Fall 02, H travelled tons, I thought he should be home/with boys more--nagged/cold shoulder/angry with him--all backfired, 11/02, tells me he wants D.
Winter---see MC, she's not great, but gets us through worst part. I DB butt off. H tells me that I was so miserable last fall that drove him away, likes my disposition better now.
Spring--I get my first ILY. Still very infrequent. He rates our M as a 6 out of 10.
Summer--His company sends him to Switzerland and I have the opportunity to go with him. He is there for two weeks before I join him. As our conversations progressed he sounds more and more exhausted on the phone. When I finally get to see him, he looks worn and our greeting isn't as exciting as would have hoped, kind of awkward--do we do a big hug/kiss, etc? But as the day went on, he began to relax and we had a great evening.
H has some ideas about what he wanted to do, though I had an intinerary planned, but I good-naturedly abaondoned it and we went exploring. He wanted to do hiking, so we spent two days going up the mountains of Central Switzerland. We were both exhausted, but I think I did a pretty good job keeping up with him. Had a few skirmishes, but nothing much, considering not speaking the language and tyring to figure our way around. I also have the tendency to try and pack too much into one day and insisted we drive to a city one evening for dinner, of course there was lots of traffic, had a difficult time getting to the city center and had the worst dinner of the trip. So I attempted to learn my lesson and try to not do it all for the remainder of the trip.
Of course, this trip is all on the beginning of the European heat wave, so some crankiness did arise from being hot and sweaty all the time, but our last night in France the hotel had air conditioning! It was heaven. We'd explore the town a bit, come back and cool off, and then go out again.
As the week went on H relaxed more and became his old self. We had a bit of a scare that I lost the car keys for home (they were packed in a checked suitcase, but we didn't look until after we checked the bags) and he was really nice about it.
After a few days of being home and adjusting to the routine again, H had a really bad day at work, but refused to talk about it. I felt like work was sucking him back in again and the relaxed H was disappearing. H finally opened up a few days later (and I tried to not be Ms. fix-it and offer opinions, but only did so-so, much needed improvement here). Anyway, the conference opened his eyes to what he will need to do to move up in the new company (merger two years ago), 6 days 70 hours weeks are the norm and it is expected that you do time internationally. He got on an ex-pat website for the company and learned that the company even pays your divorce fees as the divorce rate is so high. He said--what will it do to us--we aren't out of the woods yet, and to then go through something so stressful. I told him I think we have learned a lot and can handle it--if that is what he wants. But he is beginning to worry about missing out on the boys growing up if he starts going up the ladder. Fairly ironic, that this is some of what I was saying last year, but he needed to come to his own conclusions about it. Nagging just doesn't seem to work.
I think he has been having some run-ins/or offereing dissenting views with his boss. He never wants to talk about it, but comes home tense. I ask him what is wrong, or how his day is and get a grunt and I don't want to talk about it. I have respected this and tell him I'm here to talk, but it gets hard when he is in such a down mood. This weekend, again as we got further from Friday, his mood improves. He will soon have to let the company know how he feels about promotions, so I imagine that is weighing on his mind, but I feel so left out and don't know what to do.
So, some great postivies over the trip, we got along great, but for a job he says he loves, it sure changes him into a different person.
I think you are right, his job situation is something he needs to decide for himself. And if he is a typical guy, his job defines (partly) who he is and this is a major deal for him. On the positive side for you, if he decided to pass on promotions, he'll know it was entirely his choice!
I like your H's comment about not being out of the woods yet. He said YET! Meaning that one day you will be, but not right now.
As far as his stressful days go. Remember that actions speak louder than words. I never wanted to talk about my bad days either, I think its a guy thing. What I did like was when my W would set on my lap in the recliner and watch tv with me, or cuddle up with me on the couch or in bed. After a long day of work, I just wanted to relax. Those are the things that did it for me. Those things are what made me feel loved and/or appreciated.
Of course that is my love language. Your H's might be different. Try to speak his language when he comes home and is stressed out.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
I like Floyd's suggestions. If he doesn't want to talk about work and work is stressing him out ... take his mind off of it and onto something else ... something better that involves you.
Also, I think your H also is beginning to realized how different he feels when spending more time with family than at work and that he feels better about the time he is with family vs the "satisfaction" derived from his job now, so family is becoming more important to him. Its someting that words from others just don't bear any weight ... its something that seems to have to be learned for oneself ... and most often its learned the hard way (speaking for myself anyway) .
Definitely don't get too offended if he's not opening up to you as much as you like about work. That's just a very common male thing. YOu know, the whole cave thing. Men just generally don't like to deal with things by talking about them..they need their own space and time to figure things out..then they open up a bit. You've already seen this happen with what he's told you about the promotion situation.
Just be positive when he's like that, be so happy that he can't help but join in.
Always remember to look at all the great things that are going on in your sitch...and there are tons of great things going on.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
Wow, Jackie!!!! This sounds so good. It is hard when they don't want to talk about things - especially if you're someone who deals with things by talking them out. You are doing a great job of noticing behaviors that need adjustment, and making changes when necessary. Remember - baby steps in all areas.
Climbing mountains in Switzerland!!!! That is something to be proud of!!!
Hang in there. I agree with rj - overall things sound good. Patience.
I didn't realize that you and I and our H's are the same ages! Funny!
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Ji, Jackie..glad to hear things are going at least in the right direction...as far as talking..I read somewhere that men only talk so many words a day..h used to joke about having said his limit! To try to rpy stuff out, I am sure you know won't do any good..keep doing all the good things you have been..
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