It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sandycay]

Here is an email that I got today from H, any thoughts:

I'm sorry Honey....I'm sorry that I let our marraige get to a place where it was 18 months ago. I'm sorry that I made the decisions that I made. Mostly, I'm sorry that I let someone else into my heart. I know that's hard for you to read....but it's true....I did. We have both had pieces of us die and others grow over the past year or so. For me....some that should have died a long time ago.....are lingering. I'm not sure if it's because it ended the way it did...and I still feel SOOOO STUPID!!!!!!!......for letting myself become so emotionally involved with someone that was so......whatever...I don't even know the term. But I do hate myself for it sometimes...and that's it. When things get tough for us...my mind spins it like this......this is my fault, because of her, because of what I did. I think sometimes when you get a little crazy...it makes me think....Jesus...I'm right back in it again. That happened a lot in Guam. That trip was a big eye opener for me...for the life that sits ahead of me now. The life that I made ...caused....whatever....and it can be depressing...sometimes...you have to see that. You have to see that, not blame, but responsibility lies squarely on my shoulders for this whole mess. I'm very angry sometimes...for all of it. At myself, at you, and still sometimes at her...and that part is the trouble. Why am I still angry at her? Who the hell knows...the only thing I can wrap my mind around is that she hurt me and even worse....much worse....she made me hurt my family. I did it....but I feel...I dunno ...like she bears some of the fault. Maybe that's a cop out...it's not meant to be.

As for fighting for you....Sandycay...you know I would die for you. And...I'm not suicidal...but I have considered whether or not that would be the best thing for you. Again...I need for you to understand my point...just the point....that all I want is to make sure you and the kids are taken care of. That's it...of course I want you to be happy and the kids....but I want you to be taken care of. If that means that we have to separate...divorce....whatever...I won't stop taking care of you. Until you don't need me anymore.

Now that part was all very difficult to write. VERY!!

So.........I'll go to counseling. I'll take the drugs or what ever so you can keep the dog and he won't bite anymore. But, Sandycay, then you don't have ME anymore..... and neither do I. I just have this doped body and mind until it gives out. What ever....I don't like it...and you know it. But I'll do it if that's what it takes.

Now...go back and read the whole thing again and please try to be objective and please don't pick apart the words I used or anything, just try to understand the intent of the whole thing.

Love,
Your H




I just don't know what to think. Parts of the letter are lovely but it always brings it back to duty and taking care of me. Now I know that's not bad thing but does he mean love in the context. I am looking for the "love" is that what he means when he says that stuff?