My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

[25yearsmlc]

Jeff (and PT)

Great questions about turning things over to God. Do it. He'll lead you to the loving response He wants for you and your M.

PT, I said I haven't had an A but that's to point out that I don't have an agenda or a need to solve my own issues thru others. But that's not to say I don't feel for you or others who have been betrayed. Both my sisters were devastated by their h's A.s But the younger one who snooped and obsessed is the one who's h is still M to Ow and I think he's happy. Whereas my older sister always maintained her dignity and gave it up to God, She got the apology, the regrets, and a new M to a good guy. Neither got their M's back and that is sad as hell.

But the "snooping" sister about drove herself and the rest of our siblings insane with the obsessing. You talk of the meds, PT, and I totally get that. If this doesn't call for it, what does? With my sister, at one point I flew out to Florida and took her to a shrink for an INPATIENT admission b/c I was that worried that she'd kill herself, or someone, and her neighbor called me long distance with the same fear, and it was a nightmare. She lost 65 lbs in 2 months and her hair was falling out, and I cannot tell you what it's like to see someone you love, pretty much going crazy. SO, yeah, I 've seen the damage as close up without being in it myself. And I have also pondered having an A myself. I pointed that out to say that I would not have responded well to h mishandling that info.

And when I say I was vulnerable, I mean having a h who worked over 80 hours a week in his internship (after 4 years of med school which was not the plan when we married) who came home to fall asleep on the floor or at the table, or lose his temper first b/c of sleep deprivation, we had young children and we both were working full time in the Army during a War....and then a guy who looked like Kevin Costner worked with me (I swear he was that good looking...weirdly!!) and paid lots of attention to me at a time when I was very vulnerable. Is that an EA?

Anyhow, I got lucky. I went to see my priest and he really gave me some great advice. Got me back into theater to channel my "passions" safely, and something to occupy my time when I needed adult interaction but couldn't get it from H... H was in his residency (and we were in the Gulf War, oh and guess who got deployed? ME...) There were not many things h could change about his schedule at that time.
And I faced 4 more years of that, and wondered if I could make it that long without a real partner. And the children...h will never know what he missed...or what I missed.

So it's not as if it never crossed my mind. But If h had been a jerk about the kevin costner guy, I would have freaked out. Not in a good way. I needed loving attention and the m needed nourishing time, not spying and reproach.

But PT, I take your point. While I recoil at the idea of comparing a rape victim to coping with adultery, I am impressed that you are able to rebuild the M given the givens. It is always possible my h had an A, as it is with anyone I suppose, and I have to deal with that not "really knowing". But what I DO know, is that he wants the M to work, he loves me as best he can now, and we are M. And I love the guy. I've been good to him and for him, so I guess I figure if he wants to have an A and I KNOW I'm doing my job as a wife, then he's an idiot.

I think my younger sister did, at some point, choose to let it drive her crazy. The energy it took to worry like she did...OMG, and unlike you, she did NOT exercise. She checked his messages 14 times in 2 hours, in front of me, drove to the bank to check the account and see if anything had changed, drove to his work, his gym, their home, checked the cell phone records, ya da ya da.....God it was horrible. She hovered around her h non-stop while hoping he'd changed his mind. Although not controlling, she did hover around him all their M...so, from my pov, it did NOT help and it DID hurt her, and many people in her life started to avoid her like the swirling negative vortex she had become. Who knows? Maybe she caused the M to end with her hovering insecurities, though she was definitely not critical and never said "no" to anything her h wanted, including moves to Iceland, Korea, etc. Whatever helped his career, she'd do.

Well PT, good luck at Retrovaille (sp?) I've heard many many good things about
it.

Jeff, pray and listen and you'll find your way. But maybe you need to see that even if your w did have an A in the past, (as PT can tell you ) it doesn't always mean the end of the M.

((( j )))