I am also a sucker with H when it comes to sex...partly because we too had a great sex life and partly to be close to him. I informed him the other day though that once the D is final there will be no more sex with me. I told him that D is closing a chapter in my life and at that time I will move on.
He basically told me that he could convince me otherwise when it comes to sex. Well I have news for him...NOT going to happen.
HE DOESN'T BELIEVE YOU. That statement right there should be all the "red flag" you need to tell you that you have some serious boundary-setting work to do!
I told him that if he does not give me a date by the end of the week (tomorrow) as to when he wants to file taxes that I am going to file by myself and get it done.
Our S papers state that I am the one to claim D7 therefore I do not have to wait for him. I can file without him. I told him to e-mail me the results of the insurance hunting and DO NOT CALL MY PHONE.
NOW you're onto something, Pooh! Do you see what you did here??
Do the same thing with the insurance. YOU take out the policy, and give HIM the bill. JUST DO IT.
What is it with you women and all the DRAMA????? My oh my, so many WORDS!!!
Actions. Your husband has learned to tune OUT your words. And the ones he hears, he doesn't believe. Do a "180" -- do these two things, and then TELL him they're done. As you said, you're on solid legal ground.
I was typing my long post and you posted at the same time:)
I do want my M. That is what I am trying to fight for and I know I am going about it all wrong. I feel like a cat chasing its tail right now.
I probably do say a lot of things to H to make him think I no longer want the M. Mainly I think I do that to see what his response will be.
It's just so hard to maintain when I feel like a ping pong ball. One day he wants me, the next...not so much.
But now I have set 2 boundaries....the first...no talk of OW and that will be easy right now since the 2nd is....N/C until the end of the weekend. That will be a big one for me. He can e-mail. If he calls....he can leave a message. I know I have the strength in me to do this.
Ok I can do that with the insurance. That is why I need you...lol:) Sorry about all those words...had to get it out. I agree with you though...he does tune out the words.
I will do this tomorrow and then e-mail him telling him it is done. I am not breaking the phone call boundary. N/C til the end of the weekend. Baby steps are better than nothing:)
Yep, our H's have tuned us out. Just today when I was talking to my H about work he made mention that I need to give my presentation like when I calm down after our fight-- that I argue and then come and talk to him calmly. Lightbulb for me was that all the argument he was just tuning out thinking that I will calm down. God I hope I remember this the next time I blow up to him. And yes, I think I have SAID too much and done too little. So this week I did make some moves for myself. I separated our car insurance and turned off 2 credit cards that we share jointly. I was tired of having to run after H for payments and since he has been gone, he has been so irresponsible with his credit cards. Buying all kinds of [censored] for him, OW, and her kids. So I made the move and it felt GOOD. Funny thing is that I didn't tell H at first and then he called wanting to use one of the cc and then I dropped the bomb. He was actually pissed off saying that I'm doing all these things and he's gonna start to do things back. I asked him if there's more he has in store.
Puppy, good question. I do want my M back and no I don't want to be in limbo or to even be DB. Your question though made me wonder what else I should be doing other than DB. Do you think I have been giving H the impression that I'm ok with the S. I'm really not. And sometimes yes I don't know if I want the M b/c I sometimes feel hopeless like H is never going to give up OW and I DON'T want the M with her in it. Yes, I'm a total mess.
By the way, one other question for you Puppy or anyone else. So I gave my H the impression that I'm talking to another guy. I told him though that no sex is involved but he is a nice guy and we're just getting to know each other. I even bought myself roses when I knew H was going to stop by and he saw them and was really jealous. He told his cousin that he is hurt. Yes, can you believe that. My reason for making this up is that I think my H thinks that I'm old faithful. We've been together since high school and as you can tell he has totally taken me for granted. Now I sometimes second guess myself if the "OM" was a mistake. But I just can't stand H thinking that I am waiting around for him. What do you think? I have made sure that I don't throw "OM" in his face so that its seems fault and like revenge. Although, I've been enjoying H bring up OM with jealousy. Bad idea? What do you think. Thx.
Yes, I know we women with all our words and no action. But I learning hopefully.
Tomorrow is a new day. Try NC for a while. Do it for you. It's hard at first but it does feel good. Try really hard to not contact until he pursues you. HE WILL!!! Do it for you, do it for your daughter. She's observing and taking all this in.
NC went ok for a bit. I did what Puppy said and got the insurance going on my own. I e-mailed H and told him and said that we have to wait to be approved and I will let him know when that happens and how much it will cost him.
He called. I did not answer. He called again. I did not answer. He left a message saying that I must be out having a good time with OM. I left it alone and did not call back.
He e-mailed me wanting to know why I did the insurance when HE was going to get it handled. I did e-mail back and tell him that I got it handled and I will let him know the specifics when I know them.
Saturday he called a couple times and again left a message saying I MUST be having a great time cause I won't even answer his calls or call him back. (remember I told him NOT to call my phone).
Then this morning he calls again. I almost answered the phone but I didn't do it. That is the hardest thing to do.
Have to add real quick that my mom is going to paint her house and a few months back she asked my H if he would let her know how much paint she would need. He still does things for my mom whenever she needs him to. But he wanted to wait on the weather to warm up a bit since she can't paint yet anyway......SO
Since I did not answer his call he shows up at my moms today. (I live with my mom until taxes are done and I can get me and D7 into a place of our own).
He comes up and says he is going to measure the house to see how much paint my mom needs. I told him to do whatever he felt he needed to do and he asked me to come and help him.
D7 ran out and was all excited that he was here. We didn't talk much at first. After a bit he asked me what I did this weekend. I told him a couple things that me and D7 had done and he asked if I had hung out with "OM". I said "no I don't take D7 around anyone that I might decide to go out with." That was the end of that.
Then he starts telling me about things he had done around the house this weekend and just idle chit chat.
Then he tries to jump back to talking about "OM" and brings up that I will probably get flowers and all this other stuff from OM at Valentines Day. I just said "who knows".
He makes the comment that I kicked him to the curb (I am tired of hearing this now) and I said "no YOU kicked ME to the curb when you started with OW". He said "we are just phone friends"....I could have slapped him at that moment. WTH?????
Then he again says that I kicked him to the curb cause I am the one that took the money and went and filed for D.
At that point my mom walked out to see what he had figured out and we stood there all talking for a few and then H had to go so he could do a job for a buddy of his.
So the NC worked on my end....but H couldn't handle it I guess.
See, NC really does work and they can't take their own medicine. My H does the same thing. I do NC and he goes on the pursuit. Try to do it more often, especially with the phone calls. I try not to call H too often, although there are some days like today that I think I contact a little more than I would like. Gosh, isn't this whole thing so maddening having to second guess everything that you do? It drives me insane at times. My H is inquiring a lot about "OM" as well. I do try not to give him details. I told him that we are friends getting to know each other. But still unsure if its the right thing to do. I guess like DR says, fixing one's marriage is a trial and error process. And if it doesn't work try something else. We'll see. Keep me posted and I will keep you posted.
