The analytical person in me keeps thinking though that if I let her argue with me or be mean to me and not stand up for myself and just keep my mouth shut and not argue back with her, I'm telling her that it's ok to do those things and I'm definitely not ok with arguing, bad mouthing, bad attitudes, etc.
It's ok to stand up for yourself. This is called establishing boundaries. The strong wall part is all about how you go about it (not getting sucked into fighting, getting defensive etc). If she does stuff that anyone with self respect would not tolerate, I personally would tell her. Establish the boundary, but do it in a calm and respectful and honest manner, not out of anger and defensiveness. If she is just complaining, then listen and validate the complaint, that's valuable feedback for you about what she is really unhappy about. If she is being verbally abusive, establish your boundary.
I wouldn't tell her "I'm not going to argue, I don't want to argue" etc. That sounds like conflict avoidance (ie. you are too weak to deal). Choose not to argue by letting her vent and then validating the parts of her venting you think are legit, while letting slide the things that aren't, or setting boundaries if you absolutely must.
It takes a great deal of self control, but you sound like someone who can handle it.
Regarding knowing what you want, I can't help you there sorry. I'm all in for my W and D4 so it is not something I've had to consider.
Thanks Mike, my question was when you detach, act as if your life is fine even is she isn't there, you will continue to live your life, you won't be waiting or pursuing her, etc. After a while, doesn't that kind of detachment set in a different feeling like it's ok to let go, it's done, time to move on.
Honestly I do want a marriage, my marriage with my wife to work - I love her, I've always loved, heck I'm still in love with her if you can believe it - the feeling never left me, I've never been unfaithful, even during the separation but after a while and being separated for so long, isn't it just natural for you to get used to living apart and not want to be together because you get used to living separately and when new people come into your life randomly, it becomes easier to entertain the idea of starting with someone new. Plus after a while of pursuing a dream that doesn't seem to want to materialize, you start having ideas about giving up or letting go, letting her go with love because you didn't have what was required to make her happy and that is why she left.
