So...where am I now...I feel like I need to share a bit about where I've gotten in terms of my M. For starters, I don't think I want B back at all. This distance, this time apart, the kind of painful honesty I got to through a lot of grief - I find myself realizing things about myself that I hadn't ever noticed before.
I don't blame B for the problems we had - or the degree to which I was shut off from myself over the years that we were together, though I look back and see that our dynamic was not that of a healthy couple - nor was it very helpful for me. I put so much of my time into her and trying take care of her - and fix her - as well as fix things for her - that I don't think I left much time for myself.
She continues to be cold and distant. And we have not had a single conversation of substance since she moved out in November. I'm going to move into a smaller house next month - and when I think of the upheaval of my little family I realize that she's not done anything to slow the destruction of our family - nor has she said or done anything to indicate an interest in reconciliation. That's fine, I understand that - I respect that. I sometimes just wish we could have a conversation of closure - though even something like that would end in her anger...and that's just what I don't want any more of in my life at home - her anger.
I wouldn't say that I'm now a WAS. I had closed the door on our M a while ago, and I'm now finding that I just want to lock it and say we're done. That's where my thoughts are today...
