Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[Trixi]

We went to MC this morning and he was hung over. He had stopped smoking on Sunday, but started up again. I guess he'll quit tomorrow. Whatever. So, since he was smoking anyway, he had the guys over to jam last night and had a bit too much to drink.

At MC, there was nothing "new" said except he talked more about that list and how it started out with desire, attraction, morphed into friendship, etc and then ended (news to me) with naive and needy. The other new thing I heard was that now that he has experienced younger girls, he is feeling like maybe he needs someone older. (Not older than him, just older than a 20-something.) He said the usual about how he loves me and thinks I'm great, but he just doesn't know if he can commit to forever with me. But then he also can't seem to stay away from me; that we're irresistible to each other.

The counselor seems pretty good. She suggested a Couples Weekend that is Feb 7&8th. Unfortunately it is expensive. ($800) H doesn't want to spend the money on it. And now I see there is a retro session that same weekend. I just sent H a text to see if he had any interest in going to that since it's cheaper. (He probably won't.)

For some reason, I feel particularly discouraged today. He was especially detached during the appointment. Tuesday night he was talking about what an awesome woman I am and that he "isn't worthy". 48 hours later, he acts like *I* am the one not worthy.
It keeps ringing in my ears that my H was talking about wanting to shop for someone else right in front of me. He talked about how he wants to get our situation resolved one way or the other because he knows I would hate him if one day he announced he was in love with someone else. Counselor gave him props for being honest and self-aware.

He said that he feels detached to a degree. I asked point blank if he had any interest in reattaching and he said "well, that's what we're going to counseling for. To see if it's possible."

You would think that I would be 'glad' that we're *finally* going to counseling; but after how today went, I'm not hopeful. I went to the doc today to get my hormone levels checked--I have gained 13 pounds in the past year--ALL of it since October! After I dropped H back at his house, I called the attorney I had been delaying calling. I have an appt scheduled for Tues. Our next counseling appt is on my birthday next Thursday the 5th.

I just feel so...confused. The guy that went to counseling is not the guy I have been with these last few weeks. I feel defeated.