Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Everyone and anyone who reads my thread, please, please remind me that I have to disengage and detach NOW. JUST DO IT! RIGHT NOW!

I must stop listening to the crazy-making that is my 'old' XW's life. I am working on emotionally divorcing the 'old' XW, and I'm finding it really difficult. I'm struggling to forgive myself for being so incredibly blind with 'love', and it's the residual feelings of that blindness that make my struggle so difficult for me still today. 'Old' XW isn't capable of being a partner now, and looking back, she really wasn't ever a partner at any point. She is so lost. Kidnapped by the aliens and it is clear that right now she is home; queen of the alien colony, Narcissistic-ville.

I am really saddened as I work through this emotional muck, coming to this realization of today. Wondering how I allowed myself to become a shell of my former self in her shadow. I know that I taught her how to treat me because I kept coming back for more, no matter how she behaved. I was negatively reinforcing her sh!tty treatment of me. It's her fault for being jerky. It's my fault for tolerating it and losing myself in the process of morphing into a useless wuss-boy. Ugh. I am so disgusted with myself, when I look back. F***, f***, f***...! Why was I such a wuss for her then and why is it so f****** difficult to change those horrible behavior patterns? Yes, I'm a little pissed right now, but at me, not 'Old' XW. I am working on figuring out exactly WHAT I was getting of our R as it was. I know what 'old' XW was getting. It's my own 'fog' around this that makes it very hazy and difficult to see in any real sense what I was getting. So sad. Lost time.

Well, that was a good vent session. I needed it after failing again in my efforts to disengage; my failure to walk away from her mid-alien story. I'll do better next time. I am tired of feeling sh!tty about myself after our interactions. "Just smile and wave," ay frank_D? Well, I've bound my Nerf bat wounds in Nerf bandages and I'll take my beatin' as my gentle reminder that these negative feelings are not what I want for myself going forward. Nope. I want to be happy. I am going to work more on achieving that. I will be happy, healthy, and whole. XW can watch my transformation and either get on board herself or just live with knowing that she pissed away her marriage and a good man. Regardless, I am moving forward.