"I am waiting for now... I have already written an ultimatum letter and not given it to her yet. It is really not an ultimatum as much as it is a request for her to release me. If she can't truly love me and show me in a way that I feel is real and true then she must let me go."
Two questions:
(1) What's the point of the ultimatum letter? Why have you not given it to her? What are you waiting for? Your indecision as to what you want and are prepared to do to get it - actually undermines your chances of getting it.
(2) What do you mean by "she must let me go"?!? Cinco, I've mentioned the Superior Man and No More Mr Nice Guy books to you before - and you don't seem to think they're that relevant. They are very relevant to probably every man in your kind of struggle. The short point I want to make is that your mindset (which dictates your vibes and your actions - which your wife definitely picks up on) is all wrong. Your wife (no matter how much you think you love her) simply does not have the power to "hold" you in this marriage or "let you go" - only you do. This is absolutely fundamental to you and every man. Your constant theme seems to be that she has some kind of power or hold over you. She doesn't. Your whole approach and vibe towards her has to be "I have something I want to give to you - if you don't want it - that's your loss." Your current vibe appears to be that the loss is all on your side.
Then there's your last post:
"...There is a TV in there too and of course as soon as she gets in there to go to bed it is turned 'on'. The way it is set up her back is to me in bed to face the TV. If I had it my way, there would be no TV in there at all. This is something that she thinks helps her to go to sleep. Anyway by the time I wanted to relate my feelings to her she was all glued in on the damn TV."
Oh dear - I'm not even going to get into the "How the hell did a TV end up in your bedroom?" thing. Cinco, just from this one post its obvious to me that your wife is very disconnected and in avoidance mode.
"Her reaction was that I wanted to R-talk. She got all pissy and her defenses were immediately up. "Oh not this again, haven't we talked this to death enough lately?""
Well, perhaps you spend too much time analysing the relationship and not enough time being totally present in it? Too much time dwelling on the lack of sex and affection, and not enough time initiating it in a confident and full-blooded way?
"Her reaction set me off, I hate it when I let even her tone determine how I will interact with and what I end up saying to her. She turned off the TV all pissed off and said "Ok what do you want to talk about you have my attention now." This put us in complete darkness (appropriate I guess, we're still in the dark about one another)."
The short answer is that you determine your tone and speech - not her - start practising saying what you want, when and how, regardless of the external circumstances. I used to allow my wife to "set me off" and then blame her for it - I look back and cringe. (This again is something "Nice Guys" have a real problem with).
""Why am I the least important thing in your life? It seems like you'd rather watch that thing than to hear me tell you something intimate. How can we communicate and get close to each other if we don't set aside time for each other? I am the last thing you think of at the end of the day and then you are too tired for me." I said more things I can't remember it all. Things about how it hurts me to be so low on her list of priorities. Also about how I end up turning my back on her when I can't find a way to reach her and how much that hurts us both."
Sorry, Cinco - but I'm going to have to be really blunt here - that was whiny and wimpy. The problem you have is that you want a more intimate and sexual relationship with your wife. In order to do that you need to really assert that on her. All I see in what you said to her is complaints. Complaints shut a woman down. Assertion (in a clear but loving vibe) opens a woman up - mentally and then physically. Just as an example, you could have said: "Wife, its been a long time since we ML - I'm literally overflowing with juices - and I want to fill you up, right now. Tomorrow night is the night." Assertive tone, loving, giving, gives her a whole day to ready herself - and no opportunity to make excuses.
"Finally we got to the heart of the matter I asked if there was something that was holding her back from really getting close to me. "Trust holds me back. H, I don't trust that you won't leave me again.""
This I think is just an excuse - how many more years is she going to want to wait - before that satisfies her definition of "trust"?!? But Cinco, you too are waiting, hovering around her outer defences in the vague (and vain) hope that they will drop all of their own accord. You need to stop waiting for some miracle and start penetrating through her crap, rather than just tolerating it. You could have said: "Real marriage isn't about guarantees and contracts and leases, Baby. Its about showing your best effort and love - frequently, day after day. That's the kind of marriage I want. If you join me in making that kind of marriage, there's no reason I would ever leave you, or even want to. If you expect me to stay no matter how little effort and love you show, if you expect me to put up with your current apathy and laziness, then there's every chance I will leave."
"H - "Well, if we can keep the dialog going between us and learn how not to be so defensive about it maybe we can find a way to be close to each other again. We have to keep R-talking how else will we ever work through this? I don't feel comfortable with it either but it has more to do with knowing it will cause a fight than not wanting to talk about us.""
This is correct - you need to keep up the conversations and interactions (they will keep her soft and more open) - but they need to change in pattern. You must be the fearless and humorous seducer - and she wants it underneath all her excuses. You may find this hard to believe - but start thinking in those terms. If the rest of your life is good - you will have the good feelings to put out there.
"In the end I did get to hold her and tell her that she is really important to me and that I do really love her. It didn't have the meaning I had first intended after our battle of words though."
So stop saying stuff you don't mean. Women know if there is nothing behind a compliment or sentiment.
Now I'm going to boil all my points right down:
Cinco, Do you really love and desire this woman - more than any other in the whole wide world?
The majority of men in SSMs have a problem with their desire - it is simply not strong enough to penetrate the obstacles their women put in their way (have you read Sleeping Beauty?) They get thrown off course by the testing their women put out. So they either dissipate their desire in alternatives, or they tolerate a stagnant marriage because their desire for something better is not strong enough to leave either.
Now, I'm not for a moment suggesting that your wife doesn't have issues. She quite clearly does. But all you can do Cinco, is put your desire into action - if you are otherwise "sorted out" and really desire your wife in a healthy way - then there is nothing to stop you really "going for her" on all levels, without the expectation that you will change her, and without being crushed or retreating wounded when rejected.
That is a very different exercise from you what you are currently doing. And read Superior Man and No More Mr Nice Guy - they really help with how to view and approach women as a man.
How's the rest of your life going?
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
