My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

[Vdad]

Jeff, (and PT)


Jeff, All I'm trying to say is that I think you're using the remote to snoop, I guess. Here's my "female" reaction to that: revulsion. Sorry if that offends. Even if you find an A, maybe one that she's still struggling with, how does that make you "right"? Or, "righter"?

If you KNOW any continued contact with OM, will force you to file for a divorce without question, I can see that such a discovery will speed that up. That's the only "value" I can find in this conduct.

For the life of me, I don't understand spending the enormous & painful energy on that, instead of examining your heart and soul for things you can do something about. If she said you are the jealous obsessive type, or controlling, then you are proving she is right. Are you validating her comments. Giving her ammo? God I hope not. Well, enough said. Good luck,
j-

25,

All fair observations.. So I have some questions for you, but before that let me clarify.

First of all I have never been controlling of her in any way in our 14 years. She went out without me with friends from time to time to dance clubs (for special occasions, ect, ect) and never worried about it. Because I had no reason to distrust her so I didn't. We always operated on trust...

I will say that it was my EA and subsequent inability to reconnect with her and her lack of tools to deal with the sitch that finally shut her down. After she agreed to stay, I did everything wrong. Begged, pleaded, talked the R to death when she needed space. Would have made a huge diff if I was here when that stage was going on.

As far as the snooping. I struggle with this a lot. I have this obessive need to know if it's shut down. Which I believe it is. Oddly enough the OM is an advocate of us piecing it back together. Even txtd me today to get the movie "Fireproof" and watch it. Strange I know. Pup would say he doesn't trust the OM. Not saying I do but it is different than the usual around here.

I guess I am using the snooping as a way to be able to return trust to her words and help me in my DBing.

I must be clear that I love her with everything that I am. I WANT to restore the marriage. I WANT to trust her and want her to trust me. I WANT to make this the relationship we dreamed of.

I have a lot of change to make in myself. I have been judgemental of myself and others, my walk with the Lord has been at my convienence not according to his will or purpose, I have listened to her but never really heard her, connected with her, I never appreciated her for who she was/is. It was generally always about me.

That marriage is dead. I know if she can get to the place of being able to think about it we can have a wonderful new marriage and go forward with the tools to manage change and the ups and downs.

Joann did feel that making MC a condition of the separation wasn't great as it wasn't her choice and she might just go through the motions. I can see the logic in that.

Last question to you all.. Is snooping/surviellence a lack of trust in God? Should I just lay it at his feet and get out of his way?

As always your thoughts and taking the time to post means the world.

Jeff