I get it. Seriously, and sadly, I do get it. Damn... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, I did it. Ughh....... Not sure it was fair, but I sent an e-mail today asking that he let me know his intentions. I think after 6 years and a lot of patience it's time. I realize he may have needed to process what I sent him, but unfortunately his time is up. That may seem cold, but I am officially done. I have done everything I can to the point of really treating him like a child. This in my opinion is ridiculous. He is NOT a child and he DID talk to me, and he was NOT like this years ago when I married him. I have decided he can either man up and say something, ANYTHING, or I'm out. It is a tad unfair as he doesn't remember the past 6 yrs of me trying. ( don't get that to this day ) But those 6 yrs did happen, and its to bad he didn't recognize it then.
SO, we'll see what happens. Its the end of the road for him unless he starts something!
Your getting to this point of pushing the issue is completely fair. To be left for years waiting for an answer that never comes, how else can you respond to that?
Maybe... just maybe he will finally start something. If not you will have done all that you could.
Well, to make a long story short......... CRASH AND BURN!
I did receive an e-mail back and well, although it did bring communication which was great, it failed on the re-reply. I sent an email back of course responding. At one point I mentioned how happy I was that he was responding and that I appreciated it, and that I also knew how hard it was for him. I then answered some questions and clarified a few things he had misunderstood. At one point in the letter I told him I was upset by ( something or other ) for whatever reason and explained myself.
Well........... the reply came and he basically got angry with me! Said that he talked, and he doesn't want it to be hard. lol OH my. Basically when it gets hard, he's out. I am suppose to bear with him, let him get angry I guess, but the same doesn't go for me. I told him this would be hard, and at times we'd both get angry over things so we needed to bear with each other. Apparently that bodes well for him , but not me. He is of course the one against any and all conflict. He says he fought his whole life, and he wont fight with his life partner. If it gets tough, bury your head in the sand. UGHH!
So, at this point I just returned an email saying that YES< it might get hard at times, but he has to expect that, and to let me know if he's in or not.
Yah, I'm done. Feel no guilt anymore whatsoever. He can start trying, I'm going to sit back and wait now. IF an email comes, great. Otherwise I wont be sending more. There's no point, and I'm not fighting for someone who does not want to be fought for!
btw Spouses fight, its normal. Anyone want to send him a post it note on that. I don't know how to get him to understand that having arguments at times is a normal thing, and not bad. Unfortunately his childhood was full of beating so I get why he thinks that way, but I'm not about to start beating him, and I also can't talk with a man who when it gets emotional he shuts down because it is what he did as a 10yr old. He's NOT 10 anymore. That worked back then, NOT now.
The one thing the priest who married us said, that was actually useful for us, was that the number of conflicts isn't important. Life throws more at some people. But how you resolve the conflicts IS the thing that matters. If you can resolve conflicts well, it means that life can throw you things AND you'll be equipped to handle them. You and your h don't seem to have conflict resolution, to say the least. And D, is an email really all you'll need and wait for? I mean this ain't a small matter...
I fear that he'll do the absolute minimum til something breaks...like you, or what? Oh yeah, you.
Be careful. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I emailed my H, told him a few things. Then he sends me an e-mail stating he's tired and depressed and that he does want to work on things, but what is to happen when he shuts up again. I felt as if he was hedging his bets so to speak. But, I answered diplomatically and told him that ALL our e-mails do not have to be ALL about this. It's not something I expect to be talking about all the time. ( As he hasn't called since this started ) We can talk, and live life like normal. E-mail was just a safe zone kinda to start. However I did tell him that I would NOT be trying again. That after 6 years, I can not go back to silence for a year or 2 until I crack and throw a fit. I told him that wasn't acceptable this time around.
So last night, I sent a " normal " e-mail just giving new news happening here. Hopefully it made him feel less pressured and a bit better about things. I fear he now thinks his life is only going to be about sex talk... etc.........
My honest opinion......
It's done. He'll try for a bit more, and then stop altogether, because I have decided I will not carry him thru any longer. I do believe it's not that he doesn't want too, he actually doesn't know how to and this is scaring the hell out of him. He would be so helped if he saw a C, but won't, which is too bad on so many levels. I feel bad for him in a sense. He is missing out.
God forgive me for saying this cuz I'm not sure how DB it is...but who the hell cares if maybe he wants to work on a it a bit but can't or doesn't know how or whatever...HE WON'T...and that's all that matters isn't it?
He is def hedging bets. He wants to know what is the minimum he can do to stay m, and then stop. That's what his question means- about what happens if I shut up again, IOW, what happens when I stop trying again? I want a guarantee that I keep getting "2nd" chances, and 3rd, and 45678th chances, and you promise you won't leave me every time I throw in a dime or two, to "prove" I care...a little...or a lot but not quite enough to get help b/c I'm.....me....and...I...don't...feel...like...working .....on....me....
His choice is 1) stay pretty much the same and most likely lose you; or 2) change and maybe still lose you, or 3) change and probably keep you. His choice thus far, for six years anyhow, is number 1. His fear is #2, but I say to that--
"So what if you lose her after you change? The change is mandatory for keeping her, and for a real life anyhow..."
He IS missing so much and he is forcing you to miss it all too. So really the choice is yours now, not his. He's told you his answer. He wants to do as little as possible but wants to know exactly how little he can do to keep you married in case someday he feels like changing. Losing you makes him uncomfortable, but not nearly as uncomfortable as getting help to work on his issues. Sorry, but that's how I see it. Really I am sorry, (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Diane - I am sad and sorry for you, very much, because, I'm afraid for your marriage. I wish I could say "oh hey, at least he's willing to try" but it actually doesn't sound like he is willing. He doesn't want to lose you, but isn't willing to make the changes or do the hard work necessary to not lose you. This was exactly how my marriage ended, so I'm really sad for you....but at the same time, I hope I am wrong and that your husband has an epiphany and somehow things can change!!!
Keep us updated...we are all hoping and praying for you.
Well, I would say it is over. I have not received any other e-mails and I do think everyone was right in saying he will do the least possible to keep me. He doesn't realize is that if nothing comes, he's already lost me...... Do I feel sorry for him. NOPE! Not any more, the only other way I could have gotten his attention was standing on my head naked.. OH WAIT... Think I did that! lol
He has been calling and talking, and even calls back to say he loves me. I know it's his way of trying, but it's just NOT enough.
I have decided that I will give it until March. IF there is no real clear signs of him trying to move forward. Trying the uncomfortable things, then I will be thru and start preparing to leave.
