The analytical person in me keeps thinking though that if I let her argue with me or be mean to me and not stand up for myself and just keep my mouth shut and not argue back with her, I'm telling her that it's ok to do those things and I'm definitely not ok with arguing, bad mouthing, bad attitudes, etc.
It's ok to stand up for yourself. This is called establishing boundaries. The strong wall part is all about how you go about it (not getting sucked into fighting, getting defensive etc). If she does stuff that anyone with self respect would not tolerate, I personally would tell her. Establish the boundary, but do it in a calm and respectful and honest manner, not out of anger and defensiveness. If she is just complaining, then listen and validate the complaint, that's valuable feedback for you about what she is really unhappy about. If she is being verbally abusive, establish your boundary.
I wouldn't tell her "I'm not going to argue, I don't want to argue" etc. That sounds like conflict avoidance (ie. you are too weak to deal). Choose not to argue by letting her vent and then validating the parts of her venting you think are legit, while letting slide the things that aren't, or setting boundaries if you absolutely must.
It takes a great deal of self control, but you sound like someone who can handle it.
Regarding knowing what you want, I can't help you there sorry. I'm all in for my W and D4 so it is not something I've had to consider.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
