You took a fork in the road. The footsteps you see ahead of you are mine.
I disagree with 25 on this. I am happy to see you angry.
When we are hurt, physically we respond with pain. It is always the first response b/c it is instinctive. The pain tells us to do something. Take your hand off the hot stove or go see our doctor friend FIB.
When we are hurt, emotionally we respond with anger. That is always the first response b/c it too is instinctive. We learned it back in the cave man era when giant man-eating flyings squirrels decended upon us. To beat them off, we felt anger. The anger tells us to do something.
So anger is trying to point the way. We can listen or not.
At first, you and I ignored it. Pain is not anger turned inward; depression is anger turned inward. Depression fueled by drink. It not only supressed our anger, but it supressed our view of the reality about us. Like taking a pain pill rather than seeing the doctor. And when you are depressed, the blame is all internal.
That is where you have been, as I was (and am to a degree).
In my case, the next step was hate. I realize now it was not hate at all, just added anger. But the added anger allowed me to focus not only on me, but on her and the environment around me. That was a major step. I remember when folks here, including you told me to lose the anger. But I am glad I did not. The added anger was a signal to also look at her, look for the first time. My perfect, loving W was not the perfect person after all. And use that info to help me fix what I need to fix in me.
Like the horror story where Dorian Gray's portrait changes for the worst yet he appears the same, I was forced to look at my W's portrait and it was hard to look at. It still is; I still turn away. Of all the things left to do, the hardest for me is to accept, really accept, that my former soulmate did what she did and how a loving person and mother would break up a family. How her portrait showed me that if the clock were turned back that I should have not seeked her out, even as a friend.
But she too is human. This also told me that if we ever did get back together, what I would need to accept and forgive in her and myself to make a R work.
I still do not have my arms around this.
The anger helped me work through this to the point where the anger is almost gone and acceptance is within reach. If you are angry frank, it only means you have emotional work to do. Yes, you "get it" logically as I did, but the anger you feel tells you that you don't get it emotionally yet.
From your C's discussions, I believe that you will turn that corner. The anger is the signal to do something and to look at the whole picture objectively.
As men, we have work to do to work on us. But rather than react to our anger with depression or aggression (we have never spoken but from your words I doubt that is a problem for you), we take skillful charge of the situation.
After my "hate" period when my anger peaked, I finally began to see things in a different light. I learned to set and enforce boundaries. I cannot emphasize how important that is.
I am also now learning that her portrait on the wall is not the whole story either. The more I accept, the better I feel. Acceptance leads to compassion and compassion to forgivensss.
I still have work to do, as you can see.
I warn you, it takes time to process these emotions. To see the reality around you clearly. To see the real portrait behind the people. To see that you are not the total blame and that you can reject being a doormat for others or a co-dependent.
Expect the backslides, especially when W moves back in.
You took a new road frank. Anger is telling you that you have work to do.
told me to lose the anger. But I am glad I did not. The added anger was a signal to also look at her, look for the first time. My perfect, loving W was not the perfect person after all. And use that info to help me fix what I need to fix in me.