeling right now. I think all of us go through some of that at times in this process. But you really have hit a rough patch now.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
But sympathy and a hug.