Good question, why bother. I mean, that's really it, isn't it? This, my friend, is what's known as baggage. This is the stuff we didn't have when we first met our spouses. It was all new then. Now we just ask, what's the point?
But you know what? This isn't about W anymore, it's about you. It's about you being jaded and disillusioned and being burdened down with all this baggage so much so that it colors your outlook.
I was watching a movie the other day and there was a scene where a young couple professed their undying love and readiness to marry. I blurted out, "Watch out, there's only pain and misery ahead!" That was me. My baggage. Stuff I'd be better off leaving behind.
We each are constantly changing and creating our own reality. You say you aren't content to be a martyr. Ok. What, then, are you willing to create? What are you willing to fight for and transform? What are you willing to do differently that pulls life out of its ruts and starts it skittering into new directions? Sure, it could be a colossal failure. That's the risk we take. Better to fail, though, than never try.
Ask for what you want, and don't be afraid to want it. I think you're thinking too much, trying to conform too much, second guessing too much. Maybe that's valid - only you know your sitch. But if I were you I'd think about this a little more clearly and stop coloring the present with the past. Close the door on that chapter. Start a new one with the existing circumstances. After all, you could D your W and then end up dating someone who is very much like her, in similar circumstances.
So what are you willing to do for the person you claim to love? And if you aren't, why not? Fear? Feelings of betrayal? Disinterest? Figuring that out is part of the journey and part of the process of shedding the baggage.
