You have to be very careful with the compromising though. Like K said, it's a very fine line. You start out compromising and eventually end up settling in some cases (I know I certainly did).
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
naej I thought you'd given up on me, disappointed by my choices...
No never disappointed in you. I am proud of you-whatever choice you make. I know that the kids come first. Mine still do and they are all grown up. I wouldn't have it any other way. A fine line indeed. Settle or compromise, I prefer compromise because thats a two way street. Settling is more imotive. A hungry poor man would settle for a meal aday if all he has known is hunger. A rich man would want far more when he has wined and dined on the good life. I guess you can do as you please up to a point in as much as it only involves you and your children,I guess thats what was meant, in that you haven't to consider H in the equation at present. You will come through this and be happy again, try not to overthink and maybe just go with the flow for awhile. I have a few walls need painting but I guess you meant landscapes or something. Go on get out that brush.
Hey M... I wondered if you need more fun, or lightness, with H.. its like theres this weight of responsibility, or weighing it all up, but doesnt it say in DB/DR something about, after an S, just make sure you have nice times and fun together and NOT talk about the S? That you can set aside a time to talk, but make room for positive new experiences together? But then, you dont get to see your H much anyway!
Is it harder to even make a decision about rebuilding the R, if you dont DO stuff with him to see how you feel around him? Like hang out, chat, go for a walk, a meal, or a coffee...?
Of course, that doesnt fit with the MC advice anyway, who said, dont do anything on the R, or that you dont want to do!! And he is too busy besides. Sounds like your H is fading from your future 'vision' though.. Big Al xxxx
Maybe the counselors are trying to make a point with this "be selfish" idea. Being selfish is not a good way to be in a marriage. Maybe they do "be selfish" first to show how angry it makes both people feel, and then "be thoughtful" next to demonstrate the difference. In the long run, "be selfish" is the road to divorce.
The donkey story: I feel like my marriage suffered like the donkey of a Greek story whose greedy master kept making the animal work and work and work, started forgetting to feed him or give him water and at the end the animal just died and left the man sad, helpless and in remorse... We say it "we f@75cked it hard and it died". Excuse my language. H thought that my love and our M could take anything and he took his time and waited and waited and when he thought he was done I think the "animal" surprised him and died. I am doing CPR but isnt working...
I felt rich naej and you know it/felt it. I 've been honest, I felt like I had won the lottery after a million jackpots. My heart was full. But I am no kid. Some fairy tales do NOT have happy endings. As much as I wish things were different my fairy tale was one of the those. But I was lucky. Some people, most, dont have that, never live that. It was the most wonderful thing I could have hoped for. And I say that fully aware of how people's judgment can be affected by the new and different. This was NOT the case. And consciously at least I am trying to stay away from comparisons. In any case, H has the opportunity, being here, being my kids father, with our past, our love of the past, to save the donkey...
Al, Sara, I am planning to ask the Cs about the selfish and about the time. I dont know of anybody reconciling with NO time together. I am still separated and still detached.
H has no clue what has happened in my heart. He thought the donkey would survive and took his time. Right now when he hears me saying I dont love him I believe he thinks I am saying it to hurt him, to pay him back. I would never do that after what I have been through. This changed me, the pain scarred me badly and I appreciate how it feels to be rejected and hurt. He thinks that if he finds 2 extra hours a week that will do.
Sometimes I am thinking that if we end up Divorcing, I will feel sorry and sad about him. I cant imagine how he will go on knowing he destroyed our family and lost the woman he says he loves because he waited till everything was good, the Euro to finish, the vacation, my trip to NY even... He took time he didnt have. And time costs... Nobody can escape the price. Nobody.
He thought the donkey would survive and took his time.
I think that is why it wasn't until you detached and started really moving on that he woke up a little, and panicked about the possibility of really losing you.
It does surprise me that he thinks that things will just go back to how they were.
I guess he believes that since he was the one who left, if he comes back that makes everything better?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Dear Maria, Please don't think that I am urging you to choose the fairy tale ending. I am not, I am wanting you to choose a ending that you can live with and be happy with. An ending that you can be comfortable in and grow,one that will fulfill your needs and desires and that will make you feel loved and secure in. One that gives you the depth and strength you will need to weather the storms that will surely occur(hopefully not to often) as you journey on. You have had the magic and cup full to overflowing briefly(lock it away in your heart) like me you are both a romantic but also a realist(or so I feel) and know that it is either rare or impossible to sustain in the long term especially when real life intrudes. Still there is a world of difference between settling and compromise even for the father of your children. You still need some depth, some passion and especially some desire,how else will you have the strength and depth of love to endure lifes trials and tribulations that effect all of us at some point in life. I liked the point about the selfish v the thougtful that maybe your C is getting around to. It would be an unusual tactic but one that might work. I am thinking of you.
