Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

I don't know what to do. I'm really torn; act as if, or cut bait.

Those of you who followed my sitch know I set a boundary with H about his EA, LW. I said nothing but work contact. He agreed...and I trusted him.

I have since found out through my oh-so-trusty skills that he never stopped contact. Forty minute conversations are not no contact. Text messages (though not many) are not no contact. Her lending books to him? Yeah, not no contact.

Mostly there are short conversations. A few longer ones, like the aforementioned one after we had a blowup at Christmas.

On the one hand, I'm furious and feeling betrayed. On the other hand, *generally* things have been pretty positive between us and I sensed nothing untoward. I only started investigating after our issues at Christmas.

So, the only real difference is that I know. Should that change anything?

I cannot be her. I don't want to be her, because ultimately she is just a fantasy. Living with someone reveals the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'm not perfect, but I always work really hard on myself. I will never reach a final destination on my personal work...and I'm tired of trying to measure up to this whore.

I am currently faking it, keeping one eye open, but I don't feel at all safe. I keep wondering when he'll cheat or decide to leave. I don't trust him anymore...and I wonder if trust can be repaired once it's been broken like he did. He still doesn't ask for what he wants...he still doesn't communicate.

Part of me wants to leave and get it over with. The other part of me wants to believe it could all be okay.

I don't want to live in this space for the rest of my life. Don't I deserve more? I can't do it all by myself....

SD