I feel like we are right back down the rabbit hole again.
It is so much like last fall, the pit in my stomach returned last night and I'm truly afraid we may not make it. He worked 87 hours last week and all his emotions are tied up with work. I have done my very best to keep a postivie attitude and do the home chores without complaint or sarcasm (must be nice to come home to a clean house, clean laundry, food in the fridge, etc.). Maybe if I got some type of thank you, however it is not forthcoming. Last night we were at the computer and the cell phone rings. Not unusual, but this time it is a woman's voice and though he has many woman working with him, if it is business, he'll stay in the room and talk. He goes and leaves and goes to a differnt part of the house, talking, joking, just joy in his voice. It all comes back, maybe the OW was just on hiatus.
We talked a little last night, I told him I feel alone and unimportant. I miss hearing him say ILY. He told me a bunch of things, but wouldn't say ILY. I asked him about it and he said that he just doesn't feel that way much of the time, work gets in the way, he feels I grill him about work and I'm not sincere in asking about his day, just doing it to go through the motions. His day is such a big part of him, I know I feel left out when he won't talk, but based on the comments I get here, i thought I had been axing the grilling part, guess not enough.
I feel like I am competing with someone he interacts with at work that is not bogged down with all the chores/responsibilites of a family. I have so many doubts, do I want a marriage where my H only feels love for me every blue moon? When I call him I get coldness, yet someone from work can call and they get joy? I thought I had made changes in my attitude, being pleasant at home, not complaining about the long hours during this latest crisis, but I'm not sure it is enough and after 10 months I don't know if I have the energy to compete with an unkonwn.
