Last night and this morning were two R-talks where we say so much I can't remember all of what we said but I will try. Sometimes I wish I could record those talks but I know that would be wrong, plus we'd probably say even less than we already do to each other.
Last night we sat together on the couch again watching TV. I put my arm around her on and off and we held hands too. On commercials I even stole a few kisses from her. One time though she seemed more interested in the TV than me. I said "quit paying attention to that and pay attention to me instead." It was all quite playful and really felt nice.
When we got into bed I wanted to look into her eyes and tell her how important she is and how much I do really love her. There is a TV in there too and of course as soon as she gets in there to go to bed it is turned 'on'. The way it is set up her back is to me in bed to face the TV. If I had it my way, there would be no TV in there at all. This is something that she thinks helps her to go to sleep. Anyway by the time I wanted to relate my feelings to her she was all glued in on the damn TV. "W, would you give a little of your undivided attention for a moment so I can tell you something?"
Her reaction was that I wanted to R-talk. She got all pissy and her defenses were immediately up. "Oh not this again, haven't we talked this to death enough lately?" Her reaction set me off, I hate it when I let even her tone determine how I will interact with and what I end up saying to her. She turned off the TV all pissed off and said "Ok what do you want to talk about you have my attention now." This put us in complete darkness (appropriate I guess, we're still in the dark about one another).
"Why am I the least important thing in your life? It seems like you'd rather watch that thing than to hear me tell you something intimate. How can we communicate and get close to each other if we don't set aside time for each other? I am the last thing you think of at the end of the day and then you are too tired for me." I said more things I can't remember it all. Things about how it hurts me to be so low on her list of priorities. Also about how I end up turning my back on her when I can't find a way to reach her and how much that hurts us both.
Finally we got to the heart of the matter I asked if there was something that was holding her back from really getting close to me. "Trust holds me back. H, I don't trust that you won't leave me again."
H - "Well, if we can keep the dialog going between us and learn how not to be so defensive about it maybe we can find a way to be close to each other again. We have to keep R-talking how else will we ever work through this? I don't feel comfortable with it either but it has more to do with knowing it will cause a fight than not wanting to talk about us."
In the end I did get to hold her and tell her that she is really important to me and that I do really love her. It didn't have the meaning I had first intended after our battle of words though.
Part 2 will be this morning's R-talk. (It may be tomorrow before I can post this as I have a rehearsal tonight.)
